Guess who?

Guess who got lost or bogged down with life again? My husband mentioned that I hadn't posted in a while, and I realized that every time I planned to post something came up. So now I'm just stopping and taking a quick break to post. So what's happened since my last update? We celebrated Madison's 7th Angelversary or Angel Day. We wanted to do a random act of kindness in her memory so we went shopping for supplies that families staying at our local Ronald McDonald house would need. We took them 2 big baskets full of toothpaste, tooth brushes, shampoo, soap, paper plates and plastic utensils, stationary, envelopes, tape, etc. We had a nice visit and learned more about the house while we were there. It felt good to help someone in Madison's memory.

We also now have a date that we will finalize our adoption! On July 23 we will be able to walk away from this whole foster parent thing and just be a family with no strings attached. We were hoping to get things finalized before Fuzzy turned 5, but we will miss that date by 4 days. So this year we will celebrate his birthday on July 23!

Fuzzy finished his 1st year of school, and will be going to kindergarten in August. This summer we are trying hard to get his medical issues dealt with while he's out of school. He was diagnosed with ADHD this spring, and we were trying to get the right mix of medications so he will be able to calm down and focus better this year. Pre-K was a lot more lenient than kindergarten will be, and I want him to have a level playing field if at all possible. We're also dealing with some aggression issues with him that we have to get under control.

Miss Bella is doing great. We're in the process of getting her potty trained so she can attend a Pre-K3 program in September. But she is stubborn!!!!! In my opinion if you can tell me to clean up your poopy pants then you can get your butt on the potty to poop in it! She will pee all day in the potty, but nothing else. I'm trying to not let her know that she is stressing me the hell out!!!!

Let's see the latest with me is that I got off track and just plain lazy the last month, and haven't lost much. But I have my eating mojo back and I'm back on the healthy, clean eating bandwagon. Hopefully I will get my exercise groove back soon too.

Robert is still the same D&D playing, video game, computer nerd he's always been. :)

I hope to update again this month, but I will make sure that I do update once the adoption is done for sure!

Still Waiting

It's been almost 5 months since Fuzzy's bio mother had her rights terminated, and he was freed for us to adopt him. We've had a bunch of mistakes and people dropping the ball to get this adoption done, but I'm trying to stay positive. Hell after almost 5 years why not? I'm praying that we will get a date this month or at the latest next month. I want him to be official before his birthday in July. I want to officially close this chapter, and put so much of it behind us all. I want to share his cute face and smile and his name with everyone! I'm ready to be just his mom not his foster mom. So keep praying and keep your fingers crossed that we can get this done asap!

Day 4

Woohoo I'm still keeping up with posting!

My favorite childhood memory I think is one Christmas when we did all sorts of fun things. I got to pick out my own dessert to make for Christmas dinner. I had never been allowed full control of something so "important". I picked a brownie triple chocolate trifle. It was rich, ooey, gooey, and yummy. I still had a little belief in Santa. Basically I wanted to err on the side of caution just in case he was real lol. We watched the nightly news that had the "Santa Tracker", and made sure to be in bed before Santa was in our town. There wasn't anything under the tree before we went to bed, but woke up to a wonderful assortment of toys. My mom slipped into my room while I was sleeping, and put a bag of fruit and candies at the foot of my bed. There were so many little things that meshed together to form a wonderful Christmas that I will always remember.

Day 3

What makes me happy?

There's a lot that makes me happy. Off the top of my head there are my kids, Robert, McDonald's chicken nuggets, ice cream, massages, pedicures, music, my recliner, and sleep. I'm usually happy after I work out. Days off with just my hubby bring me joy and happiness. Unsolicited hugs and kisses from my babies always make me smile. Bella has gotten into knock knock jokes, and can actually make me laugh. Paid vacations from work make me happy too! I'm happy that we should finalize our adoption next month :)

Challenge Day 2

Today's challenge is My Favorite Quote. I'm not sure I have one quote that comes to mind as my favorite. I have quotes I like at different times depending on my mood. I think the one I will pick today is:

"You don't have to love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear."
- Oscar Wilde

