Court

We won't know anything on Fuzzy's case for another 2 weeks probably. Sat in court for several hours until they told us to leave because Fuzzy was getting really aggravated being locked in a waiting room that long. They were so behind they didn't call our case until 5:30 that evening. After all that the judge still didn't make a decision. I am beyond pissed off at this point. We need a resolution.

Fuzzy was attached to his BM the whole time again. He didn't want to come home with us and was mad when we took him away from her. I really wish I knew what was going through his head sometimes. I don't know what changed in the last couple of months that made him love being with her when he has hated being around her for the past 2 years.

Denial

I've been telling myself that whatever happens tomorrow in court is God's will, and that I will be fine either way. Yeah, I've been lying to myself. I don't know what I would do without Fuzzy. We've been together too long to just let him go now. We're his parents, but we are completely helpless in this situation. I hate this...

You're a what...?

I just read an article where a woman was proud of her decision to be "part-time mother". WTF is that? How can a seemingly educated adult make the decision to have children, and then when it's not all roses and sunshine decide that it's too much. We all know where babies come from, and how to prevent them so why not get your tubes tied if you don't want kids? Or choose a long term birth control like an IUD?

I am exhausted most days with my 2 kids, but they are mine. I will never look back years from now, and realize that I didn't give them my all. I think that "part-time" mother is no mother at all. Maybe she should call herself a nanny or childcare provider.

So what if I can't travel the world at the drop of a hat. I knew that I was giving up somethings in life to become a mother. I am here to make my kids' lives better, and by being with me my kids have made my life better.

Busy Bee

I keep saying that I will do better. I will treat my old friend, my refuge, my soapbox better. I will visit more often. But literally life keeps making me push you aside. After working all day, I try to come home and be a good mother and wife which leaves little to no time for my blog. It still bothers me that I have Bella in daycare, and not home with me so when I’m home I just want to give her as much of me as I can. I’m still partially breastfeeding, and it’s been a struggle. My medications for my blood pressure make my milk production low. I’ve tried every supplement and technique I’ve come across. It’s frustrating to say the least, but I keep going for Bella. I’ve longed for a living child of my own for so long that I will do everything in my power to give her the best.

She’s 6 months old now, and I still can’t believe it. It really does seem like yesterday I was organizing her room waiting for her arrival. Now she’s trying to crawl. She’s such a loving child. One of her favorite ways to relax is to lay in my arms with her hand stroking my face. She does the same thing with her Daddy just with his beard. She looks so much like Robert it’s funny. But she’s got my attitude and facial expressions.

Fuzzy has become a much better big brother. He’s always trying to bring her toys to her, and when she cries he’s calling for mama and daddy or telling her it’s ok. She loves to watch him run around and play.

Well, time to get back to other things, but I promise I'll be back later.

Miss Bella

31

Today I turned 31 years old...wow. It's been a rather low-key birthday. I worked all day, and just went to lunch with a couple of friends from work. In our new parent/teething baby stupor, Robert forgot it was my birthday until mid-morning. I had lots of friends on face*book send me happy birthday wishes which was great. I'm hoping to get a chance to have a date night this weekend, but we will see if we can find a babysitter. If not that's ok because I already have the greatest gift I could hope to have, and that's my healthy daughter. Arabella is the perfect everyday gift.

A lot has changed in the past year. This time last year, I was early in my pregnancy and still not sure how things would turn out. And now I'm a mother of a 4 almost 5 month old. Wow. All I can really say is thank God for another year.

Still Waiting

We went to court on Tuesday only to find out that the judge wasn't there. There was another judge filling in for her, but he refused to make a TPR ruling on a case that he had not been involved with. So now we have to wait until March to hopefully get termination granted. This hearing was stressful because Fuzzy was very clingy and didn't want to have anything to do with anyone but us. He met his bio father for the first time, and that didn't go well either. His worker said he just cried for us the whole 10 minutes he was there.

