Happy Birthday Princess

Today is our beautiful, firstborn daughter, Madison's 5th birthday. Today we celebrated her life, and what she means to us. Robert and I both took the day off to do things that we would have done with her. We went to see a cartoon movie, Hoodwinked Too. It was amusing. We ate a nice lunch then took balloons and flowers out to her grave. This evening we had snow cones and birthday cake. Bella even had her first taste of snow cone today in her big sister's honor :) It's been a pretty nice day.

It's still hard not to miss her, and think of what she would be doing now. We talked about how different our lives would be now if she was still here with us :( But everything that has happened, has happened for a reason. We will be together again one day.

We love you so much Madison! Happy Birthday!

Storms

Tuesday night scared the bee-gee-beez out of me. The wind started blowing and then it starting storming which wasn't that bad. But about 10 that night the hail started. Thank God that we have a carport now. Then I started hearing reports of tornadoes within miles of us coming our direction. We usually get tornado watches, but not warnings, and rarely actual ones that form near us. Both kids slept through the whole thing. I think Bella's time in the NICU has made her used to noises when when she sleeps. I ended up staying up much later than I normally do, and every sound I heard I was ready to run and grab the kids to hide in the bathroom. We only lost power for a few minutes which was great. The next morning we realized that a 12 foot section of our pine tree was ripped off and sent into our neighbor's driveway. I'm glad it didn't hit her car or house. So Rob spent part of his morning before he went to work hacking away at a tree so he could remove it from her property. I can't imagine living somewhere like Oklahoma where this happens all the time. I would be a nervous wreck. I know things could have been a lot worse, and I thank God that they were not. Everyone that has been affected by the storms are in my prayers.

Thankful

This morning as I was driving to work after dropping the kids off at daycare the DJ told a story about why one of the listeners requested that song to be played. The song was "Streets of Gold" by Needtobreathe. The listener wanted it because it reminds her of her 23 year old daughter that passed away last year suddenly. Her daughter was 35 weeks pregnant and started having difficulty breathing. They diagnosed her with primary pulmonary hypertension, and she was in heart failure. Her daughter had the baby by emergency c-section, and 18 hours later. She never saw her son, and left another young child without a mother.

I sobbed as I thanked God for allowing me to still be here. I know that my pregnancies could have ended a lot worse. I've read and I've been told by several doctors that I should have brain damage or worse after what happened when I was pregnant with my Maddie. I have no clear memories of that day. The stroke that happened that day at some point in between the seizures only left minimal damage. Thank God that my husband knew the sound and sign of a seizure over the phone, and raced home to save us. But after all that God kept me healthy enough to carry another baby to term without the need for any emergency intervention!

Five years after the fact I finally accept that Madison was never supposed to be with us on earth for any longer than she was. She was meant to be a perfect, untouched by the sins of this world angel. She was meant for so much more than we could realize back then. I still and always will dream of the day that I will see my eldest daughter again as beautiful and real as her little sister is to me today.

Nothing

It's been 3 weeks since we went to court, and we still haven't heard anything yet. I don't know why these weeks have bothered me so much when we've been waiting almost 3 years. I feel like we can't make any real plans for the future until this is resolved. We were talking about getting me a bigger car, but that can't happen until we know he's staying with us. The other parents are looking at pre-k 3 programs for their kids for the fall. I find myself not buying things for him that will take a few weeks to be delivered. I hope that a resolution comes soon.

Court

We won't know anything on Fuzzy's case for another 2 weeks probably. Sat in court for several hours until they told us to leave because Fuzzy was getting really aggravated being locked in a waiting room that long. They were so behind they didn't call our case until 5:30 that evening. After all that the judge still didn't make a decision. I am beyond pissed off at this point. We need a resolution.

Fuzzy was attached to his BM the whole time again. He didn't want to come home with us and was mad when we took him away from her. I really wish I knew what was going through his head sometimes. I don't know what changed in the last couple of months that made him love being with her when he has hated being around her for the past 2 years.

Denial

I've been telling myself that whatever happens tomorrow in court is God's will, and that I will be fine either way. Yeah, I've been lying to myself. I don't know what I would do without Fuzzy. We've been together too long to just let him go now. We're his parents, but we are completely helpless in this situation. I hate this...

You're a what...?

I just read an article where a woman was proud of her decision to be "part-time mother". WTF is that? How can a seemingly educated adult make the decision to have children, and then when it's not all roses and sunshine decide that it's too much. We all know where babies come from, and how to prevent them so why not get your tubes tied if you don't want kids? Or choose a long term birth control like an IUD?

I am exhausted most days with my 2 kids, but they are mine. I will never look back years from now, and realize that I didn't give them my all. I think that "part-time" mother is no mother at all. Maybe she should call herself a nanny or childcare provider.

