In the End

Today we got the worst news possible. Fuzzy is going to leave us on Tuesday. His case worker, her supervisor, and the district supervior met earlier this week and decided that he has been in care too long. And his Bm hasn't done anything to him yet that would let the state terminate her rights. The fact that she puts him in danger all the time doesn't matter. He has to actually be physically hurt. The system is broken, and there isn't anything we can do to fix it. So they have moved court up from Dec. 6 to Nov. 17. They are recommending to the judge that he be returned immediately. No one cares about all of the evidence of her not taking care of him and riding him around on the interstate sitting in her lap. No one cares! I managed to hold myself together while his caseworker was here. I did tell her that I pray nothing happens to him. But if it does it's on her head. Rob and I took off this afternoon, and spent the day in the park just letting him play. We took lots of video and pictures. Tomorrow we're scheduled to take family portraits...our last pictures with our son. I'm trying to remember that this is all according to God's plan, and nothing will happen to him that God has not intended. But it still hurts so much. In 3 days, my son will be taken away from the only home he's ever known, and dropped into a horrible, horrible place. I pray he will overcome, and make something of himself.

I'm not even sure why I pulled up the website, but something lead me to do it. I started looking at the available children again on the state foster care websites. On there I found an adorable 10 year old little girl. Her little write-up sounds great. She's doing good in school, doesn't have any medical issues or emotional issues that we know of, she loves Dis*ney and H*annah Mon*tana. I wanted to know more about her and find out where in the state she's living right now. I don't know if this will lead to adoption at this point, but you never know. I contacted my licensing worker, and she's getting in touch with the case worker for this child so we can talk with her. I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Hidden Gems

My sister-in-law sent me this email today, and I wanted to share it with ya'll. It's so true and something that I will have to keep reminding myself of especially if things don't turn out well for Fuzzy and us.

Hidden Gems

Sometimes we have an experience that we don’t understand, but if we look deeply, or wait long enough, a reason for that experience will usually reveal itself. All the events in our lives lead to other events, and all that we have manifested in this present moment is the result of past events and experiences. We cannot easily tease apart the many threads that have been woven together to create our current reality. Experiences that don’t make sense, as well as any that we regret, are just as responsible for the good things in our lives as the experiences we do understand or label as "good."

This is especially important to remember at times when we feel directionless or unsure of what to do. It is often at times like these that we take a job or move to a place without really knowing if it’s the right thing to do. We may ultimately end up leaving the job or the place, but often during that time we will have met someone who becomes an important friend, or we may have an experience that changes us in a profound way. When all the pieces of our life don’t quite make sense, we can remember that there may be some hidden gem of a reason that we are where we are having the experiences we are having.

It’s fun to look back on past experiences with an eye to uncovering those gems - the dreadful temporary job in a bland office building that introduced you to the love of your life; the roommate you couldn’t tolerate who gave you a book that changed your life; the time spent living in a city you didn’t like that led you into a deeper relationship with yourself. Remembering these past experiences can restore our faith in the present. Life is full of buried treasures. Chances are, you’re sitting on some right now.

Low Standards

It's 2 AM and my son is coughing and hacking in his sleep. We can't get and keep him well, because we have to keep sending him to spend time with that idiot. No matter how many times you tell her that he can't be around smoke, she doesn't care. It pisses me off to no end that some people are held to such low standards that most people wouldn't even consider them parents or even a free teenage babysitter just because they gave birth. She makes him sick. She puts in him a lot of danger every time he's with her, but it's ok because she gave birth to him. I would die for him, but it doesn't matter because I didn't give birth to him. It's ok for her to ride him around in her lap in a little smoke filled pick-up truck. It's ok for her to feed him so many whole grapes that he's pooped whole grapes for 2 days. It's ok for her to let him sit around and marinate in a dirty diaper to the point where his private is red and irritated. I guess the judge will only see a problem is what she does lands him in the hospital, and even then she may just ignore it like everything else.