I'm updating about our delay with a heavy heart for my friend Angie. They went to court today, and their foster daughter is being sent home soon. I know all too well that pain, and I wish that they didn't have to go through that. I just don't understand why "in the best interest of the child" is just words and not actions.

Still Here

It's been a while, but time seems to fly by now. Christmas has come and gone. Now we're preparing to go to court on Tuesday for TPR. I'm starting to get nervous, but we knew this day was coming. I know nothing is certain until we sign the papers and a judge declares him ours.

Christmas was busy, but nice. Both kids got lots of wonderful gifts, and we were blessed to spend the holiday with both of them. It's hard to believe that this time last year I had given up having a baby until we could save up enough for more fertility treatments. And just a year later we have a beautiful 4 month old daughter that is ours with no strings attached. I thank God everyday for her.Bella has been sick with RSV for the past week or so. She's much better now, but still on lots of breathing treatments. We're glad that we caught it early enough that she didn't have to be hospitalized.

Tomorrow will most likely be a snow/ice day here. We've been having ice/sleet/snow all day long today, and the temperature has been dropping. They are predicting it to get worse overnight. The local schools are closed so my daycare will be closed too. So mama will be home tomorrow with the kids. Praying that Rob's office is closed too so I won't be alone all day. Fuzzy is quite the handful.

Here are some pictures of the kids over the holidays.

November Pictures

My dad and Robert at Bella's Baptism

Bella dressed for her baptism

Bella- 11 weeks

Fuzzy and his favorite "people"

Neglect

I feel bad that I have neglected the haven that has given my mind a place to break free and my heart a place to pour out. I have tried several times to update, but something comes up everytime. I'm typing francticly while Fuzzy watches a Madagascar Christmas special and Bella snoozes in the swing. So what have I been up...lots of motherhooding. Lol!

Bella's baptism was this past weekend, and it went very well. I hosted family and friends for lunch at our house afterward, and thankfully everyone enjoyed themselves. She's getting bigger everyday, and doing more and more. It still doesn't feel like she will be 3 months old next week.

Fuzzy is still working on his jealousy issues and acting out, but we're surviving. He's no longer keeping me up all night. He went through a phase when he would fight us for hours before he went to sleep, and then he would wake up and scream for hours around 3 in the morning. We will go back to court for TPR in January so at least we can focus on the holidays as a family, and deal with that next year.

I just had to come here before Thanksgiving to let everyone that's read my blog over the past years know that I am thankful for you. I appreciate all the prayers, positive thoughts, and well wishes that have been extended to me. Love y'all!

Halloween

I know I've been away for a long time. But life with 2 kids has been more time consuming than I expected. Everyone is very needy plus I'm back at work fulltime. We took the kids to our church's Trick R Trunk on Sunday, and we're both still exhausted. No new news on Fuzzy's case. We're hoping to go back to court before the end of the year. Bella is doing better. She just started on a hypoallerginic formula, and we're hoping this will clear up her tummy issues. She's growing great though. She's up to 11 pounds at 2 months :)

October 15

This day is a day to make certain that we remember all the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends that have lost a precious little one far too soon. This day is for everyone that has lost a child at any stage of life. Life is life no matter what. I have so many friends that I have met over the years that have lost babies. We have a bond and understanding of loss that no one wishes upon someone else. Tonight I lit Madison's memorial candle and watched the flame glow as brightly and as warmly as my undying love for her. It doesn't matter how long it's been since she went away, she will always be remembered and always be loved.

A Princess' Arrival

Sorry this has taken me so long to post:

I went in on Sept. 1 for a scheduled c-section. We were beyond thrilled to have made it to 37 weeks and not have to endure another emergency c-section. I checked in the hospital at 10 AM to get prepped for surgery. Our church pastor dropped by around 11:30 to wish us well and pray with us which was a welcome surprise. Around noon my doc showed up, and it was time to go to the operating room. I was rather nervous about the spinal anesthesia because I had a fear of someone poking me in the back with a big needle. But thankfully that went quickly and hardly hurt at all. It was freaky when the medicine kicked in since I couldn't feel anything from my chest down. The surgery went as expected except for the ton of fibroids that my doctor found and removed.

