Thursday, January 24, 2008


Today is the day I've been looking forward to and dreading at the same time. It's actually been a good day. I was shocked to find a cake sitting on my desk when I got to work from my boss. And my friend gave me a pretty plaque with an angel on it with a verse about faith. Everyone was telling me Happy Birthday all day. I didn't do much in the way of work today which was a bonus even though tomorrow will suck! But hey it's my birthday. Robert surprised me at work with a bouquet of flowers and balloon when he got off work. He even bought me my favorite cake, a tuxedo cake. It's basically a layer of fudge cake topped with layers of deep chocolate cheesecake and creamy mascarpone mousse. Finished with swirls of white and dark chocolate ganache. I absolutely love it!!!! I'm at band practice right now, and afterwards we will go eat Chinese since it's free on your birthday. We're saving our nice dinner out for tomorrow when we go see Meet the Spartans. I can't wait to see that movie. I've been LMAO for weeks at the commercials so I hope it's good.

I finally called the Children's Home to see what our next step was in the adoption process since we hadn't heard anything in weeks since I mailed back the application. I got someone on the phone that sounded confused, but she took my name and number to have the social worker call me back to discuss what our next steps are. I'll give them until Monday to call me back before I call them again. I really want to work with them since they are local and I don't have many options for local agencies. I've heard such good things about them. I just hope this slip up is because they are going through a transition from the person that handled the adoptions for 30 years to a new person taking over. I do have a back up agency that's national that we will contact if the local one doesn't get it's act together. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we will be able to stick with the local group.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I'll be 28 years old in less than 2 days, and I'm just thinking about my life in general. I'm not really sure what I want to say or how exactly to say it. I'm another year older, but am I any wiser or am I just as bitter as I was last year? It's still just Rob and I in the house. I'm still working my same thankless job and I'm still in debt. I'm still fat. Yeah, not much has changed in those categories. But I do have some good things that happened in this last year. I have made new friends. I've used what I've learned during my grieving to help others. I walked a half marathon in 3 hours and 47 minutes. I've strengthened my relationship with God. I started this blog that people actually read sometimes. I've gotten closer to my big brother. And I have an even stronger marriage. All in all I guess 27 wasn't a bad year. But Lord, please make 28 my best year yet.

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Wedding

I'm back from the cold, cold state of Illinois. Well, I've been back for a week now, but I've been trying to get back in the swing of things and get my world back in order. We left Monroe early in the morning on Thursday, January 10, and thanks to my Magellan Maestro GPS we made great time. It took us 9 hours to get there instead of the 9 1/2 to 10 hours that was expected. I was exhausted since I stayed up most of the night getting our stuff together so that Rob could sleep since he was driving. We checked in our hotel and I got to lay down for about 30 minutes before our room was full of people. And then it was back on the road for wedding rehearsal and decorating the church until about 9 that night. The rehearsal was quick, but the decorating was long and frustrating. Too many people trying to be the boss with no direction. So were going around and around trying to figure out how to set things up. I called it an early night and had Rob drop me off at the hotel while he went out with his sister and her husband. I ordered some dinner for delivery and crashed soon after.

All of girls in the wedding got together that next morning to get our hair styled. I liked the back of my hair, but the front left something to be desired. But hey I didn't have many options for an up-do since my hair is short. Here's a pic of the back.

We spent most of the day either in the salon or at the church getting last minuet things together. And keeping Theresa in one piece and sane. The ceremony was simple and beautiful. I did good not to cry because Theresa and Matt are so in love. I'm really happy to have him as a brother-in-law now because he's a great guy.

Theresa just glowed despite all the crap that had been going on in the days leading up to the wedding. We're not even going to go there because that's just too long and drawn out to explain. Let's just say crazy and vindictive family members make me want to bitch slap them. But I can't because it would be wrong to slap your husband's grandmother.

The reception was fun. There was lots of dancing and laughing and great food. We even got Rob out on the floor a couple of times. I was exhausted when it was all over. My feet and back ached like hell.

Rob & I outside of Matt's parent's house

The next day we met up at Matt's parents' house to watch the newlyweds open their gifts and have lunch. We spent the rest of the day with Matt and Theresa just having fun with the occasional run in with the crazies. We went to St. Louis to go to the zoo or the science museum, but both of them were closed or getting ready to close by the time we got there. So we just stopped in at a sports bar for dinner. The first waiter we got took about 20-30 minutes to even come get our drink orders and give us menus. This is after we got talked to the hostess about it and requested to talk with the manager. When the waiter showed up he acted like we were bothering him by coming to eat there. Asshole! The manager was a great guy though. He took our table and tried to make up for the lousy service we had gotten so far. After getting shitty service and talking with the manager we ended up with a free meal. But all in all the day was fun.

