Coming out of hiding

... kind of. I can't believe it's been so long since I blogged. I've been so busy with work and the kids and traveling. There have been some changes in Fuzzy's case plan and not for the better. The judge decided that Fuzzy's BM was not getting enough time to bond with him since the case plan was left as reunification so she ordered him to start overnight visits every other weekend. WTF? This dumb bitch completely ignored the CW and CASA's recommendation that the BM get longer SUPERVISED visits and work from there. Nope, the judge decided to throw an 11 month old into a place he's never been before, without anything that will give him a sense of security, alone with his BM that per the CASA volunteer "thinks that he is like a baby doll not a real human being." So this Saturday, I have to hand over my son to an idiot that will probably do God knows what to him because she doesn't like to follow directions from anyone. I won't know how he's doing until I get him back the next day. She has my cell phone number in case of emergency, but WTF am I supposed to do when she's 50 minutes away from me? I don't understand anyone with a brain thinking this is a good idea. The judge actually decided this after the BM threw a temper tantrum in court because she thought that since they were going to court she was getting him back that day. Even though the CW has talked to her 2 times before telling her that they were recommending that she work her plan for another 6 months. On top of all that, it came out that she has a history of drug abuse and has not been tested to see if she's using now or not! I was literally sick when the CW called me with this news, and I'm getting worse as the day draws near. Fuzzy has been sick for the last week and is very moody and high maintenance right now. I pray that he will be safe with her, but I'm not sure that he will be.

On a happier note, my brother and his girlfriend got married this weekend. It was a lovely small wedding with just family and some close friends. I got to be the photographer, and use my bro's new Ca*non EOS R*ebel T 1i. I'm in love with that bad boy. I can't wait to see the printed pictures. I was the 1st person to take pictures with it :) We took both kids with us to TX, and that was something I don't ever plan to do again. L had a screaming fit for about 10 minutes the 1st night in the hotel out of no where. And Fuzzy refused to sleep more than an hour or so at a time the whole 2nd night. I was exhausted. I'm still tired. For the most part, we all enjoyed the trip. And I'm just thrilled to have Janet as my sister-in-law and her son, Alex, as my nephew. I didn't take too many pictures with my camera since I was using the big daddy camera, but I'll share pictures when I can.

The day after the wedding, Avianna, was dedicated in church. It was nice being there for that, and she looked angelic in her little poofy ivory dress. We were supposed to go to my bro's house afterwards and to celebrate, but I didn't get much celebrating done. We were there about 30 minutes and realized that Rob packed Fuzzy's bottles in the wrong bag. So we had a hungry baby with no formula. I tried to feed him some solid food, but he didn't really want it. So I made the 20+ minute drive back to the hotel alone. I missed a turn and got kind of lost, but I found my way back. I was upset that I had to go back for the bottles and then I got lost and then on top of that my mom called my cell phone complaining about how long I was taking to get back. This is from the woman that made a 5 hour drive an 8+ hour drive because they got lost on the way to TX! Then my bro called me a couple of times because my mom was bothering him about it. And I just lost it. All of the pent up anger and frustration from the last few weeks at work and the issues with Fuzzy just came to a head. And I went off on my mom when I got back to the house. I know I said somethings I shouldn't have, but her nagging just set me off. I was hoping this weekend would be a nice time where I wouldn't feel like I was being berated for one thing or another, but her comments ruined the rest of my day. She's not really talking to me that much right now, and I know I will apologize just because it's my mom. Next time I will just have to avoid her.

I'm currently planning Fuzzy's birthday party which is getting bigger and bigger and bigger. We've decided to have it in the gym at our church since my house is not set up for a party of this size. Also this will allow everyone to get in the air conditioning if they are not on the playground with the kids. I still can't believe that my little man will be 1 in a matter of weeks. Time really has flown by.

I'm in a state of anger, confusion, fear, and just plain pissed off right now. Fuzzy's permanency meeting was supposed to be tomorrow morninng. But at noon today I found out that they moved it to this morning and I fucking missed it. Yep, they fucking moved a meeting that was supposed to have 4 lawyers and several other people in an hour. This is what the CW said on her message she left on my cell phone. She called my damn cell phone while I was at work even though I've told her over and over to call my office during work hours. I don't keep my cell phone on my desk because everyone with a brain calls me at work! So I didn't know that she called me at 8:05 and 8:39 to tell me about a meeting at 9. That bitch will get hers one of these days. I hate her! She has screwed us over too much. Rob is under the impression that the BM and the CW are friends that's why shit like this happens. I know that I do feel like it was done on purpose to keep me from being able to be there and voicing my opinion on the case. It doesn't help that a couple of weeks ago she sat in our living room and told us that they were not going to give the BM extension because there was no reason why she couldn't have worked her plan. But then a week later she was talking about recommending the BM get another 6 months. So guess fucking what....the BM gets another 6 months. Yep, Fuzzy will be a year and half by then. We're all the family he knows, but that doesn't matter to anyone. Just because BM squeezed him out does not make her the best option to raise him. But like I've learned over these months no one cares what kind of life she can give him. They just care that she's BM. And we don't matter because we're just foster parents.