This is one quote that I feel like really fits Robert and I. We don't "match" each other at all. He loves jeans, t-shirts, and old army surplus vests. You wouldn't catch me dead in something like that. He loves big, old Dodge kidnapper vans. I love all sorts of new cars. I call Rob a Scottish Dwarf Hobbit. I'm a 5'9 hot chocolate diva. But despite it all he completes me. He's the one that was put on this earth for me :)

My Weight Loss

I guess it's better late than never. I was asked a while ago to blog about how I've lost my weight so far. I am down 68 pounds so far, and I have about 80 more pounds to go to hit my goal weight. I started getting serious in July 2012. I tried weight watchers because it had worked for me in the past, but for some reason it didn't work for me this time. I think it's because I was more focused on the points and less on the whole nutrition/exercise picture. So in August I started using My Fitness Pal to track my food. I started eating "cleaner" by getting rid of my dependence on easy foods which was normally processed foods. I went back to cooking as much as I could. I also started a Veggie of the Week. I would buy a new veggie each week and we would come up with a healthy way to cook it.

The tracking of my food really made me take notice of what I was eating. I started to choose things based on more than just calories and fat. I started to pay more attention to my food as a whole.

I also started using my elliptical that I purchased several months before on a regular basis in addition to doing some workout DVDs to keep my interest. I get bored easily so lots of options help me stay on the bandwagon. Also in August I started taking ACE (stands for Appetite Control and Energy). It's an all natural weight loss pill that I ran by my doctor to get his ok on. It helped me get over my cravings for sweets and starches. Plus it gives me that extra boost I need to come home from work, take care of home and the kids, and then put in a workout.

I drink a LOT of water. I usually get in about a gallon a day. Once I started drinking more water the weight started coming off consistently. Now I choose water over just about any drink, all the time. 

I started seeing the changes in my body and my clothes got bigger and bigger. I started to look forward to trying new healthy foods, and coming up with ways to make my favorite foods healthy. The biggest success for me was when my mom told me how proud she was of me. I've struggled for so long with my weight, and for my mom to stop and say that was HUGE!!!!!

Here's a picture of me Easter 2012 and one from Easter 2013. Down from a Size 24/26 to a Size 14/16 :)

30 Day Challenge: Day 1

I found a 30 day blogger challenge on Pinterest yesterday, and guess what I'm already behind LOL. But that's ok. I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to blog on a regular basis again. So here goes:

Day 1: Post a self portrait and 5 random facts about yourself.

This was last night after my walk/jog time outside with the kiddos.

Random Facts:

1. I had a dream I was dating Robert and I was finally happy. I hadn't really had a conversation with him in years when I had this dream. But I decided to act on it anyway. So I got dressed up one night and showed up at the convenience store he was working the graveyard shift at. And we've been together ever since :)

2. Arabella is named after my favorite and most dear to me Dungeons and Dragons character. I looked up the meaning of her name while I was pregnant and knew it was meant to be. Arabella means "Answered Prayer".

3. I pick up songs really easily. It's perfectly normal for me to sing along with the animes we watch in Japanese.

4. My middle name before I got married was Frededrian (try to pronouncing that one). And yes my daddy's name is Freddie. I still thank God my mom didn't make that my 1st name.

5. I collect fairies and turtles. Love them!!!

Catching Up

I just noticed that I had a comment on a earlier post this year wanting me to blog about how I am losing weight. I will hopefully get that up in the next couple of days :)

Finally

We went to court this past Friday for a TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) hearing, and we were successful this time. Fuzzy has been freed for adoption after 4 long years in the foster care system, and no progress on his mother's part. The judge also terminated her rights on his younger sibling who is 16 months old. When I finally heard the words come out of the judge's mouth, I cried and cried. It was what I had dreamed of hearing for years now. We are finally moving forward. We can finally give Fuzzy a forever home with us. I'm not exactly sure how much longer we will have to wait for the adoption, but thankfully we have a friend that is willing to be our attorney for this process. This will speed things up for us :)

I am still happier than I can put into words. It is like my heart is finally free. I can't wait until I can post a picture of my little man and shout to everyone his new name!!!!

