Moving on

Well, the witch, bitch, evil aunt flow showed up today. I'm not even stressing about it this time because we really didn't try. It was too much work to even really track my cycle like I should, and there is no way I'm taking any clomid for a while. I don't need raging anger on top of being tired as hell. I do plan to ease my way back into the conception game starting this cycle. I will go back to taking my temps since I'm getting up a regular time every day now, and that will help me verify that I've ovulated. But I think I have been ovulating the past couple of cycles on my own which is wonderful!

Tonight we will take the little man to our church for Trick R Trunk dressed as a chili pepper. Mama loves peppers! Then we will be lazy and have some food from our favorite Chinese restaurant delivered while we sit on the couch and watch the Ghost*hunters marathon on Sci*Fi. I love that show. There's not really much else you can do for a 3 month old for Halloween, but next year will be a lot more fun for him. I'll post some pictures as soon as I get a chance.

Busy, busy bee

I've been working and working and working for the past couple of weeks. There seems to be a never ending supply of fires to put out at work, and we don't see an end in sight anytime soon. Monday our company announced it's merger with E*mbarq. I'm not feeling good about this simply based on my history with mergers. I've gone through 2 in the past and both times I lost my job. I'm 28 freaking years old! I just hope that I'm not the one to go home this time. It's not like there are a lot of good careers in my town, and with us having Squeaker we can't move. I finally have a baby, and I'm not letting go of him without a fight.

We should be having our 1st home visit this Thursday since S was placed with us in September. So I've been working through lunch and after work to make up the time I will be away from the office for this visit. His worker should come by our house that morning and then take him for his weekly parental visit. She will drop him back at the daycare when his visit is over. I'm not sure what to expect from this visit, but I've been cleaning the house and trying to make sure I have things in order when she gets here. It's hard to keep the house neat and clean when you work all day and have a small baby. The laundry piles up, things get dropped here and there, and dishes don't get washed everyday just so we can spend as much time with S when we're at home. S's favorite babysitters are keeping him tomorrow evening so I will be cleaning house during that free time.

Rob and I skipped our 10 year class reunion this past weekend. I've had several friends email me that they missed me being there, but neither of us wanted to spend $70 for a thrown together reunion. It never seemed really organized to me. They actually organized the whole thing over freaking M*yspace...WTF? We're how freaking old? Maybe we'll go to the 20th reunion. LOL!

Well, I better get to bed because morning comes very, very quickly.

Shitty Day

....Nuf said.

Doing Better

Well, little Squeaker had a horrible night Saturday so mama took things into her own hands Sunday night. I'll leave it at that, no need for the gross details. But he's doing much better now and we hope to keep things flowing correctly. He's asleep right now on the couch. I think he's about to have a nice growth spurt since he's been sleeping a lot more the past couple of days. I forgot to mention that Squeaker is 13 pounds and 25 inches! My big boy or should I say long boy :) He's a little below average for weight, but he's in the 105% percentile for height. I am upset with myself because I cut off all of my nails and filed them smooth once I almost scratched S a couple of times. But today somehow I managed to scratch him on his forehead when I was repositioning him on my lap. I wanted to cry. I just hope that it doesn't leave a scar :(

We've been spending the past week trying to figure out who we're going to get to replace our patio door and do some roof repairs. I just hated to pay some huge chain an outrageous install fee for a freaking patio door. I don't think that the install should cost almost double the price of the door! But we've got a contractor lined up to come next Monday to change our broken sliding door into a beautiful french door! I'm so excited! He's got great references and has been in business for himself for almost 25 years so I feel that he will do a good job for us.

Our 1st home visit with S's case worker is next Monday also. I hope that goes well. Rob called her today to find out what we needed to do to get permission to take him with us in November to my brother and his girlfriend's baby shower in Dallas. She says it's not a problem especially since we've given her almost 4 weeks advance notice. She also says no one ever gives her that much notice, but I just wanted to be on the safe side. I'm looking forward to the trip, and I started today buying baby gifts for my new niece.

I've been dealing with a sick baby on and off all week. R (which I will now refer to as Squeaky) had his first immunizations on Tuesday. For some reason the other foster parents didn't take him for his 1 month shots so he had to make up that shot this time too. He got a shot in both legs and it broke my heart to watch him look at me and cry, and there was no way for me to really make it better. I held him and rocked him for a few minutes and he finally stopped crying and calmed down. He went to sleep soon after that, and I took him to daycare so I could go to work. By the time I picked him up he had been fussy all day. He ran a fever most of the night and just cried and whined so much. I felt so helpless. Thank God he was better the next day, but now he's battling constipation. My poor baby has not pooed in days. Everything I try is not working. He's still eating and has not vomited or anything like that. His doctor changed his formula to a soy formula a month ago, but we've only been on it for about 2 weeks now. I would rather have him gassy and spitting up than be constipated and in pain like that. I'm praying that he gets better tonight or tomorrow because if not he's going back to the doctor Monday. Please pray for my little guy because I can't imagine how hard it is to be so small and have to deal with that.