Arabella Grace came out kicking and screaming loud enough to be heard down the hall at 1:10 PM. She was 7 pounds 14 ounces, and stole our hearts the moment we saw her. We both cried.

While I was in recovery, the doctors heard a heart murmur while they were working on her to get the left over fluid out of her lungs so she was moved to the NICU. This was really hard on me because I was terrified that some doctor would walk in and say that she gone. Plus since I had a catheter put in during the surgery I couldn't even go to the NICU until the next day to see her. Robert brought me pictures but it just wasn't the same. I needed to touch her to prove to my mind that she was still real, and that she would be ok.

Thank God that early the next morning the catheter was removed, and I was able to visit her. Once I was able to see and hold her, I was able to let go of a lot of my fears. Over the next week, her murmur went away, and all her tests came back fine. She did develop jaundice on day 3, but that went away after a day under the lights. The week she was in the NICU was tough with scheduled visit times, driving back and forth all day, and trying to take care of our son who couldn't go into the NICU. I'm glad that it was only a week that we had to do this.

We've been home for a week now, and we're still trying to find our groove. Breast feeding has been hard, but I'm still trying. At least my milk supply has increased since she's been home and been able to actually nurse instead of me pumping all day. We're supplementing formula also per her pediatrician since she was losing weight.

It's Time

Well, tomorrow we will be having our little princess so I figured it was now or never for me to post a final picture of myself pregnant. I'm 37 weeks and 2 days :)

Countdown

My OB scheduled my c-section for next Wednesday, Sept 1! We're so happy that we've made it this far into the pregnancy, and that our little girl will be full term! It's still sinking in that we will get to have a normal, non-emergency delivery. It feels so good. I thank God everyday for keeping us both safe and healthy. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers that we will have a beautiful, peaceful delivery next week. :)

School

I'm sitting here thinking about my Madison, and how I would be so proud of her today as she started school for the first time. It doesn't seem like 4 years have passed already. It still makes me cry just as easily as it did when we first lost her. I know she would be so excited to have a little sister, and to be mommy's helper. I just keep telling myself that it was never my will or within my power to keep her here with us. Our little girl was meant for bigger things.

Problems

Fuzzy and I have been having issues with each other on and off, but the last few weeks have been the worst. He doesn't really want to have anything to do with me. He only wants Robert. If I kiss him he wipes it off. He only hugs me if Rob makes him or I catch him, and it's not even much a of hug when he does it. I know part of it is because I am the stricter parent. I just fear that if I don't keep him within the rules now that it will just get worse and harder as he gets older. I refuse to let him go through a store messing up things or breaking stuff or sit in a restaurant and yell like he's on a playground. He's at the age where he talks back to us, and I don't stand for it. Rob gives him more leeway on that than I do. He runs to Rob for just about everything. And I try not to but I can't help but take it personal when Rob asks him if he loves mama, and he says no.

Bed Rest

I figured by now I would have updated my blog, and actually started posting again on a regular basis. But nope because I've spent most of the last 2 weeks asleep. I went in on July 28 to see the fetal medicine specialist for my monthly appointment. Well, my blood pressure was 190/89 so that meant that I couldn't leave. My OB popped up about 15 minutes later, and told me that I was being admitted for testing and steroids for mature the baby's lungs in case she had to be delivered. I ended up staying for 2 days, and getting my meds increased. I'm now on bed rest until further notice. I missed the wonderful shower that my co-workers threw for me that just happened to be the same day I was locked up in the hospital. I did manage to get out in time to go to my last shower that was on the 31st. It was a beautiful shower, but I was exhausted by the time it was over. On Wednesday, I had a follow-up visit with my OB and my blood pressure was still up. So he put me on an additional medicine, and so far so good. My blood pressure has been great, but I have been battling the side effects of the new med. I have been so sleepy all the time. I take this med 3 times a day which makes the drowsiness even better. But it's for the best. The longer I can keep her safely inside of me the better. So I will be 34 weeks next week, and just hope and pray that I can at least get to 36 weeks.