New Again

Where have I been? Why did I disappear? Not really sure why. I've been busy with life and the kids and all that jazz, but I know I could have taken a few minutes out and spilled my guts. But I guess I didn't really want to. I felt like there wasn't much changing or happening out of the ordinary so I didn't stop to say anything. Sometimes I just didn't feel like talking about what was going on in my head or around me. Now it's a new year, and I'm back. I hope to stay around, but I won't make any promises. Here's the last half of 2012 in as few words as possible:

1. Fuzzy turned 4 and started Pre-K. He loves being in school and being a "big kid".
2. We moved Bella to a new babysitter, and she is doing great. No more fighting to make sure her food allergies are taken into account so no more mystery rashes.
3. We went to court several times, and will have a termination of parental rights hearing Jan. 18. We're praying this will end it all and move us to adoption.
4. The kids had a huge, awesome Christmas. Tons and tons of toys and gifts.

5. I'm doing pretty good on my weight loss goals. I'm down 59 pounds so far.

 So now it's 2013, and I am fired up over everything that I have planned. I made my list of goals for the year on New Year's Eve. I'm posting them here to make them "legit" lol.

Goals for 2013:

1. Get to my goal weight.

2. Continue paying down and off debt.

3. Do at least 1 more half-marathon.

4. Teach myself to use my sewing machine.

5. Construct a major cosplay outfit for an anime convention.

6. Continue attending a Sunday School class.

7. Take the kids out at least once a month for an outing just for them.

8. Have more me activities like mani/pedis and massages.

9. Not have to renew or foster license ever again.

10. Try at least 1 new recipe each week.

11. Have a Date Night/Couple Time at least 2 times a month.

 

Happy New Year everyone and hopefully I will be here more often :)

Neglected

I have been gone far too long. I have said over and over that I will write tonight or tomorrow, and it's been months. I had to make myself just stop what I was doing (watching TV on my lunch) and just write. Let's see what has changed since I last wrote:

Fuzzy turned 4 years old back in July. He had his Avengers themed party with a bunch of friends at Chuck E Cheese.

We went back to court and finally the judge has changed the goal from reunification to adoption. Now we wait for our next hearing to hopefully finally terminate his birth mother's rights. That will be an amazingly happy day for us and a lot of people. It's hard to get too hopeful, but I feel like we are finally seeing some light that may be the end of this tunnel we have been in for far too long.

Fuzzy has started Pre-K, and loves it. He's learning so much, and it's awesome to watch. His teacher refers to him as her little ball of loving energy. Yep, he's hyper as all get out.

Arabella turned 2 on September 1. We had a huge Dora themed luau for her. It was a lot of fun especially when the sno-cone truck showed up. Everyone loved making their own treats.My brother and his family were able to come into town for the party and it was great getting to spend some time with them.

I personally have been working on losing weight and getting healthier. I am down 40 pounds since Easter!!! I'm eating so much better and exercising consistently. I really feel like I have finally turned a corner and I can do anything I set my mind too.

I will try to do better and update more often as things change and as Fuzzy's case progresses. I can't wait to actually call him by his actual name!

My Song

I've blogged about music a couple of times before, but this time is different. I've been perplexed for a couple of months about a song. Everyday no matter what I do I hear the same song at some point during the day. Days when I don't listen to music much, I will get in the car to run a quick errand and this song will come on. This song has a very deep importance to me. It's the song that I heard the night, God took hold of my heart and pulled me away from my destructive path. Many people have no clue of the deep, angry, dark depression I sunk into after Madison died. I did things that to this day make me tear up thinking about. I hated God. He had abandoned me and my daughter when we needed him most. I begged to die. I seriously contemplated taking my own life. I hurt my mother by refusing to listen to anything she said about God and throwing the bible she brought me. I was trying to dull the hurt and anger in any way I could which included a lot of alcohol.