Remembrances

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. So all across the country and even the world people will be remembering our tiniest angels. I woke up this morning after taking care of a sick baby last night and thought about my little princess and my other little sweet pea that left too soon. I always try not to cry when I think about them, but it's hard not too. I miss them both so much. But today I want to think of all the good things that I remember.

I remember getting the best gift on Christmas morning 2005 when I saw the words "Pregnant" on that test stick. I ran and woke Rob up at 5 in the morning screaming and crying tears of joy. I remember the 1st time we saw Maddie's little beating heart. And the day when confirmed that we were having a little girl. She was full of attitude already. She kept turning her back on the ultrasound tech that was trying to confirm the sex. I remember one night when I was home alone a song I like came on. I got up and started doing the electric slide and she just jumped and kicked and moved in my tummy. I read to her almost every night, and I could feel her calm down and probably go to sleep. I remember when she kicked Rob in the ear when he got too close to my stomach. Yep, we had a feisty daughter. Madison had light brown ringlet curls and long, long legs. She was going to be tall like her mama and uncle. I can't wait to see her again and hold her again. She will never be forgotten nor replaced in our hearts. Mama loves you, Madison Sherina Renee!

Here are a couple of things that I've collected over the past 2 years from other angel mamas. One is a beautiful poem that I really love. The other is a wonderfully touching song "Homesick Angel" by Cadillac Sky that brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. Make sure to listen to the words. It's beautiful.

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.

Love Heals Your Heart by Third Day

Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you’re able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it’s hard to understand
How we’re trapped inside

When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Missing Pieces

I'm sitting here listening to a group of people talk about being pregnant and having more kids. They talk about how wonderful being pregnant is until your last month when you're so tired and big. They gush over how the newest preggo is belly is showing. They ask her if her little boy is getting excited about being a big brother. My kids will never know their big sister, my niece that is due to born in January will never know her cousin, Madison. No matter how many kids I have there will always be a missing piece of my heart and of my life. I don't think the pain ever truly goes away. You just learn to live with it better and better, but sometimes the pain is as raw as it was in the beginning. My eyes have started to blur as I try to hold back the tears. I hate to cry at work.

*I started this post a couple of days ago and just never finished it.


I have a baby at home with me right now that needs me, but I still can't help the fact that I'm still not fulfilled. I need to get pregnant again and we both need to make it this time. I think in my heart I will always fill incomplete until I conquer my body. I guess that sounds weird to be at war with your own body, but I am. My body is what betrayed me 2 years ago. A part of me wants to show the world and mainly my evil, evil godmother that I am not a fat failure. I don't have to be 150 pounds to have a healthy baby. I can still hear her voice in the back of my head saying that if I wasn't so fat this wouldn't have happened. It's like the classroom scene from A Christmas Story where Ralphie's teacher dressed as an evil witch and his mom dressed as a jester are taunting him over and over "You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out!" and laughing in his face about the one thing in the world he wants more than anything. I've tried for years to silence the voice in the back of my head. I haven't spoken to my godmother since that day in the hospital. But yet her voice is still there mocking my loss, mocking me, taunting me. I will prove that witch wrong one day... I will give birth to my little earth angel.

Progress!

After over 3 weeks of phone calls to R's old doctor, new doctor,medicaid, and case worker I finally got him an appointment on Monday with the new doctor! I only had to call the old doctor every couple of hours for 2 days straight for them to fax over 1 freaking sheet of paper. ONE SHEET OF PAPER!!!!! The only record they claimed to have was his discharge paper, but it was enough for the new doctor to finally let us make an appointment. So Monday morning R will see his new pediatrician after I fill out a ton of paperwork. But it's worth it to finally have him moved to a new doctor, and to finally have his chest congestion looked at. He came to us with it, and after all the vaporizers, sleeping at an incline, and such he still has it. It's not bothering him, but it's bothering me. My poor little rattling baby. We still don't have a shot record, but I will check with the doc to see what he wants us to do because I plan to take him for his 2 month shots this week since he's late.

We also have to go back to the WIC office to get his formula vouchers re-issued. Even after getting a copy of the form that his doctor filled out changing his formula to a soy formula they still had him in the system for the regular E*nfamil lipil with iron. I didn't notice the error before I left because I was too busy trying to get the hell out of there once they called my name. So we will run by there before his doctor's visit since they're about a mile away. Pray for me that this visit is quick and painless as possible.