Permanency

This Wednesday is Fuzzy's permanency meeting. I'm getting nervous. This point has always been so far away and now it's looming in front of me. I'm going alone due to work constraints for Rob. I'm not even sure what I'm walking into. I know that the BM will not be there. I know that Fuzzy's lawyer, BM's lawyer, Dad's lawyer, CW, her supervisor, and an adoptions unit worker should be there. But that's about it. I've had some people tell me that it will be just like the family team conferences, but I'm not sure. The CW had said 2 different things to me about the meeting. One day she told me that they were not going to recommend that the BM get any additional time to work her case plan and recommend TPR for a court date in August. But about a week later she said that they will probably recommend for her to get another 6 months. WTF? How can things change in a week? I don't trust them to do things in Fuzzy's best interest even though they claim that they will. She's had a year to work her plan and they've been helping her along the way yet she has been going against them and doing things "her way". I would do anything for Fuzzy so why is it so hard for her to follow directions for him? Why keep giving her chances? Will you let him spend the years and years in foster care just to keep giving her chances to do what she needs to do for him?

Today sucks, well actually work has sucked for a while. We're working on a big filing and right now we're doing a lot of keying in of data and other boring mind-numbing stuff. But to top that off I can't stop worrying about Fuzzy. They took him again today out of town for a visit. I hate this. This crap throws off his whole day, and then he doesn't have me or Rob there to help him cope. The CW doesn't even bother to tell us. They told the daycare yesterday that they would come get him today. This is how I found out. I hate the system.

What's Happenin'

Well, let's see what's happened since my last post:

I think L had a good birthday. She loved all of her gifts especially the cheap little baby bottles for her dolls. She loves her playhouse and her new doll. We met her grandmother and mom at the park the afternoon of her birthday so they could spend some time with her. It was nice seeing her happy, relaxed, and smiling.



On Friday, we had L's Family Team Conference and my department was having an out of the office fun day at the lake. I had planned to go to the FTC, but I've missed too much work lately. And in order to make sure I could get the time away from the office I will need in a couple of weeks approved I had to miss the meeting. So Rob took off Friday to go to the FTC for us. I had already spoken to L's mom several times about giving her another little party that day with her siblings. L's mom told me that the only thing she needed us to bring was the cake. I should have known better than that. Rob took the cake and an extra set of plates (just in case) with him. The family had a bunch of junk food and that's all. They didn't even have plates or a damn knife for the cake. Thank goodness I picked out a cake/cupcake combo so all they ate were the cupcakes since they couldn't cut the cake.

During the FTC, Rob learned a lot more about L's mom and all her issues and let me tell you that there are a ton of them. He also learned that L is lactose intolerant. WTF? Really...you're just know mentioning this. This child has been with us 2 months and has been having the foulest, nastiest diapers I have ever seen. I have almost thrown up several times. So now I've switched her to soy milk and I'm praying that things will get better.

L is still crying at the drop of a hat for almost anything. I keep talking to her about why she shouldn't be crying the way she does. She's also still screaming bloody murder when it's time to leave daycare or the church nursery or just leave someone that she just met in the hallway for a minute.

Wednesday evening , we're meeting with the therapist to have L evaluated. I'm hoping that she's eligible for as much help as they can give her because she really needs it. People joke about it, but I really believe that if she doesn't get professional help that Fuzzy will start really talking before she does.

Speaking of Fuzzy, he's cruising everywhere. He's not too interested in standing without holding on to something, but he's pulling up and walking all the time. I've started planning his birthday party and trying to figure out where we will have it. Right now I have about 50 people on the invite list so it's starting to look more and more like we will not have it at our house simply due to space and cost. Renting a tent and tables and chairs is pretty $$$. We will have his permanency meeting next week. I'm praying that they don't extend his BM's time. CW mentioned that her supervisor told her to talk to BM about surrendering her rights, but we all know that BM won't do that. She will drag things out until the end because she's not thinking about Fuzzy and what's in his best interest. I truly believe that she's had plenty of time and opportunities to do what they ordered her to do. But instead she's trying to make things appear to be good enough to hopefully fool people into just sending him home. The CW sees what she's doing, but will that help things I don't know.

Here's a couple of pictures of my son.


Well, my hair is almost dry so I can go to sleep soon. I'll try to update more often, but this week will be hella busy with Vacation Bible School each night after work until 8:15. Thank goodness it's only a week.

I saw this song on another adoption blog, and it's so beautiful. I've loved Mark Schultz songs for quite a while, but for some reason today was the first time I heard this one. Mark was adopted and wrote this song after speaking with an adoptive parent at an event. That parent explained to him that his BM had 3 choices for his life: abortion, keeping him even though she knew she couldn't give him the life he deserved, or giving him up to have a better life.