But one late night on my way home from the liquor store, this particular song came on the radio. And it's hard to put into words the exact feeling, but I knew it was God touching my heart. It was so powerful and so real that all I could was cry and ask for forgiveness. I realized that I was one that had left. God had never left me the whole time. I just didn't want to hear his voice.

And now this song is making itself a part of my daily life all of a sudden. A friend told me to pray and ask for God to reveal to his message and to give me the strength to handle whatever storm will come my way. I can't help but wonder if this is all to prepare me for court next week. We will meet the new judge and no one has any clue what could happen with this case. But no matter what I know that I will not fall or have to go through anything alone. God has never left me. He was there when I lost my sister, Sherina. He was there when we lost Madison, and He will be there next week when we walk back into the unknown.

Drug of Choice

I was listening to the radio on the way back to work from lunch today, and caught part of a daily devotion. They were talking about how food is some people's drug of choice just like cocaine or heroin. The words drug of choice rang in my ears over and over. Drug of choice....drug of choice.... I've known for years that food is my drug of choice.

I've fought it for more than half my life. But I always go back to it when I'm depressed, happy, angry, anxious, or bored. And it's always there waiting for me like an addict and their favorite dealer. There is no need for me to hide in the shadows because my drug is an acceptable one in the eyes of society. It's everywhere from my office to church. We all know church is somewhere to find some really good food. Food and fellowship go hand in hand.

I spend so much time planning and trying to always give my kids healthy foods especially Bella. I fear that since she shares my genes that one day she may have to battle her weight. That fear brings tears to my eyes. I don't want her to ever have to be the little girl that's promised a new wardrobe of anything she wants if she will just lose 50 pounds over the summer. I don't want her to give up anything she loves because she's tired of being the fluffy one in the group. I need to beat my addiction so that food never becomes her drug of choice. But how?

This brings me to thinking about what I will give up for Lent. Originally I was considering giving up fast food, but with our busy lives that may be impossible. Fast food is not my problem. It's what I choose when I go there. So instead of giving up fast food, I am giving up fried foods. So starting tomorrow, if it's not grilled, steamed, sauteed, raw, or baked I will not consume it. No McDonald's nuggets (oh how I love them) and no deep fried golden sticks of wondrous french fries.

I'm praying that taking this time to actively focus on removing this from my life and giving this struggle over to God will move me in the right direction overall.

A friend mentioned to me that they add something to their lives instead of giving up something during Lent. I like that idea so I will be adding back my morning prayer time before everyone wakes up and we get wrapped up in the day ahead. Some one on one time with my Father sounds like a good thing.

2011

With about 7 hours left in 2011, I am sitting in my recliner holding one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. My Bella is napping before heading to Nana's house for the night. I'm excited because it's been a few years since Rob and I have gone out for New Year's eve. It's hard to keep a marriage strong if you don't take time to nurture it. I am looking forward to 2012 and the chance to start anew. I've got a lot of big plans on the horizon and with God's help they will come to fruition. We're praying that 2012 will bring a close to Fuzzy's case and allow me to introduce him on here as my son.

So everyone be safe and see you next year!

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Hiding

It's been way too long since I've posted. I really should write more often to just release everything that's going on in my head and in my heart, but I end up burying things away under piles of work. It's easier to hide rather than face things. I spend most of my time away from work doing other things like cleaning, organizing, selling, basically anything that will keep me busy. Busy equals no time to think. I feel like my life is in a constant state of uncertainty. I've let myself go. I don't remember the last time I exercised or even really cared about what I eat. I cringe at the sight of myself in pictures. I need to get things back under control. I need to get myself on a real schedule and stop just flying like a leaf in the wind.

A few years ago I gave up on making resolutions and changed to setting goals for myself for the coming year. I think if I write them out here they will become more real to me. Some of my goals for 2012 are:

1. I will lose 20% of my body weight in 2012.
2. I will take time for me.
3. I will set-up automatic drafts into our vacation and Christmas savings accounts.
4. I will make time for a date at least once a month with my husband.
5. I will walk a mile or do some form of exercise at least 3 times a week.
6. Pay off more debt.
7. Take the kids outside to play more often.
8. Blog more
9. I will read at least 10 grown-up books in 2012.
10. I will participate in a group bible study.