Next week, Fuzzy will be gone for 4 days, 4 whole days. God help me and God protect him.

My little boy is gone again tonight, and will be gone tomorrow night. I hate this. I feel so lost without him here. I should be able to get a bunch done on my homework, but I can't because I keep thinking about him. Everything here reminds me of him. His little shoe was in the middle of the floor where he walked out of it last night. His favorite stuffed frog was where he dropped it this morning when we left for daycare this morning. I'm trying to keep my faith that things will work out for our family, but I can't help think that we will walk in court next month and they will snatch him out of our lives forever.

Hallweenie

We survived Halloween, and I'm glad it's over. Our church always has a huge Trick R Trunk on Halloween, and the band played this year. This meant that Rob and I would be busy with the band, and not have enough time to watch both of the kids. Thank God Robert's mom was able to come and keep up with the kids. We had a great time, and there were 1,200 people that came to the event which is the best turn out ever. By the time we got home we were all exhausted. I was in bed about 10:30, and very happy that the time changed last night. Thank you for the extra hour of sleep! Here are shots of the kids in their costumes and our costumes. Fuzzy the Dragon and L the Ladybug

Robert dressed as Shikamaru from Naruto (minus the black hair)

Me dressed as Temari from Naruto (minus the blond wig. I tried, but it just looked a fool.)

Putting on a face

It's odd and interesting to me how some days the littlest thing reminds me of Madison. Sometimes it's happy thoughts and sometimes they make me cry. Today I'm going to the 1st baby shower that wasn't a close family member (mainly my brother) in 3 years. I have avoided showers like the plague. Events like these open up wounds that are barely healed. I wasn't even completely happy during the little diaper shower my co-workers surprised me with when we got placed with Fuzzy. I dream of having a real shower, and sitting in front of everyone with a huge baby-filled belly. I'm not even sure why I'm participating. I think it's because someone blindsided me 2 weeks ago and asked me to come. I didn't want to tell the person no, and I most definitely didn't want to explain why I don't do showers. I'm tired of the looks of pity people give me. So I lie and put on a big smile, and I will walk my gift over to the shower. Thank Goodness the shower is for a guy that works here, and his pregnant wife won't be here. Also I have to leave early anyway to take Fuzzy to his post-op appointment to make sure all is well in his ears.

Enough

When is enough really enough? I'm so fucking tired of my life and my heart being shit on and torn apart constantly. I don't think I've asked for too much. I just want to be a mother to a living child that's all mine. I don't want to be a dog of the state anymore. I don't want to feel inadequate anymore because the jobs that my husband and I work don't allow us to afford to sign up with a private adoption agency and adopt a newborn, sign the papers, and walk away as that child's legal parents in a matter of months if even that long. Unless we win the lottery, we will be 40 years old by the time we save up $15,000 or more to pay for an adoption. And hey the $15,000 is a reduced rate because we want to adopt a bi-racial or black baby! We could choose to only save $10,000 and try IVF, but with my body that's a huge gamble.

I pray all the time that God intercedes for Fuzzy, and let's him stay with us forever. I pray that he won't get lost in the system and shipped to a home where he will probably become another poverty statistic. I don't want my son taken from me just because I didn't give birth to him, and sent to someone that can't raise him to be a strong man and an asset to society. But so far all we've seen is a bunch of people that don't truly care about him. They say they do, but they don't. They just want reunification at all costs.

Today we were blindsided. We were told last week that he would be going for an hour visit today. But after we dropped him off at daycare his CW calls and says that they are taking him for a 2 night visit, and he will be back Wednesday. She claims that she would have called Friday, but their phones in the office weren't working. That's a load of shit! If she wanted us to know in advance, then she would have called us from her cell phone. I think they want us to mess up so they can use it against us in court in December. They want to pick him up for a overnight and he not have his medicines. But thank God, Robert was at home so he could take the medicines to the daycare and get pictures of how he looks before they picked him up. So now we have to deal with this every week from now until the court date in December. Even though the CW hasn't told us, I know that the December court date will be our make or break hearing, and I'm going into ready to fight or die trying.

