Putting on a face

It's odd and interesting to me how some days the littlest thing reminds me of Madison. Sometimes it's happy thoughts and sometimes they make me cry. Today I'm going to the 1st baby shower that wasn't a close family member (mainly my brother) in 3 years. I have avoided showers like the plague. Events like these open up wounds that are barely healed. I wasn't even completely happy during the little diaper shower my co-workers surprised me with when we got placed with Fuzzy. I dream of having a real shower, and sitting in front of everyone with a huge baby-filled belly. I'm not even sure why I'm participating. I think it's because someone blindsided me 2 weeks ago and asked me to come. I didn't want to tell the person no, and I most definitely didn't want to explain why I don't do showers. I'm tired of the looks of pity people give me. So I lie and put on a big smile, and I will walk my gift over to the shower. Thank Goodness the shower is for a guy that works here, and his pregnant wife won't be here. Also I have to leave early anyway to take Fuzzy to his post-op appointment to make sure all is well in his ears.

Enough

When is enough really enough? I'm so fucking tired of my life and my heart being shit on and torn apart constantly. I don't think I've asked for too much. I just want to be a mother to a living child that's all mine. I don't want to be a dog of the state anymore. I don't want to feel inadequate anymore because the jobs that my husband and I work don't allow us to afford to sign up with a private adoption agency and adopt a newborn, sign the papers, and walk away as that child's legal parents in a matter of months if even that long. Unless we win the lottery, we will be 40 years old by the time we save up $15,000 or more to pay for an adoption. And hey the $15,000 is a reduced rate because we want to adopt a bi-racial or black baby! We could choose to only save $10,000 and try IVF, but with my body that's a huge gamble.

I pray all the time that God intercedes for Fuzzy, and let's him stay with us forever. I pray that he won't get lost in the system and shipped to a home where he will probably become another poverty statistic. I don't want my son taken from me just because I didn't give birth to him, and sent to someone that can't raise him to be a strong man and an asset to society. But so far all we've seen is a bunch of people that don't truly care about him. They say they do, but they don't. They just want reunification at all costs.

Today we were blindsided. We were told last week that he would be going for an hour visit today. But after we dropped him off at daycare his CW calls and says that they are taking him for a 2 night visit, and he will be back Wednesday. She claims that she would have called Friday, but their phones in the office weren't working. That's a load of shit! If she wanted us to know in advance, then she would have called us from her cell phone. I think they want us to mess up so they can use it against us in court in December. They want to pick him up for a overnight and he not have his medicines. But thank God, Robert was at home so he could take the medicines to the daycare and get pictures of how he looks before they picked him up. So now we have to deal with this every week from now until the court date in December. Even though the CW hasn't told us, I know that the December court date will be our make or break hearing, and I'm going into ready to fight or die trying.

Success

Friday we finally got Fuzzy the surgery that he's been needing for months. He had tubes put in, and is doing great. And if this keeps him from having ear infections and constantly having fluid in his ears, then all the time spent in doctor's offices and being pissed off at the BM for not showing up on time don't mean anything anymore. Right now he's taking a much needed nap next to me on the couch after being put in "time out" for the 3rd time for hitting L. We're planning on having a nice, boring weekend at home. As long as the rain stays away, we'll take the kids to the park this afternoon. After a long, rushed, stressful week a little time at home and outside in nature is just what everyone needs. I hope everyone has a nice weekend!

Back in the Swing of Things

My 1st week back at work has been busy as hell. I knew I would have a ton of emails to read, but there are so many that need to be taken care of immediately and a bunch of them that are late. I've spent the last 2 days working on a huge filing, and thank God I finally got it wrapped up. But then I immediately dove into another huge one. Fun times!

I got a call from the ENT's office that will hopefully be doing Fuzzy's surgery next week. We have to get BM to come back to the office to sign all the paperwork again for some stupid reason. It would make too much sense for her consent to cover this type of surgery with this doctor. I don't even remember there being a specific date on the consent! Ughhhh. We also have to take him Monday to his pediatrician to get checked out and cleared for surgery. Even though we just took him to the pediatrician a couple of days ago and he was fine. Then we turn around the next day and take him to the ENT for a pre-op check-up. WTF? Why do we need to have the same check-up 2 days in a row? Sounds like a bunch of doctors milking the system for all it's worth for no reason. Thank God I was able to get the CW agree with me that Fuzzy didn't need any visits, especially overnight visits until after his surgery. But hopefully next Friday, Fuzzy will finally get his long awaited ear surgery.

L has been on one for a while. Last night she kept making herself gag by crying with her mouth wide open while holding all her saliva in her mouth (I'm not sure that explanation makes sense). While I was combing her hair after her bath, she threw up twice! She hates anything dealing with grooming from baths to hair combing. But these are things that I won't stop doing. I try my best to make it easier on her, but there's only so much you can do with a big head of kinky hair and a child that loves to get very, very dirty.

We're planning on taking the kiddos to take pictures Sunday afternoon. We haven't taken L to take professional pictures yet, and I just got Fuzzy a nice little suit and tie set. Crossing my fingers that they both behave and take some good pictures.

Me

I'm going back to work in the morning after 3 weeks of medical leave. I'm ready and not ready at the same time. I know that I still have things to do around the house, but I know that I have a lot of work to take care of at the office. My blood pressure is doing great. I don't know if I'll be able to keep going to the chiropractor as much as I have been since I won't be able to just go anytime I want to anymore. I've been working on a schedule for me to help me make better use of my time. So my plans include going to bed as soon as possible after I get the kids down so I can get up earlier to exercise in the morning. I need to get back in a consistent exercise routine again. I am too effing fat right now. I hate the way I look now. I'm tired of depending on drugs to keep me healthy. Medicines will only do so much. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm almost 300 pounds. I used to be a size 12, what the hell have I let happen to me? No wonder my cycles are so out of whack. No wonder it's been almost 4 years since I've had a pregnancy that didn't end in miscarriage. There's only so much stress I can eliminate from my life, but there are some things that I can make better. I've got a couple of weeks before I start classes to work on my Master's degree again. I'm planning on having another couple over this weekend for dinner. I've started voice lessons again. I love to sing and it's been a long time since I've done more than sing in the car. I need to fill my life and enriching activities instead of food and fears of what will happen with Fuzzy. So that's where I am right now.