So what if I can't travel the world at the drop of a hat. I knew that I was giving up somethings in life to become a mother. I am here to make my kids' lives better, and by being with me my kids have made my life better.

Busy Bee

I keep saying that I will do better. I will treat my old friend, my refuge, my soapbox better. I will visit more often. But literally life keeps making me push you aside. After working all day, I try to come home and be a good mother and wife which leaves little to no time for my blog. It still bothers me that I have Bella in daycare, and not home with me so when I’m home I just want to give her as much of me as I can. I’m still partially breastfeeding, and it’s been a struggle. My medications for my blood pressure make my milk production low. I’ve tried every supplement and technique I’ve come across. It’s frustrating to say the least, but I keep going for Bella. I’ve longed for a living child of my own for so long that I will do everything in my power to give her the best.

She’s 6 months old now, and I still can’t believe it. It really does seem like yesterday I was organizing her room waiting for her arrival. Now she’s trying to crawl. She’s such a loving child. One of her favorite ways to relax is to lay in my arms with her hand stroking my face. She does the same thing with her Daddy just with his beard. She looks so much like Robert it’s funny. But she’s got my attitude and facial expressions.

Fuzzy has become a much better big brother. He’s always trying to bring her toys to her, and when she cries he’s calling for mama and daddy or telling her it’s ok. She loves to watch him run around and play.

Well, time to get back to other things, but I promise I'll be back later.

Miss Bella

31

Today I turned 31 years old...wow. It's been a rather low-key birthday. I worked all day, and just went to lunch with a couple of friends from work. In our new parent/teething baby stupor, Robert forgot it was my birthday until mid-morning. I had lots of friends on face*book send me happy birthday wishes which was great. I'm hoping to get a chance to have a date night this weekend, but we will see if we can find a babysitter. If not that's ok because I already have the greatest gift I could hope to have, and that's my healthy daughter. Arabella is the perfect everyday gift.

A lot has changed in the past year. This time last year, I was early in my pregnancy and still not sure how things would turn out. And now I'm a mother of a 4 almost 5 month old. Wow. All I can really say is thank God for another year.

Still Waiting

We went to court on Tuesday only to find out that the judge wasn't there. There was another judge filling in for her, but he refused to make a TPR ruling on a case that he had not been involved with. So now we have to wait until March to hopefully get termination granted. This hearing was stressful because Fuzzy was very clingy and didn't want to have anything to do with anyone but us. He met his bio father for the first time, and that didn't go well either. His worker said he just cried for us the whole 10 minutes he was there.

I'm updating about our delay with a heavy heart for my friend Angie. They went to court today, and their foster daughter is being sent home soon. I know all too well that pain, and I wish that they didn't have to go through that. I just don't understand why "in the best interest of the child" is just words and not actions.

Still Here

It's been a while, but time seems to fly by now. Christmas has come and gone. Now we're preparing to go to court on Tuesday for TPR. I'm starting to get nervous, but we knew this day was coming. I know nothing is certain until we sign the papers and a judge declares him ours.

Christmas was busy, but nice. Both kids got lots of wonderful gifts, and we were blessed to spend the holiday with both of them. It's hard to believe that this time last year I had given up having a baby until we could save up enough for more fertility treatments. And just a year later we have a beautiful 4 month old daughter that is ours with no strings attached. I thank God everyday for her.Bella has been sick with RSV for the past week or so. She's much better now, but still on lots of breathing treatments. We're glad that we caught it early enough that she didn't have to be hospitalized.

Tomorrow will most likely be a snow/ice day here. We've been having ice/sleet/snow all day long today, and the temperature has been dropping. They are predicting it to get worse overnight. The local schools are closed so my daycare will be closed too. So mama will be home tomorrow with the kids. Praying that Rob's office is closed too so I won't be alone all day. Fuzzy is quite the handful.

Here are some pictures of the kids over the holidays.

November Pictures

My dad and Robert at Bella's Baptism

Bella dressed for her baptism

Bella- 11 weeks

Fuzzy and his favorite "people"

Neglect

I feel bad that I have neglected the haven that has given my mind a place to break free and my heart a place to pour out. I have tried several times to update, but something comes up everytime. I'm typing francticly while Fuzzy watches a Madagascar Christmas special and Bella snoozes in the swing. So what have I been up...lots of motherhooding. Lol!

Bella's baptism was this past weekend, and it went very well. I hosted family and friends for lunch at our house afterward, and thankfully everyone enjoyed themselves. She's getting bigger everyday, and doing more and more. It still doesn't feel like she will be 3 months old next week.

Fuzzy is still working on his jealousy issues and acting out, but we're surviving. He's no longer keeping me up all night. He went through a phase when he would fight us for hours before he went to sleep, and then he would wake up and scream for hours around 3 in the morning. We will go back to court for TPR in January so at least we can focus on the holidays as a family, and deal with that next year.