Success

Friday we finally got Fuzzy the surgery that he's been needing for months. He had tubes put in, and is doing great. And if this keeps him from having ear infections and constantly having fluid in his ears, then all the time spent in doctor's offices and being pissed off at the BM for not showing up on time don't mean anything anymore. Right now he's taking a much needed nap next to me on the couch after being put in "time out" for the 3rd time for hitting L. We're planning on having a nice, boring weekend at home. As long as the rain stays away, we'll take the kids to the park this afternoon. After a long, rushed, stressful week a little time at home and outside in nature is just what everyone needs. I hope everyone has a nice weekend!

Back in the Swing of Things

My 1st week back at work has been busy as hell. I knew I would have a ton of emails to read, but there are so many that need to be taken care of immediately and a bunch of them that are late. I've spent the last 2 days working on a huge filing, and thank God I finally got it wrapped up. But then I immediately dove into another huge one. Fun times!

I got a call from the ENT's office that will hopefully be doing Fuzzy's surgery next week. We have to get BM to come back to the office to sign all the paperwork again for some stupid reason. It would make too much sense for her consent to cover this type of surgery with this doctor. I don't even remember there being a specific date on the consent! Ughhhh. We also have to take him Monday to his pediatrician to get checked out and cleared for surgery. Even though we just took him to the pediatrician a couple of days ago and he was fine. Then we turn around the next day and take him to the ENT for a pre-op check-up. WTF? Why do we need to have the same check-up 2 days in a row? Sounds like a bunch of doctors milking the system for all it's worth for no reason. Thank God I was able to get the CW agree with me that Fuzzy didn't need any visits, especially overnight visits until after his surgery. But hopefully next Friday, Fuzzy will finally get his long awaited ear surgery.

L has been on one for a while. Last night she kept making herself gag by crying with her mouth wide open while holding all her saliva in her mouth (I'm not sure that explanation makes sense). While I was combing her hair after her bath, she threw up twice! She hates anything dealing with grooming from baths to hair combing. But these are things that I won't stop doing. I try my best to make it easier on her, but there's only so much you can do with a big head of kinky hair and a child that loves to get very, very dirty.

We're planning on taking the kiddos to take pictures Sunday afternoon. We haven't taken L to take professional pictures yet, and I just got Fuzzy a nice little suit and tie set. Crossing my fingers that they both behave and take some good pictures.

Me

I'm going back to work in the morning after 3 weeks of medical leave. I'm ready and not ready at the same time. I know that I still have things to do around the house, but I know that I have a lot of work to take care of at the office. My blood pressure is doing great. I don't know if I'll be able to keep going to the chiropractor as much as I have been since I won't be able to just go anytime I want to anymore. I've been working on a schedule for me to help me make better use of my time. So my plans include going to bed as soon as possible after I get the kids down so I can get up earlier to exercise in the morning. I need to get back in a consistent exercise routine again. I am too effing fat right now. I hate the way I look now. I'm tired of depending on drugs to keep me healthy. Medicines will only do so much. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm almost 300 pounds. I used to be a size 12, what the hell have I let happen to me? No wonder my cycles are so out of whack. No wonder it's been almost 4 years since I've had a pregnancy that didn't end in miscarriage. There's only so much stress I can eliminate from my life, but there are some things that I can make better. I've got a couple of weeks before I start classes to work on my Master's degree again. I'm planning on having another couple over this weekend for dinner. I've started voice lessons again. I love to sing and it's been a long time since I've done more than sing in the car. I need to fill my life and enriching activities instead of food and fears of what will happen with Fuzzy. So that's where I am right now.

