I'm Still Here

I haven't posted in a while because I just haven't felt like talking. Fuzzy's CW called last week to say that they (her, her supervisor, and the district supervisor) discussed the case and now they are not going to recommend changing the case plan to adoption. So basically they think that what BM is doing is still not a big deal, and she should get even more time. We're praying that the judge will see things differently and change the case plan. But all we can do is pray and trust that God will take care of Fuzzy and us.

We had a nice Thanksgiving. My brother and his family were here so we got to spend some time with them. My niece has gotten so big since I last saw her, and she's crawling around so well. She kept giving me these huge grins. It was fun to watch Fuzzy playing on the floor with her.

We did some black Friday shopping, but we didn't go out until later in the morning to avoid the craziness. Saturday was spent at home most of the day until we went to dinner with some family. Today I woke up with a horrible migraine and congestion. I could barely see straight. I managed to go up to the church to get the computer ready for the 2 church services before I came home and crashed for several hours. I'm still not feeling too hot, but I'm forcing myself to stay out of bed at least for a few hours before bed.

L came back from her extended family visit. She's been acting up, but I know it's because she's upset about having to leave her siblings again. There's no way to really explain to a 2 year old that she's just going for a visit. We cut her a lot of slack. But we also can't let her just run wild and get away with breaking all our rules because she's been away.

Praise Report

We went to court today, and Fuzzy is still with us! The case was called and the judge ordered BM to take another drug test, and said that if it's a good test then she would have something positive to tell her. Well, she left with the bailiff to take a test. We sat and waited for 30 minutes before she came back. Then about 20 minutes later the CW came out and pulled us aside. She said that we must have had a lot of people praying for us. The test was not good so we will go back to court in December. They will send the test off to another lab to confirm the results. And in December they will be recommending the case plan be changed to Adoption. My heart just about leaped from my chest when I heard that. God is so good. Robert and I were both prepared to go into this hearing with guns blazing with our attorney, and put everything on the line. But something kept eating at me about doing this. I prayed about it and felt led to not go that route. I felt like we were trying to make our own way and not following God's way. Then we got our horrible news this past week, and started praying. I prayed and prayed for God to give me the strength to follow his plan. I knew that nothing would happen to Fuzzy that was not already in God's plan. So for now we are celebrating that our son is home, safe and sound. We will continue to pray, and thank God for everything.

Thank you to everyone that has been thinking and praying for us. I love you all!

In the End

Today we got the worst news possible. Fuzzy is going to leave us on Tuesday. His case worker, her supervisor, and the district supervior met earlier this week and decided that he has been in care too long. And his Bm hasn't done anything to him yet that would let the state terminate her rights. The fact that she puts him in danger all the time doesn't matter. He has to actually be physically hurt. The system is broken, and there isn't anything we can do to fix it. So they have moved court up from Dec. 6 to Nov. 17. They are recommending to the judge that he be returned immediately. No one cares about all of the evidence of her not taking care of him and riding him around on the interstate sitting in her lap. No one cares! I managed to hold myself together while his caseworker was here. I did tell her that I pray nothing happens to him. But if it does it's on her head. Rob and I took off this afternoon, and spent the day in the park just letting him play. We took lots of video and pictures. Tomorrow we're scheduled to take family portraits...our last pictures with our son. I'm trying to remember that this is all according to God's plan, and nothing will happen to him that God has not intended. But it still hurts so much. In 3 days, my son will be taken away from the only home he's ever known, and dropped into a horrible, horrible place. I pray he will overcome, and make something of himself.

I'm not even sure why I pulled up the website, but something lead me to do it. I started looking at the available children again on the state foster care websites. On there I found an adorable 10 year old little girl. Her little write-up sounds great. She's doing good in school, doesn't have any medical issues or emotional issues that we know of, she loves Dis*ney and H*annah Mon*tana. I wanted to know more about her and find out where in the state she's living right now. I don't know if this will lead to adoption at this point, but you never know. I contacted my licensing worker, and she's getting in touch with the case worker for this child so we can talk with her. I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Hidden Gems

My sister-in-law sent me this email today, and I wanted to share it with ya'll. It's so true and something that I will have to keep reminding myself of especially if things don't turn out well for Fuzzy and us.

Hidden Gems

Sometimes we have an experience that we don’t understand, but if we look deeply, or wait long enough, a reason for that experience will usually reveal itself. All the events in our lives lead to other events, and all that we have manifested in this present moment is the result of past events and experiences. We cannot easily tease apart the many threads that have been woven together to create our current reality. Experiences that don’t make sense, as well as any that we regret, are just as responsible for the good things in our lives as the experiences we do understand or label as "good."

This is especially important to remember at times when we feel directionless or unsure of what to do. It is often at times like these that we take a job or move to a place without really knowing if it’s the right thing to do. We may ultimately end up leaving the job or the place, but often during that time we will have met someone who becomes an important friend, or we may have an experience that changes us in a profound way. When all the pieces of our life don’t quite make sense, we can remember that there may be some hidden gem of a reason that we are where we are having the experiences we are having.

It’s fun to look back on past experiences with an eye to uncovering those gems - the dreadful temporary job in a bland office building that introduced you to the love of your life; the roommate you couldn’t tolerate who gave you a book that changed your life; the time spent living in a city you didn’t like that led you into a deeper relationship with yourself. Remembering these past experiences can restore our faith in the present. Life is full of buried treasures. Chances are, you’re sitting on some right now.

Low Standards

It's 2 AM and my son is coughing and hacking in his sleep. We can't get and keep him well, because we have to keep sending him to spend time with that idiot. No matter how many times you tell her that he can't be around smoke, she doesn't care. It pisses me off to no end that some people are held to such low standards that most people wouldn't even consider them parents or even a free teenage babysitter just because they gave birth. She makes him sick. She puts in him a lot of danger every time he's with her, but it's ok because she gave birth to him. I would die for him, but it doesn't matter because I didn't give birth to him. It's ok for her to ride him around in her lap in a little smoke filled pick-up truck. It's ok for her to feed him so many whole grapes that he's pooped whole grapes for 2 days. It's ok for her to let him sit around and marinate in a dirty diaper to the point where his private is red and irritated. I guess the judge will only see a problem is what she does lands him in the hospital, and even then she may just ignore it like everything else.

Next week, Fuzzy will be gone for 4 days, 4 whole days. God help me and God protect him.

My little boy is gone again tonight, and will be gone tomorrow night. I hate this. I feel so lost without him here. I should be able to get a bunch done on my homework, but I can't because I keep thinking about him. Everything here reminds me of him. His little shoe was in the middle of the floor where he walked out of it last night. His favorite stuffed frog was where he dropped it this morning when we left for daycare this morning. I'm trying to keep my faith that things will work out for our family, but I can't help think that we will walk in court next month and they will snatch him out of our lives forever.

Hallweenie

We survived Halloween, and I'm glad it's over. Our church always has a huge Trick R Trunk on Halloween, and the band played this year. This meant that Rob and I would be busy with the band, and not have enough time to watch both of the kids. Thank God Robert's mom was able to come and keep up with the kids. We had a great time, and there were 1,200 people that came to the event which is the best turn out ever. By the time we got home we were all exhausted. I was in bed about 10:30, and very happy that the time changed last night. Thank you for the extra hour of sleep! Here are shots of the kids in their costumes and our costumes. Fuzzy the Dragon and L the Ladybug

Robert dressed as Shikamaru from Naruto (minus the black hair)

Me dressed as Temari from Naruto (minus the blond wig. I tried, but it just looked a fool.)