That Sunday we kind of poked along in St. Louis and went shopping. We visited the Union Station Mall and looked through their museum. This mall used to be an actual train station that has been renovated. It was full of beautiful stain glass windows and gilded figures. It was cool seeing all the old train items and memorabilia. I found a great Beatles store too. And I snagged a cool poster for my home office. Theresa and Matt didn't leave town for their honeymoon. They're planning a nice one later once they've saved up more money. They spent a couple of nights in a hotel a couple of towns over from us. So we got to spend a lot of time with them. Then on Sunday they moved to the same hotel we were in, right across the hall which was cool. After the mall, we came back and chilled out in the hotel hot tub. We also learned how many fat people it takes to make the hot tub over flow.

We ended up going to a little Chinese restaurant for dinner that was next door to where we were staying. At first it didn't look like it was going to be too good. It was deserted and actually looked like it was closed every time we passed by. But we were so wrong. The food was amazing!!!! It reminded me of the Chinese restaurant in A Christmas Story where they ended up with a table full of food. The service was great and we had tons of left overs. I had a stir fry dish that consisted of chicken, shrimp, scallops, crab, beef, mushrooms and huge chunks of tofu all cooked in a metal pot. It was so good. I wish we had a place like that around here.

Monday we left Illinois about 1:30 that afternoon and headed to an Indian restaurant for lunch before we headed home to LA. This was our first chance at Indian food so we were excited. This place did not disappoint. I had Chicken Vindaloo with a cinnamon rice. Yum Yum! I can't wait until we can have some again! The drive home was good too. We took our time and made some stops along the way. We got in about 12:30 that night. All in all we had a great trip.

I took a ton of pictures on the trip so here's a link to them if you want to look.

Wedding Pictures

Sunday, January 6, 2008

I got my mom's letter yesterday, but I didn't read it until today. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought, but it wasn't that good either. She kept asking me what's the rush since we haven't been married that long. Robert and I have only been married for 2 years now, but what difference does that make. I must have missed the part in the vows were the preacher asked do we vow to wait X number of years to start a family. I must have been paying attention to something else during that part. She mentioned the whole money thing again, but I already knew that was coming. She just wants us to make sure that we are completely financially stable because kids are very expensive. But we already know that so moving on. One question she kept asking was "Have you given God time to answer your prayers?" My thing is how do you know when He's answered your prayers? Is is when you get what you want? What if you never get what you asked for, is that your answer? Is there a certain amount of time you should wait before you assume that you've gotten your answer? Do you just wait by the phone to see if it ever rings? Is it like waiting for a bus that may or may not ever come? It's not like I've ever gotten a burning bush or a visit from an angel telling me my answer. So how do I know? I think I just have to step out on faith, and pray for God's guidance. I've always gone back to the same scripture over and over: “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

How do you know when your prayers have been answered?

Friday, January 4, 2008

It's not raining outside, but it is inside of my heart. I finally decided or got up the nerve to tell my parents that we're planning to adopt. I wrote them a letter and mailed it. It was the only way I knew I could get everything I wanted to say out of my mind and my heart. I know they got it a couple of days ago, and I hadn't heard anything about it. So I called this morning, and my mom tells me that she's mailing me a letter back with her response. She says she thinks it was a good idea to write a letter so she decided to do it too. She wants to make sure I know exactly what she thinks and I won't miss or forget anything since it will be right in front of me in black and white. After hearing this and the tone of her voice I know it's not good. So I changed the subject to our trip to Illinois next week. I mentioned that I was going to have my friend that has done my hair on and off for over a decade give me a perm this weekend instead of going to my usual salon. This way I can save some money since she doesn't charge me, and the salon would be about a $100. My mom then says "See. That's why I don't think you all should adopt. There are always unexpected expenses popping up." I know what she really meant is "I don't think you all can afford it. If you have to skip going to the salon to save extra money for a trip. Then you can't afford a baby." It pisses me off and it breaks my heart all the same time. Why does my mother want to see me in pain? Everyday that I go home and pass by that room that should be a nursery, a piece of me dies. Everyday that someone else gets pregnant or has a baby that I know, a little piece of me dies. She knows how much having a child means to me, but yet she shoots down our option. I know that having a biological child would probably be cheaper in the beginning, but they all cost the same once they're at home. We're not rich, but we're not destitute either. We're willing to make the sacrifices that need to be made to make our dreams come true. Would she rather I only keep trying to get pregnant? Hey maybe this time it will kill me or just handicap me from a stroke? Would you be happy then mama? We saved some money because we didn't adopt. So now the money that would have been spent on that will be spent to bury me or take care of me until I die. Is that what you fucking want? I hate that I even care what she thinks. I really fucking hate it.