Ok. It's out there, and now I will use my blog to keep track and keep myself motivated. Well, if I don't make it back here this weekend I wish everyone a happy and blessed new year. The best is yet to come!

Halloween 2011

We're alive and well for the most part. We took the kids to our church's Trick R Trunk. Fuzzy had a blast. Bella not so much. We found out that both of her ears are infected. I will hopefully get a change to really blog again soon. :)

Trippen

I'm going on my first business trip ever this week. My department is heading to Denver for a few days. I hope Rob and the kids will make it ok without me. I'm sad to leave my family, but excited to see a new city. Gotta make sure to take my computer so I can veg out on netflix in the evenings after being in meetings all day. Might as well take full advantage of my time away.

Guilt

I've really got to get better about updating my blog. It's not like I don't have anything to say. I have all loads of stuff I want to get off my chest, but I let life take me in other directions. I let my guilt of not being at home with Bella keep me off my computer most days except for Saturday night when I have to do my church overheads. I guess I expected it to get easier to as time went on, but it doesn't.

Friday she fell at daycare and bust her lip on the hard floor. It made me so sad to see her face messed up like that. I just kept thinking that if she had been at home that might not have happened. I still pray all the time that somehow we will come into some money so I can quit my job, and be her sole care provider. I worked so hard to get her here, and I have to drop her off with other people 5 days out of the week. I know that there are pros and cons to daycare, but dammit I don't care. She's my rainbow baby. She's brought joy to my life that I never knew I could have.

Yes, some of you are wondering why I didn't have the joy or the guilt that I have with Bella with Fuzzy. It's hard to admit, but even after 3 years I'm still guarded. He is my son, but that some stupid judge can change that in a matter of minutes. This judge doesn't see me as any more than a long term babysitter. To the courts, his mother is the person that would be proud if he joined a gang, sold drugs, and spent his life locked up. I mean nothing. But when it comes to Bella I am her one and only Mother. There is no one "above" me.

I hate that I feel this way. I am ashamed that I feel this way, but it's hard to remain a starry eyed optimist after all this time. It hasn't been as long as some kids are in the system. But damn everyone sees that this should have been over a long time ago. Our lives should be allowed some sort of normalcy.

Arabella is 1!

Arabella turned 1 last Thursday on September 1. She had a small party at her daycare. Then we took her and her big brother out for frozen yogurt and some time in the park that evening. Bella had her 1st taste of cake that day, and she loved it! We had a 2nd party that Saturday with friends and family. It was a ton of work, but it was worth it in the end. Somethings didn't work out as planned which pissed me off to no end, but I have to put that behind me. We baked and cooked and cooked. I planned and planned and shopped and shopped. I even decorated cookies which is so unlike me. I did what I set out to do which was give my daughter a nice party in celebration of her first year of life.

Next year's party will be something simple that I don't have to do anything but send out invitations and pay for it. LOL!

In the midst of all this partying, Robert and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary with a nice quiet dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. :)

Preparing

I’ve been busy planning Arabella’s first birthday party. I can’t believe that she will be 1 in less than 2 weeks. This year has flown by. It seems like I blinked and my little newborn was crawling around then all of a sudden she was standing. Then she just took off walking within a few days of standing on her own. Now she’s trying to run...wow. Sometimes I wish she would slow down and let me catch my breath.

This party is a departure from my norm of picking a “box theme” that I like and getting all the matching accessories. I wanted something unique for her. There is really only one theme that fits Bella perfectly and that’s princess. So I have been searching and designing everything I can think of for this event. It’s been fun stepping outside the box and being more domestic and crafty. I’ve actually been making things instead of just buying them online. Rob and I spent a couple of nights baking, making frosting, and decorating cakes and cupcakes. It looks so much easier than it is lol. Fuzzy has enjoyed eating my test cake. This weekend will be full of painting and constructing decorations. Plus I have to get the invitations printed and mailed off this weekend. We will be worn out by the time this is all over, but it will be so worth it.