Quick Update

I know this is the longest I've gone without posting since I started my blog, and I feel so weird not updating. I've just been so busy with home and work duties. I went on a weekend get-away with my friend, Kelley, last weekend. I will post the pics from that soon. I just wanted to let everyone know I'm alive and well, just very busy. Tonight my sister-in-law, future brother-in-law, and grandmother-in-law (is that a term) are coming over for dinner tonight. Sister and Brother-in-law live up north so we don't see them a lot. We're going to take them out to the cemetery to see Madison since none of them have had a chance to yet.

Tomorrow evening I'll probably be lighting a fire under my mother-in-law to finish my Halloween costume since she's very far behind schedule. I'm hoping she gets it done, but I think it will look so cool. I'm excited. I always love going to my church's Trick R Trunk and giving candy out to all the little kids that come by. This year I'll be a black anime character. Since there is a lack of good, cool black anime characters I've invented one. I like to refer to myself as the Giant Black Japanese Doll. Yes, most people that I've told that are so confused. There's just something strange about black Japanese. Hopefully this costume will be just one of many cosplay outfits to come. My next project will be a big one that I plan to execute for an anime convention in March. I will be Urd from Ah! My Goddess.We've started researching and looking for supplies now because being in a small town most things out of the "ordinary" have to be ordered online. I can't seem to find a good picture of her with her wings showing. I love the fact that she's half goddess and half demon. So she has 1 white wing and 1 black wing.

This was supposed to be aquick update. Oh well back to researching tariffs since that's what I'm being paid for.

LMAO

I just spent about an hour online looking at people's profiles on Myspace and laughing my ass off. My BFF wanted me to check out the pages for our 10 year reunion. I don't understand why grown ass people feel the need to spend all their time on a site telling other people Hi or What's Up or Look at me!!! WTF? That makes no sense. I'm sorry but once I get home from working 8 plus hours, I have no desire to hang out on a site that's geared to teens. I'm freaking 27 years old. I laugh at all the people that can't just be real and accept their lives. These are the same people that haven't grown up or matured since they graduated from high school. You have some people lying about their ages or their jobs or their degrees or lack of degrees. Why? What's the purpose of lying to strangers about your life? You're true friends accept you just the way you are. Why even say anything if you have to make it up? Some people can say that a blog is the same, but hardly. The blogs that I read and follow are about someone's real life. None of them use their whole page to send shout outs to people. They actually write about subjects and a lot of them give information. I guess you actually have to have some brain waves to maintain a real blog.

October 15

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I remember my daughter and the little baby that would be due in a couple of weeks everyday. I miss them both deeply. They are very much a part of my life today. I wasn't able to find any memorials going on in my town for this event so Robert and I will have our own private remembrance tonight. We'll light Madison's memorial candle and remember the wonderful times we had with her and dream of seeing her again. We'll take some pink roses to her grave because I know she would have loved pink as much as her mommy does. We will honor both of our babies today. I hope that you'll think of my babies and the millions of precious babies that have been lost.

How very softly you tip toed into my world, almost silently.
Only a moment you stayed,
but what an impact your Footprints have left on my heart.

I was going to be nice

I had decided that I was going to post a lighthearted post today since it's Friday and I don't have a ton to do this weekend. But I can't. I've seen too many stories of stupid bitches that can have kids as easy as they can open their damn legs, but treat the kids like shit when they get here. I don't fucking understand why some people can have one baby and before that kid can hold it's head up they are pregnant with another one. And every time they get knocked up it will be a nice easy pregnancy. Why the fuck do so many good people try forever to get pregnant and then that pregnancy goes down in flames?

I think back to this survey I got from the Louisiana department of health a couple months after Madison died wanting me to help in their research as to why my baby died. I ignored it for months because I didn't give a damn if I helped anyone else make it through their pregnancy scott free. But I finally decided to answer it and it just pissed me off.
It asked me questions like:

1. If I had medical care the whole time?
2. Did I smoke while pregnant?
3. Did I do drugs or drink?
4. Did I take prenatal vitamins?
5. Did my partner abuse me?

I think those are the stupidest questions. I learned all those things were wrong a long time before I started gapping my legs to get pregnant. I did everything I was supposed to and more, but still all I have to show for it is a c-section scar and a headstone. These bitches can commit all kinds of wrong against their unborn child and yet they come home with a healthy baby. I'm fucking tired of feeling like a leper. I'm tired of coming home to a house with an empty nursery. I'm sick and tired of watching everyone get their dreams while I can't seem to wake from my nightmare. I think my dream job would be the punisher of people that hurt children. That way I could take out all my anger and rage on someone that deserves it.

My busy, busy life

I've been MIA for longer than usual simply because work has been so effing busy. Last week we had to spend 2 days in meetings all day long. But what the powers that be don't understand is that work still piles up even though you're in meetings. People still email you, call you, and due dates for projects still approach. We got stuck in meetings that mostly had nothing to do with us. Our boss likes to give the appearance that he's more important and more knowledgeable than he is. So he basically crashed another group's annual meetings and drug us along for the ride. It was nice being able to meet the people we work with that are located all over the country, but that could have been accomplished without taking us away from our work for 2 days. So by the time that was all over I'm so behind I don't even know which way is up.

And don't even get my started on that asshole we call Forrest Gump. He basically told us that we're "under performing" and depending on people that have been with the company for decades. "You all should be the experts in your department. But instead people in the company call Mr. X or Mrs. Y to get answers when they should call you." Why the fuck would someone call me to ask a question about something someone else in our department did? People with brains will call the person that did the project not just some random person that happens to be in the same department. He wants us to spend most of our day kissing people's asses all over the country, and somehow figure out how to get our actually work done at the same time. He just confirmed everything I've heard about him from other people and everything I've thought. He's out for himself and doesn't care to appreciate the people that really do the work behind the scenes. If you're not Suzy Suck-up then you'll never get anywhere as long as he's in charge. I've been there almost 3 years, and I can't remember one time he's shown any of us his appreciation. But all the time I see other VPs showing their employees their thanks. I'm not asking for a huge cash bonus even though that would be nice. But hell a simple lunch out that we don't have to pay for would be nice. Someday when I'm the one in charge I'll show my people how much they mean to me and not treat them like indentured servants.

Also this past week when I got home I had tons of questions from people looking at my Ebay auctions and from my Avon store. Also I was working on getting items together for my yard sale. I'm so glad that most of my auctions are done and my yard sale is over because I just need to relax finally. Too many things just fell at the same time. But at least I made some good money and got some extra room in my house.

I had a pretty good day today since I was away from the office for a training class. I love training classes that have nice long lunches and get out early. Now that's the life. I actually did learn a lot in class. But it's back to purgatory tomorrow.

I am so tired, so very tired. My heart just hurts. Please stop hurting. Why won't the pain just go away?

Silence is golden especially when you have 2 co-workers that feel the need to talk about their babies all day, everyday.