I just had to come here before Thanksgiving to let everyone that's read my blog over the past years know that I am thankful for you. I appreciate all the prayers, positive thoughts, and well wishes that have been extended to me. Love y'all!

Halloween

I know I've been away for a long time. But life with 2 kids has been more time consuming than I expected. Everyone is very needy plus I'm back at work fulltime. We took the kids to our church's Trick R Trunk on Sunday, and we're both still exhausted. No new news on Fuzzy's case. We're hoping to go back to court before the end of the year. Bella is doing better. She just started on a hypoallerginic formula, and we're hoping this will clear up her tummy issues. She's growing great though. She's up to 11 pounds at 2 months :)

October 15

This day is a day to make certain that we remember all the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends that have lost a precious little one far too soon. This day is for everyone that has lost a child at any stage of life. Life is life no matter what. I have so many friends that I have met over the years that have lost babies. We have a bond and understanding of loss that no one wishes upon someone else. Tonight I lit Madison's memorial candle and watched the flame glow as brightly and as warmly as my undying love for her. It doesn't matter how long it's been since she went away, she will always be remembered and always be loved.

A Princess' Arrival

Sorry this has taken me so long to post:

I went in on Sept. 1 for a scheduled c-section. We were beyond thrilled to have made it to 37 weeks and not have to endure another emergency c-section. I checked in the hospital at 10 AM to get prepped for surgery. Our church pastor dropped by around 11:30 to wish us well and pray with us which was a welcome surprise. Around noon my doc showed up, and it was time to go to the operating room. I was rather nervous about the spinal anesthesia because I had a fear of someone poking me in the back with a big needle. But thankfully that went quickly and hardly hurt at all. It was freaky when the medicine kicked in since I couldn't feel anything from my chest down. The surgery went as expected except for the ton of fibroids that my doctor found and removed.

Arabella Grace came out kicking and screaming loud enough to be heard down the hall at 1:10 PM. She was 7 pounds 14 ounces, and stole our hearts the moment we saw her. We both cried.

While I was in recovery, the doctors heard a heart murmur while they were working on her to get the left over fluid out of her lungs so she was moved to the NICU. This was really hard on me because I was terrified that some doctor would walk in and say that she gone. Plus since I had a catheter put in during the surgery I couldn't even go to the NICU until the next day to see her. Robert brought me pictures but it just wasn't the same. I needed to touch her to prove to my mind that she was still real, and that she would be ok.

Thank God that early the next morning the catheter was removed, and I was able to visit her. Once I was able to see and hold her, I was able to let go of a lot of my fears. Over the next week, her murmur went away, and all her tests came back fine. She did develop jaundice on day 3, but that went away after a day under the lights. The week she was in the NICU was tough with scheduled visit times, driving back and forth all day, and trying to take care of our son who couldn't go into the NICU. I'm glad that it was only a week that we had to do this.

We've been home for a week now, and we're still trying to find our groove. Breast feeding has been hard, but I'm still trying. At least my milk supply has increased since she's been home and been able to actually nurse instead of me pumping all day. We're supplementing formula also per her pediatrician since she was losing weight.

It's Time

Well, tomorrow we will be having our little princess so I figured it was now or never for me to post a final picture of myself pregnant. I'm 37 weeks and 2 days :)

Countdown

My OB scheduled my c-section for next Wednesday, Sept 1! We're so happy that we've made it this far into the pregnancy, and that our little girl will be full term! It's still sinking in that we will get to have a normal, non-emergency delivery. It feels so good. I thank God everyday for keeping us both safe and healthy. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers that we will have a beautiful, peaceful delivery next week. :)

School

I'm sitting here thinking about my Madison, and how I would be so proud of her today as she started school for the first time. It doesn't seem like 4 years have passed already. It still makes me cry just as easily as it did when we first lost her. I know she would be so excited to have a little sister, and to be mommy's helper. I just keep telling myself that it was never my will or within my power to keep her here with us. Our little girl was meant for bigger things.

Problems

Fuzzy and I have been having issues with each other on and off, but the last few weeks have been the worst. He doesn't really want to have anything to do with me. He only wants Robert. If I kiss him he wipes it off. He only hugs me if Rob makes him or I catch him, and it's not even much a of hug when he does it. I know part of it is because I am the stricter parent. I just fear that if I don't keep him within the rules now that it will just get worse and harder as he gets older. I refuse to let him go through a store messing up things or breaking stuff or sit in a restaurant and yell like he's on a playground. He's at the age where he talks back to us, and I don't stand for it. Rob gives him more leeway on that than I do. He runs to Rob for just about everything. And I try not to but I can't help but take it personal when Rob asks him if he loves mama, and he says no.