Neglected

I have been gone far too long. I have said over and over that I will write tonight or tomorrow, and it's been months. I had to make myself just stop what I was doing (watching TV on my lunch) and just write. Let's see what has changed since I last wrote:

Fuzzy turned 4 years old back in July. He had his Avengers themed party with a bunch of friends at Chuck E Cheese.

We went back to court and finally the judge has changed the goal from reunification to adoption. Now we wait for our next hearing to hopefully finally terminate his birth mother's rights. That will be an amazingly happy day for us and a lot of people. It's hard to get too hopeful, but I feel like we are finally seeing some light that may be the end of this tunnel we have been in for far too long.

Fuzzy has started Pre-K, and loves it. He's learning so much, and it's awesome to watch. His teacher refers to him as her little ball of loving energy. Yep, he's hyper as all get out.

Arabella turned 2 on September 1. We had a huge Dora themed luau for her. It was a lot of fun especially when the sno-cone truck showed up. Everyone loved making their own treats.My brother and his family were able to come into town for the party and it was great getting to spend some time with them.

I personally have been working on losing weight and getting healthier. I am down 40 pounds since Easter!!! I'm eating so much better and exercising consistently. I really feel like I have finally turned a corner and I can do anything I set my mind too.

I will try to do better and update more often as things change and as Fuzzy's case progresses. I can't wait to actually call him by his actual name!

My Song

I've blogged about music a couple of times before, but this time is different. I've been perplexed for a couple of months about a song. Everyday no matter what I do I hear the same song at some point during the day. Days when I don't listen to music much, I will get in the car to run a quick errand and this song will come on. This song has a very deep importance to me. It's the song that I heard the night, God took hold of my heart and pulled me away from my destructive path. Many people have no clue of the deep, angry, dark depression I sunk into after Madison died. I did things that to this day make me tear up thinking about. I hated God. He had abandoned me and my daughter when we needed him most. I begged to die. I seriously contemplated taking my own life. I hurt my mother by refusing to listen to anything she said about God and throwing the bible she brought me. I was trying to dull the hurt and anger in any way I could which included a lot of alcohol.

But one late night on my way home from the liquor store, this particular song came on the radio. And it's hard to put into words the exact feeling, but I knew it was God touching my heart. It was so powerful and so real that all I could was cry and ask for forgiveness. I realized that I was one that had left. God had never left me the whole time. I just didn't want to hear his voice.

And now this song is making itself a part of my daily life all of a sudden. A friend told me to pray and ask for God to reveal to his message and to give me the strength to handle whatever storm will come my way. I can't help but wonder if this is all to prepare me for court next week. We will meet the new judge and no one has any clue what could happen with this case. But no matter what I know that I will not fall or have to go through anything alone. God has never left me. He was there when I lost my sister, Sherina. He was there when we lost Madison, and He will be there next week when we walk back into the unknown.

Drug of Choice

I was listening to the radio on the way back to work from lunch today, and caught part of a daily devotion. They were talking about how food is some people's drug of choice just like cocaine or heroin. The words drug of choice rang in my ears over and over. Drug of choice....drug of choice.... I've known for years that food is my drug of choice.

I've fought it for more than half my life. But I always go back to it when I'm depressed, happy, angry, anxious, or bored. And it's always there waiting for me like an addict and their favorite dealer. There is no need for me to hide in the shadows because my drug is an acceptable one in the eyes of society. It's everywhere from my office to church. We all know church is somewhere to find some really good food. Food and fellowship go hand in hand.

I spend so much time planning and trying to always give my kids healthy foods especially Bella. I fear that since she shares my genes that one day she may have to battle her weight. That fear brings tears to my eyes. I don't want her to ever have to be the little girl that's promised a new wardrobe of anything she wants if she will just lose 50 pounds over the summer. I don't want her to give up anything she loves because she's tired of being the fluffy one in the group. I need to beat my addiction so that food never becomes her drug of choice. But how?

This brings me to thinking about what I will give up for Lent. Originally I was considering giving up fast food, but with our busy lives that may be impossible. Fast food is not my problem. It's what I choose when I go there. So instead of giving up fast food, I am giving up fried foods. So starting tomorrow, if it's not grilled, steamed, sauteed, raw, or baked I will not consume it. No McDonald's nuggets (oh how I love them) and no deep fried golden sticks of wondrous french fries.

I'm praying that taking this time to actively focus on removing this from my life and giving this struggle over to God will move me in the right direction overall.

A friend mentioned to me that they add something to their lives instead of giving up something during Lent. I like that idea so I will be adding back my morning prayer time before everyone wakes up and we get wrapped up in the day ahead. Some one on one time with my Father sounds like a good thing.