Spring Cleaning and All that Jazz

Our licensing worker called me Thursday afternoon about placing 2 more kids with us. I thought about it, but knew in my heart that it was too much for us to take on right now. The placement consisted of a 6 year old little girl and her 18 month old little brother. The little girl is in a school on the other side of town from us so that would mean that I would have to figure out how to get her to and from school everyday. Getting her to school wasn't the problem, but picking her up each day 2 hours before I get off work would be a problem. I could have enrolled her in an after school program that would pick her up for me, but getting her in a good one would be very difficult this late in the school year. Another problem is the fact that we don't have a 2nd bedroom set up yet. We have a 3 bedroom house, and the 3rd bedroom is currently my office and a make shift storage for large baby gear. We've been planning on converting this room into another bedroom for that we would be ready for more placements, but we just haven't gotten around to it. So after that call Thursday I decided that it was time to really get down to business so that we are ready when the right placement comes along.

Saturday we didn't get going until about 3 that afternoon. We were both exhausted after being up until almost 4 AM hanging out with friends. So we did some shopping for supplies so I can pack up that room and move it to our computer room. Sunday was Children's Sunday at church so I had extra work I had to do to get my computer presentation ready so that took longer than usual so I didn't get to do any work with the room.

After church today we met some friends for lunch and then it was off for more shopping. Then it was home to start on our project. While Rob put together a new cabinet I bought, I started clearing out the closet and shelves. Also I convinced Rob that we need to rent a storage unit to take a lot of this stuff. It's all things like random stuff I've collected over the years, mememtoes, clothes, and baby gear that Fuzzy has outgrown that we don't want to get rid of but that we need to get out of the way for the time being. So tomorrow I'll call around and find somewhere near-by that's climate controlled and a good price. Because we'll be able to get a lot more done with the room once we can move some stuff out of here. So that's about the extent of my last few days. Fun, fun, fun! My feet hurt and my back aches, as soon as Rob gets back with our fabulous dinner from Taco Bell I'm eating and crashing for the night because it will be time to go back to work in a matter of hours.

Mama Loves You

It's been 2 years since we lost Baby D. Time passes by so quickly, but I still remember running to the store at 3 in the morning to get another pregnancy test just to confirm it. We were so happy. This was our 2nd chance. But before we knew it, you were gone. Our baby went to join her big sister. Mama and Daddy will always love you and will never forget you as long as we live.

Lord, today I sent my baby to you
Please give her wings and let her fly
She's new at this so take it slow
Teach her how they flutter by
I'll miss her so though we'd never met
And I'll never know her smile
But you need her and now she's yours
She was only mine a while
She'll never know pain
And she'll never know fear
For I know that you will keep her near
And now . . .
I close my eyes to say good bye
And watch her fly away to you
Please keep her Lord, and love her 'till
I get my wings and join you too.

Kymberli Brady
copywrite 1999, all rights reserved

I got an email today with pictures of a co-worker's newborn son. I look at the images on my screen, and I'm happy for her for a moment. And then my heartbreak returns like always. In the time I've spent trying for a baby, she's had 2. So many others I know have had baby after baby in that time. I feel defeated. Almost 3 years later I'm still as hurt as I was the first few days after Madison died. For some reason people tell me to enjoy my time without a baby. Being a foster parent isn't the same because with our own baby we have to be completely responsible for all of their expenses, and you can't give them back. Don't rush to have a baby. Would people tell me the same thing if Madison had lived for a few months or a few years before she died? Would people tell the mother of a child that died in a car accident to enjoy their life without that child? Look on the bright side, you can travel, eat out, not have to worry about day care or babysitters. Like it's a good thing that their child died. People think that just because she didn't live to make it home with us that we could possibly be that attached to her. Other mothers forget how quickly that bond formed with their child when they felt that first kick or saw their baby on an ultrasound. If they had to walk in my shoes would they still want people to tell them to be happy that they don't have a baby. Or would their faces hurt from all the fake smiles they had to display day after day to stop the tears from breaking free. I used to say I've been tried by fire, but that's not exactly true. I'm not done being tried by fire, and I'm not sure when I will be.

Doctor Visits

All is not well in the D household. Fuzzy is sick as usual. His cough sounds like he's got a 3 pack a day smoking habit. He has these horrible coughing fits that usually cause him to throw up if he's eaten anything within the last 20 minutes. He's got so much mucus coming up and then going right back down to his stomach. He threw up all over my mom Sunday. He's been running a fever on and off for the past couple of days. But generally he remains in a decent mood. Sunday I spent most of the day holding him and letting him sleep. My poor little man. He's got a doctor's appointment on Thursday afternoon which will not come soon enough for me.

