I've blogged about music a couple of times before, but this time is different. I've been perplexed for a couple of months about a song. Everyday no matter what I do I hear the same song at some point during the day. Days when I don't listen to music much, I will get in the car to run a quick errand and this song will come on. This song has a very deep importance to me. It's the song that I heard the night, God took hold of my heart and pulled me away from my destructive path. Many people have no clue of the deep, angry, dark depression I sunk into after Madison died. I did things that to this day make me tear up thinking about. I hated God. He had abandoned me and my daughter when we needed him most. I begged to die. I seriously contemplated taking my own life. I hurt my mother by refusing to listen to anything she said about God and throwing the bible she brought me. I was trying to dull the hurt and anger in any way I could which included a lot of alcohol.
But one late night on my way home from the liquor store, this particular song came on the radio. And it's hard to put into words the exact feeling, but I knew it was God touching my heart. It was so powerful and so real that all I could was cry and ask for forgiveness. I realized that I was one that had left. God had never left me the whole time. I just didn't want to hear his voice.
And now this song is making itself a part of my daily life all of a sudden. A friend told me to pray and ask for God to reveal to his message and to give me the strength to handle whatever storm will come my way. I can't help but wonder if this is all to prepare me for court next week. We will meet the new judge and no one has any clue what could happen with this case. But no matter what I know that I will not fall or have to go through anything alone. God has never left me. He was there when I lost my sister, Sherina. He was there when we lost Madison, and He will be there next week when we walk back into the unknown.