Still running 90 MPH everyday. I have only had 1 relaxing day so far, and I'm 2 weeks into my 3 week leave. Tomorrow, Fuzzy has to go for a 2 day overnight visit. In order to keep me sane, Rob and I are going on a short trip. I can't bear to be in the house without Fuzzy. At least if I'm not here, I will only worry about him 95% of the time he's gone. I've been talking with an attorney that's friends with my brother about whether or not we should obtain legal representation. My brother is worried about us getting a lawyer because one of his friends is a social worker in TX, and she says that she has seen foster parents dropped for getting a lawyer. The department looks at it as you are working against them instead of being part of their team. I just don't know. I don't want to go to court in December and the judge ignore us or evidence never make it into the case, and Fuzzy gets shipped home. I want us to do everything in our power to make sure that his interests and safety and happiness are preserved. But I don't want things to backfire on us either.

One good thing is that my new med is still working good. My blood pressure has been staying in a great range. The chiropractic sessions are going good too. I don't think that I will continue going 3 times a week for much longer, but we will see. My health insurance only pays for 20 visits...humph

Well, gotta go the kids are finishing up dinner and I still need to finish packing everyone up.

Sick people

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. A lot has happened and a lot hasn't happened. I'm on medical leave right now because of my blood pressure being sky high for the last few months. It finally started to take a real toll on me and start messing with my vision a couple of weeks ago. So I took some time to see my doctor and he was not pleased. My average readings over the past 3 months had been in the 200's/ 100's. My blood pressure should stay below 130/80. He wanted me to go on leave immediately, but I put it off another 2 weeks because there was just too much going on at work to walk out without any notice. So I will be trying to get myself together over the next few weeks.

I started seeing a chiropractor this week. I've read a lot of studies that show that if certain vertebrae are out of alignment or pressing on certain nerves it can cause your blood pressure to be higher than it should be. And yep, I have both of those issues. Who would have thunk it? So I've been popped, cracked, sqooshed, and pulled more than I ever wanted to be in my life this week, and I have a lot more to go.

My doctor finally has the time to switch my medicines from the ones that I was put on when I was pregnant. I'm glad because this means hopefully taking less medicine to control my blood pressure better. He was being cautious changing my meds because I might not respond well to getting off a medicine I've been on for over 3 years. So I needed to be resting and monitored closely.

We were supposed to have buttons put in Fuzzy's ears today, but Monday we found out he had bronchitis. This is after the BM actually showed up and signed the papers for his surgery. So now we're enjoying the 3 times a day nebulizers and lots of meds. Hopefully we will get him well soon so we can get him back on the schedule for the surgery he so desperately needs.

Last weekend, Rob's mother scared the crap out of us by saying she thought L had the mumps. L had complained on and off about the side of her lower jaw hurting and it was slightly swollen. I knew she was behind on her immunizations, but she has had the one for mumps. Rob took her to the after hours clinic and they ruled out mumps, strep, and mono...Thank God! She has some infection so she's on an antibiotic and a decongestant.

Oh yeah and on top of all this fun, my allergies have been acting a fool and Aunt Flow shows up 2 weeks early. Ain't life grand!

This weekend has been very tiring and I'm thankful it's finally slowed down enough for me to just sit on the couch for a while while the kids play. Our A/C went out Friday which sucked! My buddy wasn't able to get out to the house until Sunday afternoon so it was hot as hell in here until then. He was able to patch it until we can get a new start-up capacitor. Hopefully it won't be too expensive. I've also been cleaning the house from top to bottom and doing tons and tons of laundry. The end of this process is in sight. Hallelujah!

L has been acting up a lot lately. She's got a nasty attitude toward both Rob and I. She's been rolling her eyes and refusing to do things. She's trying to boss Rob around by hitting and yelling at him. It took almost 2 hours to get her to eat her lunch today when I know that she was hungry and that it was food that she likes. If I say one word to her sometimes she starts screaming and crying. It doesn't matter what I say or how I say it. I thought things were getting better, but now it's back to me wondering if she needs to live with us or not.