I had an appointment with my gyno yesterday to see what our next step would be the trying to conceive battle royal. He wants me to quadruple my Metformin dosage to see if that helps with my irregular periods because we know that I am ovulating just not consistently or predictably. So I increased my night time dose from 500 mg to 1000 last night and my stomach is not enjoying it at all. I have to take another 1000 mg when I eat breakfast. God, I wish I sat closer to the bathroom. So I will continue the meds and monitoring my cycle and ovulation for 3 months, and then go back to see him.

One thing that pissed me off was when I went to checkout, I found out that our insurance has changed the gyno to a specialist as far as my co-pay is concerned. So now my co-pay has almost doubled. WTF? I'm sorry but the gyno is a normal part of a woman's health care and shouldn't cost her more to see. Ughhhh!

Mama Mama Mama!

Fuzzy made my day yesterday by saying Mama several times at me with a big smile. This was the first time he's said it while I was close enough to hear him. It just melted my heart. We took him to the park the other day after work because we've been having some beautiful weather the past few days. It was nice to just stroll around in nature watching other families enjoying the park too. I can't wait until he's walking so we let him run around in the grass.

While Rob was rocking Fuzzy to sleep last night he said something that brought tears to my eyes. He told Fuzzy that we will be his mama and daddy until they won't let us anymore. Fuzzy just looked at us and smiled. I love his smile.

I decided that I can't put things off anymore. I have to get back in the TTC circus. So Monday I've got an appointment with Dr. L to discuss moving on to IUI since the clomid therapy alone hasn't worked. I'm praying that the IUI will not be too expensive since our health insurance coverage for infertility is not that hot. It only covers a small amount and the lifetime maximum won't even pay for a quarter of a typical IVF round. It just infuriates me that infertility treatments are treated like something trivial. I'm trying to get pregnant not get a boob job! Well, I'll update on how things go after my appointment.

I'm glad that it's almost the weekend because I'm so tired. I just need to get more sleep, and Saturday is my one day to do that. I don't have anything planned for this weekend other than a little light housework and some sleep. I hope everyone has a nice weekend.

.....

We had our monthly home visit today. It lasted longer than usual which sucked because I ended up being late getting back to work since these visits are during my lunch hour. We found out that the BM moved into her own place last week, and that they will start in home visits soon. The thought of that just makes my stomach upset. I know he's not ours, but my heart doesn't treat him like he's not ours. I really don't know if foster parenting is for me. I've lost so much over the past few years. I wonder how much more loss can I take.

Steakums

I've been reading so many spreadsheets and emails at work that my eyes are crossing. Way too much going on at work right now. My butt actually hurts because I sit down too much. WTF? It's one of those rainy days that make you want to be at home in bed or at least on the couch watching TV under a blanket. But since vacation time is like gold to me I'm here instead of at home. I know that Fuzzy is coming down with something, I'm just not sure what yet. He's been fussy and not himself the past 2 days. Also today he's been throwing up a lot of his baby food which he never does. He's still at daycare since he's not running a fever. And he's still smiley and happy which is a good thing. But I made an appointment with his doctor for Monday anyway because I don't want him to get worse. His congestion had gotten a lot better, but we recently ran out of one of his congestion meds and it's coming back with vengeance. I honestly thought that with the breathing treatments, 2 congestion meds, and antibiotics he would finally get over all this. But not so much. He's coughing a lot more again. My poor little guy and his endless illnesses.

He had a visit with BM yesterday, and was supposed to have another one today but at lunch they still hadn't shown up. They aren't making any friends by saying they will be there and then not showing and not calling. We've got our monthly visit from Fuzzy's social worker on Monday. I look forward to these like I look forward to a stomach virus. His CW drives me nuts. I can only think of 1 thing that she did without me having to call her several times and hound her to do it. We still don't have Fuzzy's social security number so we still can't file our taxes. I don't want to file and then have to turn around a amend them to include him as our dependent. Uncle Sam has held onto my money long enough...I want it back!

Tonight the guys are coming over to kill monsters, and I'm ready. I need to release some anger. I'll be making philly cheesesteaks and steak fries for everyone. I hope they turn out good. I've never used Steakums before, but they were on sale so I figured it was worth a shot. I think Steakums is just a funny word....Steakums...LOL!

A lot happened to me today. I hadn't blogged about the fact that we got called last week about possibly adopting a baby that is due this week. We were in the running with another couple. This would be the 4th baby that the 27 year old BM was putting up for adoption. It would be handled by a agency down south which contacted our agency to see if they had any families that would take a full African American baby. We were very hopeful that this one would work out for us.

