I can sum up me in one word: depressed. Nothing new has happened really. Fuzzy's case is at a stand still. His next court date is supposed to just be a 3 month review so nothing special. We will attend in case the judge wants to talk to us about the crap that went on with his overnight visits. L hasn't been progressing much, actually it depends on who she's around. She wants all of our attention so she tries to act like a baby around us, and it turns into a huge battle to get her to do somethings that we know she can do. She's not even trying to communicate with me most of the time. Her therapist and everyone has been working on getting her to point to what she wants. She was doing it for a while now not so much. I can sit down on the couch with some goldfish crackers. Fuzzy will come over to me and reach for the box or hold out his hand. She will stand about 4 feet away and just stare at me. If I ask her what do you want or say show me what you want. She will just stare or smile. To me that's not communicating correctly. It's so frustrating.

Our 4th wedding anniversary will be Wednesday, and the 4th anniversary of my sister's passing will be Friday. Madison was due on our 1st anniversary. I just wish I could get pregnant again. It's been almost 4 years since I got pregnant with Maddie. I wish I could be normal again. I want a child of my own that man can take away. I want to be able to take my child to the doctor and not have to explain that this child is not legally mine. I want to make decisions for my child without have to have a court order. I want to be a normal mother again.

I want the tears to stop welling up in my eyes as I type this. I want my husband to understand my pain. I want him to stop calling me cranky. I'm not simply "cranky". I'm not a baby nor an old woman. I'm angry, frustrated, brokenhearted, disappointed, run over, suffering, and so much more that I can't put into words. I need to be happy again.

A friend of mine posted this on her blog a while back, and it just feels right for me to share it again:

"A Pair of Shoes"
author unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Updates

We've been so busy and constantly running lately. It upsets me that we never got around to visiting Maddie's grave last month at all. I always said that I would go out there at least once a month because I was not going to be the parent that gets so busy in their life to neglect their angel. I will not miss another month.

Fuzzy stood up on his own today without using anything to help him! I think that he will start walking soon. It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year since he came to live with us. We've stopped trying to potty train L until she's willing and able to communicate with us consistently. She's still trying to pretend that she doesn't know how to feed herself correctly, but we know that she does because she does it at daycare and for other people like my mom. She's been saying more words on some days while other days she won't say much. I'm so glad that the speech therapy has started, and I can't wait until she's really talking with us like a normal 2 year old. She's a nice kid, but damn she can drive me crazy sometimes. But things have gotten much better over the past few weeks which is good.

I've started singing with my church's praise band, and it's been fun. I haven't sang with a group since high school. I've been practicing and I need to practice a lot more. I like to bring my "A" game to the table. We're working on a CD which took up a big chunk of my Saturday. We go back in the studio in 2 weeks to record my background vocals. So there will be a lot of singing going on in my house and car for the next couple of weeks.

I finally found out about my job, and I'm ok with the decision. I'm hoping that as everything gets lined out in the next few weeks that my job will be a lot less hectic and more structured.

Today was not a good day. I don't know why I'm always in a bad situation at work. I try to keep a low profile and just do a good job, but there is always something that happens to screw that all to hell. I can't say what happened, but my ass is in the crapper right now. Ughhhhh. It's not like I purposely did this, but people that I thought were adults overheard me tell another co-worker something that I didn't know was confidential and felt the need to spread it like the latest celebrity BS. Thanks a lot you nosy azz people!

One good note is that the kids liked my chicken and dumplings. They both were smiling and saying Mmmmmmm while they were eating. I'm glad that I'm actually getting L to eat some normal food instead of only eating spaghettios and Vienna sausage.

We've been running and running the past few weeks, and I'm looking for things to slow down at some point. The kids are doing fine. L is starting to act out more and more, and push us. She pushes Rob a lot more than me. Her speech therapy is going well. Some days she talks , and you can understand some of the things she says. While others she just babbles and points. Things are looking more and more like she will be with us for quite a while. They've almost exhausted all of their options of relatives that have come forward as possible placements. They're down to 2 that they are doing home studies on.

I still don't know anything about my job at this time. So I'm just working and hoping for the best. I'm putting it all in God's hands because worrying isn't going to get me anywhere.

I went shopping with Fuzzy and my mother-in-law, Kathey, yesterday since there were some awesome sales going on. We were having a tax free weekend too which just made things even better. I hit up my favorite seasonal upscale consignment shop, and got the kids a ton of fall/winter clothes. I also got a travel booster chair and some walking wings for Fuzzy for a total of $10! Then we went by the mall (which was freaking packed like it was Christmas). My back hurts because I forgot to pack the stroller so I had to carry Fuzzy most of the day. That little boy gets heavy fast.

In the middle of this, I was able to get in to my salon to get a trim. I hadn't had my hair cut in 4 months and desperately needed it. But I hated the way my hair looked when I was done because my stylists will get a little too "high fashion = big freaking wild hair" on you. Also my hair was really dry. My hair has gotten used to sulfate free shampoo. So when I finally made it home from shopping, (I can't believe I went all over town looking like an effing picked chicken) I gave myself a deep conditioning rinse with heat treatment which helped a ton. But all in all I'm satisfied with my salon visit because I got a good hair cut. Transitioning my hair from relaxed to natural has been an interesting journey. I've learned a lot about my hair, and I know I've got a lot more to learn as time goes on. But I'm lucky I found a great line of products fairly early on that have been a huge help for me.

Before
After
Well, it's past my bedtime so I'll be going for now.

Dear Evil Witch,

I would prefer it if you made your arrival either early or on time. When you are several days late, I can't help but get a faint glimmer of hope. I start to think that maybe this month we will get our blessing. I try to ignore the calendar when you're a day or two late since you're usually very early or perfectly on time. But when you're several days late, it pisses me off because I know that you will be here soon. I try to be a rational infertile and chalk up every "symptom" as PMS, but those pregnant fantasies still creep into my mind. I know, I know...I should know better by now. But please help a sister out and bring your ass on if you're coming to visit this cycle!

Sincerely,

Ashley aka The Temperamental Mama