Shower

My co-workers threw myself and one of the other ladies in our department a small shower today. Her daughter just had a baby girl last week, and it's only right to make sure that the proud grandma has supplies. But since both her daughter and I have mostly everything we need for our babies they decided to throw us a diaper shower. What parent of an infant doesn't need diapers? I loved it! I ended up with 2 big containers of wipes, and 4 packs of Swaddlers and Huggies. I also got some burp cloths, comb and brush set, a cute bib, and a hat and bootie set. I wasn't expecting this at all. We were just supposed to have a group pizza lunch in one of the conference rooms. And this show couldn't have come at a better time because we were going to the store tomorrow to get more diapers for the house! I can now save that money for another day. :)

I also got a call from one of the CASA workers (Court Appointed Special Advocates) this evening. She's in charge of talking to the foster parents and getting a Christmas list from them for the kids. Each of the volunteers is assigned a child, and they always like shopping for the little ones. I wasn't expecting this call so I had no idea what to ask for besides a floor activity mat and any age appropriate toys they can come up with. She got all of R's sizes, and asked me what would be a dream gift I would like for him. I said that he would love to have a swing that goes side to side instead of the back and forth like our swing does. He's usually in the side to side swing at day care when I pick him up, but he rarely likes to swing in our normal back and forth swing. I think it's wonderful that there are people out there looking out for him and the other foster kids to make sure that they will have a merry Christmas with lots of gifts. I'm looking forward to Christmas this year since things will be totally different now that he's with us.

Soapbox Time

I had the misfortune to have my first "appointment" at the WIC office yesterday to get R's next set of vouchers for his formula. I really wonder if yesterday was a test from God to see if I could keep myself from beating the crap out of people. My "appointment" was for 8:30. I got to the office a little before 8 since Rob has to be at work for 8, and his office is a few blocks away. I sat in my car for about 10 minutes, and decided to go in and wait. I finally find where I'm supposed to go, and there are 6 people already there. I go to sign in and I notice that we all have the same "appointment" time. I take a seat in the middle of the room as I try to ignore all the big pregnant bellies and small babies. Over the next 20 something minutes another 25 people show up, all either with bellies, babies, or bellies and babies. This is an infertile's nightmare!!!!

I notice that a lot of the women there are wearing designer clothes, pushing huge expensive travel systems, and carrying designer diaper bags. I listen to several conversations that range from a couple of women mentioning that this is kid # 4, 5, or 6. One talked about how her other 3 kids are with her mom now, and she was mad that the state lowered her food stamps to only $600 a month now that the kids are gone. WTF?! One woman that looked very strung out talked about hoping to keep this baby since "they took the other 3". There were a couple of guys there with their baby mamas, and I couldn't help but wonder why they weren't at work? No one talked about work or needing to get to work they only talked about material things and how much $$ they get from the state from this program or that program, and I wonder if any of them hold jobs?

I couldn't help but get angry that these people can lay on their backs all day, pop babies out left and right, and I have to take care of them. I have to budget and shop sales, but they can live high on the hog! After telling my co-worker about my "appointment" she asked "what are we doing wrong that we have to work and work for what we get while others just get hand outs?" And my reply was the problem is that We Work! If we were sorry enough not to work when we could we could get hand outs too.

This "appointment" was finally started with a class on eating fruits and veggies that I had to sit through. I've known since I was a little kid that you have to eat fruits and veggies! But obviously some people don't know that. After the class they started to hand out the vouchers. But instead of fucking going by the sign-in sheet they just printed out all of the vouchers and started randomly calling names. People who came in 20-30 minutes after me got their stuff first. Why the fuck did you have me sign-in and put what time I got here if that wasn't going to be used for a damn thing! I understand that you're used to working with people that have nothing else to do all day, but sit and wait, but some of us work for a freaking living! Thank God I was called pretty quickly.

I don't understand why they put foster parents through this like we're the ones asking for the hand outs. This is part of the state's package that they provide for the child we're caring for. Most foster parents work outside of the home so for us to come to your office and sit around is not fair. I think I would rather pay for his formula myself than have to sit in that WIC office every couple of months to get some vouchers! I don't understand why we can't be like other states, and be able to get the baby's formula from the social worker's office. That would make life so much easier. No group "appointments", no waiting around with 30 other people hoping that your name gets called early, and no more being stuck in a room full of women that are like cats that have a litter every time they go in heat. Yeah, I said it and I could care less if I offend anyone! Don't breed 'em, if you can't feed 'em. I know that there are some people that are hard working, trying to make ends meet that genuinely need assistance, and they should be able to get it. But for the majority of the people in the system that's not the case. I agree with an email I read a few weeks back about Bill Cosby should run for president. One of the 1st lines was that "All federal and state assistance will be paid out at the end of either a 40 hour work week or full week of school attendance. No one is going to pay you to do nothing!"