Fuzzy is walking a lot better now, and actually walks more than crawls most days. Tomorrow afternoon we have a court hearing on his case. We're not expecting much to happen, but we will be there to testify if asked. Friday is L's next FTC so I will go to that one this time instead of Rob. Then the week after all of this, Fuzzy will be having tubes put in. His CW is going to ask the judge to give us permission to sign for his anesthesia because they feel like his BM will be a no show when she has to come sign the day of the surgery. She doesn't think he needs the surgery even though they have explained to her several times about his chronic ear infections and the possibility that he could lose his hearing. But she's thick headed and thinks that this is normal. It's not normal for a 1 year old to have had 9 ear infections! I'm praying that they get the order so that we can get him the surgery he needs without having to worry with her stupidity.

I'll keep ya'll posted on what's going on in my world. I hope everyone has a great Labor Day. TTYL!

4 Years

I meant to post this yesterday, but I was so busy that I didn't get a chance. Yesterday, was our 4th wedding anniversary. We didn't do anything special, but we're hoping if time permits to take a little getaway at the end of the month. A nice romantic, trip for 2 to see Metallica in concert in Dallas and have some good food. Yep, that's our kind of romance- metal and sushi. I still can't believe that it's been 4 years since I was a new bride. Time really does fly. I wonder if I'll be saying the same thing 21 years from now?

One of my favorite songs was and still is our wedding song, Nothing Else Matters by Metallica. Back then it meant that nothing in the world meant more to us than our love for each other and our relationship. When Madison was born, it expanded to our love for her. Now it's evolved even more. I'm so blessed that I listened to my heart and not my head, and stepped outside of my comfort zone to fall in love with Robert. He's rather strange to most people, but to me he's everything that I never knew I wanted or needed. I love you, Rob!

Metallica Lyrics

I can sum up me in one word: depressed. Nothing new has happened really. Fuzzy's case is at a stand still. His next court date is supposed to just be a 3 month review so nothing special. We will attend in case the judge wants to talk to us about the crap that went on with his overnight visits. L hasn't been progressing much, actually it depends on who she's around. She wants all of our attention so she tries to act like a baby around us, and it turns into a huge battle to get her to do somethings that we know she can do. She's not even trying to communicate with me most of the time. Her therapist and everyone has been working on getting her to point to what she wants. She was doing it for a while now not so much. I can sit down on the couch with some goldfish crackers. Fuzzy will come over to me and reach for the box or hold out his hand. She will stand about 4 feet away and just stare at me. If I ask her what do you want or say show me what you want. She will just stare or smile. To me that's not communicating correctly. It's so frustrating.

Our 4th wedding anniversary will be Wednesday, and the 4th anniversary of my sister's passing will be Friday. Madison was due on our 1st anniversary. I just wish I could get pregnant again. It's been almost 4 years since I got pregnant with Maddie. I wish I could be normal again. I want a child of my own that man can take away. I want to be able to take my child to the doctor and not have to explain that this child is not legally mine. I want to make decisions for my child without have to have a court order. I want to be a normal mother again.

I want the tears to stop welling up in my eyes as I type this. I want my husband to understand my pain. I want him to stop calling me cranky. I'm not simply "cranky". I'm not a baby nor an old woman. I'm angry, frustrated, brokenhearted, disappointed, run over, suffering, and so much more that I can't put into words. I need to be happy again.

A friend of mine posted this on her blog a while back, and it just feels right for me to share it again:

"A Pair of Shoes"
author unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Updates

We've been so busy and constantly running lately. It upsets me that we never got around to visiting Maddie's grave last month at all. I always said that I would go out there at least once a month because I was not going to be the parent that gets so busy in their life to neglect their angel. I will not miss another month.