Our adoption worker from BCH called me this morning to say that the birth mother was being presented with our profiles and letters today to make her final decision. She wanted to know more about us. So I hurriedly wrote another letter to tell her more about our likes, hobbies, faith, church involvement, and what type of adoption we would prefer. I had less than an hour to write this letter.

Our adoption worker from BCH called to tell me that the birth mother really liked us, but chose the other couple because she was more familiar with where they live. She doesn't know the area where we are. The BM had a hard time choosing between us. I guess that's a way to make the decision on who should raise your child, but it's not one I would choose if I were in that situation. When our worker called I could tell she was on the verge of tears. She felt so bad because she feels like she's always getting our hopes up only to give us bad news. I told her that we were fine. We know that when we're called for the child that's meant to be with us, it will all work out. I know that everything will be decided in God's time, not our time.

Today, we had our annual performance reviews out of no where. We usually get a couple of days notice, but this time I got my meeting notice 10 minutes before the meeting. But I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I'm being promoted to Analyst II. I was shocked actually. I'm glad that all my hard work is being noticed. I got a great raise too. I was smiling from ear to ear all day. Rob and I are going out Saturday to celebrate.

Today was a good day.

Can't hold my tongue any longer

I said that I wouldn't talk about the octobitch on my blog, but I'm sick and tired of seeing stories about her. Will someone please explain to me why the hell anyone is giving her anything? This was not some accident or "miracle". This loony toon had IVF and had 8 babies at 1 time. This was done deliberately, and she should have to deal with the consequences of CHOOSING to be single and have 14 kids! I still want to know how someone with no job and on assistance can get IVF when there are actual hardworking women that are not a drain on society that can't afford it? I thought it was bad when I had to start going to get WIC for my foster son, and I had to be around all these lazy ass women milking the government for everything they can get. But oh no....this crazy bitch has taken the cake and expects everyone to give her more because she "deserves it".

I love that I keep running into other bloggers that say it's wrong not to help her with the kids because if we don't then we're punishing the kids. The best help for those kids would be getting away from her! There are lots of wonderful, loving couples that can't afford IVF or that fertility treatments won't work for that would love to adopt those kids. Just because she had them doesn't make her the best choice to raise them. That woman needs a lot of shock therapy and a padded room.

Now Rob tells me about an article he found that talks about her new house that was purchased with donations. A $535,000 house purchased with effing donations?! Hello people we have people that have always been hard working, but just had some bad luck and lost their jobs and their homes that no one is reaching out to help. But yet people want to give money to Nadya Suleman so she can live in luxury while she sucks on the government teet just because she happens to be a human version of a cat! This makes no sense at all! Everyday there's a new story of her stupidity and everyday someone steps up to give her something. What the hell is wrong with people?

If you want to help kids then donate to a children's cancer or diabetes research fund, volunteer as a Big Brother Big Sister, become a foster parent, become a CASA Advocate...DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN GIVE THIS WOMAN $$$$$!

Stupid Requests

It's amazing how much the foster parent classes and the situations differ than the real world. I know that I haven't experienced anything that can compare to the trials and tribulations of other foster parents. And I tip my hat to them for being able to endure the psychotic birth parents, lazy workers, blind judges to reach out and care for these children. I've learned a lot over the past 5 months we've had Fuzzy (the name that won the poll). And this week I learned that I'm supposed to serve as his mother, but still be an outsider that doesn't need to be told anything by his CW. Monday, the daycare told Rob that the CW had told them to hold off feeding Fuzzy in the mornings that they visit so his BM could feed him. WTF? You want his caregivers to deprive him of food when he's hungry so she can "practice"? It would be different if you all every showed up on a consistent day and time. Then plans could be made to accommodate you. But since you may show up at 9:30 on Thursdays for a couple of weeks and then all of a sudden you show up at 2 PM on Tuesday or Friday without a call to anyone. NO ONE is going to not feed the child because you might bring his BM by to visit. Screw you and your stupid demands hidden behind the veil of a request. Hey CW did you ever think to call me and tell me your plans so that maybe we could adjust Fuzzy's feeding schedule so that it would be ok for him to wait until 9-10 in the morning to eat? The problem is that you don't think!

Today, I found out that the CW also told the daycare to not change his diapers so that his BM could do it when she gets there. Ummmmm....NO! I'm not going to have to deal with diaper rash so BM to play house with a real baby instead of a toy. I can't believe that someone that has a child of her own and is supposed to be a trained professional would tell people to not change and feed a baby knowing that consistency and timeliness are not her strong suits. The CW seems to be more interested in the BM's happiness than the child's care. I could care less if BM is happy or unhappy. All I care about is Fuzzy's happiness and well being.

It's my Life