Guilt

I've really got to get better about updating my blog. It's not like I don't have anything to say. I have all loads of stuff I want to get off my chest, but I let life take me in other directions. I let my guilt of not being at home with Bella keep me off my computer most days except for Saturday night when I have to do my church overheads. I guess I expected it to get easier to as time went on, but it doesn't.

Friday she fell at daycare and bust her lip on the hard floor. It made me so sad to see her face messed up like that. I just kept thinking that if she had been at home that might not have happened. I still pray all the time that somehow we will come into some money so I can quit my job, and be her sole care provider. I worked so hard to get her here, and I have to drop her off with other people 5 days out of the week. I know that there are pros and cons to daycare, but dammit I don't care. She's my rainbow baby. She's brought joy to my life that I never knew I could have.

Yes, some of you are wondering why I didn't have the joy or the guilt that I have with Bella with Fuzzy. It's hard to admit, but even after 3 years I'm still guarded. He is my son, but that some stupid judge can change that in a matter of minutes. This judge doesn't see me as any more than a long term babysitter. To the courts, his mother is the person that would be proud if he joined a gang, sold drugs, and spent his life locked up. I mean nothing. But when it comes to Bella I am her one and only Mother. There is no one "above" me.

I hate that I feel this way. I am ashamed that I feel this way, but it's hard to remain a starry eyed optimist after all this time. It hasn't been as long as some kids are in the system. But damn everyone sees that this should have been over a long time ago. Our lives should be allowed some sort of normalcy.