Fuzzy stood up on his own today without using anything to help him! I think that he will start walking soon. It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year since he came to live with us. We've stopped trying to potty train L until she's willing and able to communicate with us consistently. She's still trying to pretend that she doesn't know how to feed herself correctly, but we know that she does because she does it at daycare and for other people like my mom. She's been saying more words on some days while other days she won't say much. I'm so glad that the speech therapy has started, and I can't wait until she's really talking with us like a normal 2 year old. She's a nice kid, but damn she can drive me crazy sometimes. But things have gotten much better over the past few weeks which is good.

I've started singing with my church's praise band, and it's been fun. I haven't sang with a group since high school. I've been practicing and I need to practice a lot more. I like to bring my "A" game to the table. We're working on a CD which took up a big chunk of my Saturday. We go back in the studio in 2 weeks to record my background vocals. So there will be a lot of singing going on in my house and car for the next couple of weeks.

I finally found out about my job, and I'm ok with the decision. I'm hoping that as everything gets lined out in the next few weeks that my job will be a lot less hectic and more structured.

Today was not a good day. I don't know why I'm always in a bad situation at work. I try to keep a low profile and just do a good job, but there is always something that happens to screw that all to hell. I can't say what happened, but my ass is in the crapper right now. Ughhhhh. It's not like I purposely did this, but people that I thought were adults overheard me tell another co-worker something that I didn't know was confidential and felt the need to spread it like the latest celebrity BS. Thanks a lot you nosy azz people!

One good note is that the kids liked my chicken and dumplings. They both were smiling and saying Mmmmmmm while they were eating. I'm glad that I'm actually getting L to eat some normal food instead of only eating spaghettios and Vienna sausage.

We've been running and running the past few weeks, and I'm looking for things to slow down at some point. The kids are doing fine. L is starting to act out more and more, and push us. She pushes Rob a lot more than me. Her speech therapy is going well. Some days she talks , and you can understand some of the things she says. While others she just babbles and points. Things are looking more and more like she will be with us for quite a while. They've almost exhausted all of their options of relatives that have come forward as possible placements. They're down to 2 that they are doing home studies on.

I still don't know anything about my job at this time. So I'm just working and hoping for the best. I'm putting it all in God's hands because worrying isn't going to get me anywhere.

I went shopping with Fuzzy and my mother-in-law, Kathey, yesterday since there were some awesome sales going on. We were having a tax free weekend too which just made things even better. I hit up my favorite seasonal upscale consignment shop, and got the kids a ton of fall/winter clothes. I also got a travel booster chair and some walking wings for Fuzzy for a total of $10! Then we went by the mall (which was freaking packed like it was Christmas). My back hurts because I forgot to pack the stroller so I had to carry Fuzzy most of the day. That little boy gets heavy fast.

In the middle of this, I was able to get in to my salon to get a trim. I hadn't had my hair cut in 4 months and desperately needed it. But I hated the way my hair looked when I was done because my stylists will get a little too "high fashion = big freaking wild hair" on you. Also my hair was really dry. My hair has gotten used to sulfate free shampoo. So when I finally made it home from shopping, (I can't believe I went all over town looking like an effing picked chicken) I gave myself a deep conditioning rinse with heat treatment which helped a ton. But all in all I'm satisfied with my salon visit because I got a good hair cut. Transitioning my hair from relaxed to natural has been an interesting journey. I've learned a lot about my hair, and I know I've got a lot more to learn as time goes on. But I'm lucky I found a great line of products fairly early on that have been a huge help for me.

Before
After
Well, it's past my bedtime so I'll be going for now.

Dear Evil Witch,

I would prefer it if you made your arrival either early or on time. When you are several days late, I can't help but get a faint glimmer of hope. I start to think that maybe this month we will get our blessing. I try to ignore the calendar when you're a day or two late since you're usually very early or perfectly on time. But when you're several days late, it pisses me off because I know that you will be here soon. I try to be a rational infertile and chalk up every "symptom" as PMS, but those pregnant fantasies still creep into my mind. I know, I know...I should know better by now. But please help a sister out and bring your ass on if you're coming to visit this cycle!

Sincerely,

Ashley aka The Temperamental Mama