Oh yeah during the ultrasound I had on July 28, she's estimated to be 6 plus pounds already!

32 weeks

I'm still chugging along. This will probably be my last week working until after the baby comes. My blood pressure is starting to stay elevated, and the swelling in my lower extemities is pretty bad. It's hard to walk around much without my legs hurting, and they hurt to touch them too. I

have an appointment with my perinatologist this Wednesday so we will see how much little princess has grown. I will see my OB on Friday to see if he's going to make me stay home. I begged another week out of him last Friday so I could get some loose ends tied up at work.

Fuzzy had a fun birthday party. He loved running and playing with all the gymnatsics stuff and the huge ball pit. He got several toys that's he's addicted to, and has driven everyone crazy with them so far.

My first shower went well. I had a good time with my friends from church, and I'm so happy and blessed that so many people are happy for us.

Here are some pics from Fuzzy's party and my shower last weekend.

My hostesses Friends

Happy Now Robert!

Robert told me it was way past time for me to post again. He's my blog stalker. I didn't even realize that it was the beginning of the month when I posted last. Sorry about that. It's weird because time seems to be going to slowly when I think about getting to my delivery time, but in other areas time is moving quickly. I have about 3 weeks left at work before I start my scheduled maternity leave. I'm hoping to have 2 weeks at home before little miss is born. My fetal specialists are saying that they don't see me making it any further than 36 weeks...ahhhh! But little miss is doing great. She's still in the 89% percentile for a baby several weeks older than her. My blood pressure has started to creep up on occasion, and my docs will only increase my current meds once before we will start looking at delivery. They want to avoid an emergency situation like last time at all costs. I would prefer that also because I want to be awake and alert for delivery this time. The thought of hearing her first cry brings tears to my eyes.

The nursery is coming along well. The painting is done, crib is assembled, rocker and ottoman are ready. The letters that spell out her name have been lovingly designed and painted by her daddy. I'm working on a few extra decorations for her room, and hope to get her closet put together in the next few days. We won't have much time to work on the nursery this weekend since this is Fuzzy's birthday weekend. His party will be Saturday. I went the lazy route for the party. I knew I wouldn't have the energy to host a party at home so we're going to a party center. They will entertain the kids and handle everything. I will get the joy of just taking pictures and enjoying the party!

The next day will be my first baby shower. I went from worrying about not having one because it seemed like everyone I encountered that was due with me or behind me already had showers planned for them. Then all of a sudden I have 3 showers! I feel very blessed that so many people want to celebrate this baby's birth.

I will post pictures of the nursery, Fuzzy's party, and my shower as soon as I can. And I will try to get better and stay on top of my blog instead of just posting little updates on Face*book.

Ultrasound

We're still moving full steam ahead with my pregnancy and preparing for little girl's arrival. I had my 28 week ultrasound today to check her development, my fluid level, and other things. Everything is looking wonderful. She was sleeping peacefully throughout most of the scan. We got some good 3D shots of her smiling with big chubby cheeks. Love, love, love. She's measuring 31 weeks all over, and her estimated weight is 3 pounds 8 ounces. Our next goal is to get to 32 weeks then on to 36! I've decided that unless something changes with my health that I will go on maternity leave starting Aug. 9. My very swollen legs and feet are counting down the days. I've been having a lot of pressure very low, but that's because baby girl is head down now. My cervix is looking good too. She's moving all the time, and taking my breath away with some of her jabs.

Right now Rob is painting the nursery. I can't wait for that part to be done so we can putting things together and getting up the decorations. I now have 3 baby showers scheduled. I didn't expect to have that many, but I'm so happy that so many people want to celebrate our little girl. I've been having fun stressing over my registries just trying to make sure that I have everything on there, and that the things I have on there are really what we want and need.

I've got 2 doctors appointments next week, one with my OB and one with the perinatologist. But at least I've got a nice long weekend to look forward to also :)