Birthday

I'm exhausted, simply worn out. I'm supposed to be working on my church stuff for tomorrow right now, but I had to take a break. I spent a good chunk of the day shopping for L's birthday tomorrow. Yeah, I'm doing the last minute thing because I just haven't had time to get it done after work this week. I left Rob at home with the kids since it looked like it was going to storm. It was hard to figure out what to get L since the only thing we know she likes is Spongebob, and there is only so much that I want running around my house. She's go several versions of him already and her bed is plastered with his ugly mugshot. I wandered all over several stores for hours. I got her some clothes, a Dora the Explorer play house, a doll stroller and supplies, and a dress up doll with some outfits. I hope she likes her gifts, and maybe she will play with them instead of Fuzzy's teething rings which she seems to always get a hold of somehow, someway. I have a cute personalized iron on transfer that I ordered to make her a shirt for tomorrow. But this afternoon I just confirmed that we have been misspelling her name the whole time we've had her. We just got copies of her birth certificate and social security card. So her shirt is wrong. I guess it's the thought that counts. Ughhhh.

Rob was able to get the cupcakes to the daycare Friday so L was able to celebrate with all her little friends. And he did a good job taking pictures since I couldn't be there and taking pictures is usually my department. We will meet up with L's mom tomorrow so she can spend some time with her too. Hopefully we can do that right after church so that once I'm home I can put on my slippers and lounge pants and chill out with my family.

Lord, please let Monday just be a lazy day without any drama. I need some rest.

It's been a long time since I've posted. I'm not sure where the time has gone. I intended to post again on Madison's angel day, but never got the time. I haven't had much in the way of free time lately. L has had an upper respiratory infection since last week. We took her to the doctor last Tuesday night after work since she kept running a fever 2 afternoons in a row at daycare. They gave her some antibiotics and some decongestants. We fought her 2-3 times a day for a week to saline and suction her nose. Fun times!!! We dropped her at my mom's house on Madison's birthday since she couldn't go to daycare. We needed that day to remain about Maddie and us. And L wasn't feeling too bad anyway. She and my mom had a good time.

I found out that my last grandparent passed away. My dad's dad died. He wasn't close to any of us anyway so it wasn't a crushing blow by any means. He moved clear across the country when my dad was 5, and rarely visited. I had never met him until I was in junior high. I think I've seen him 3 times in my whole life. But it's still sad when I think that I don't have any grandparents left.

My brother, Janet, and Avianna visited last weekend. It was wonderful getting to see her again so soon. She gave me the biggest grin when she saw me! I'm glad that my parents have finally gotten a chance to see and hold their granddaughter after all this time. And I'm excited because I will see her again next month when we go to TX for her baptism. Fuzzy didn't care much for being around Avianna. He was being a jealous little man. He would cry and scream bloody murder anytime I held her or talked to her unless Janet was giving him some attention. My jealous boy!

This week started out pretty good and has gone down hill fast. We had our monthly visit from Fuzzy's CW on Monday. She told us that things were looking towards adoption on their end because of problems with the BM and her not working her case plan. They know that she's just doing some things to make it appear that she's progressing to get Fuzzy back, but she's not making actual progress. She's doing things that are in violation of her plan. So Rob was feeling optimistic while I was being guarded in my optimism. I know I won't feel optimistic until a judge says he's ours.

Tuesday we took 6 hours of training so we're almost done with our training for this year. We will get another 2 hours tonight at the foster parent's appreciation banquet. So I will only need 1 more hour to meet our requirements for the year. During our classes we got a lot of information from the therapist and some other parents that hopefully will help us with L and her communication problems. After talking with the therapist, I've started looking into attachment disorders. L exhibits a lot of the symptoms, and it would explain her issues with me and the quick attachments she gets with strangers.

Thursday, when I walked into the daycare, Melissa, one of the ladies that cares for Fuzzy met me in the door. She told me that a social worker came and took Fuzzy for a visit. They said that they would be gone about 2 1/2 to 3 hours, but they were gone more like 4 hours. She sent him with 4 diapers, a bottle, wipes, and a jar of food. He came back 4 hours later, hungry and wet with 3 diapers left, a quarter of his bottle, and most of the baby food. He was in a bad mood and exhausted the rest of the day. It was difficult to get him to go to sleep. He whined and fussed most of the night which is not like him. It pissed me off because no one told me that they were going to take him for a visit. All I know is that I have a very upset baby to deal with when I get home. I called his worker bright and early this morning, and she acted like nothing odd happened. She said that they supervised the visit. His BM fed him until he didn't want anymore and that he was dry when they left to bring him back. She is so full of shit! I know what happened. The same thing that always happens. His BM expects him to eat when she sees him no matter what time it is. He ate about an hour and a half before his visit so he didn't want any more food. But instead of waiting until he was hungry and trying again they just bring him back to the daycare starving!

On top of all that the CW asks me if we will start supervising Saturday visits so his BM can see him more. WTF? Do you not take enough of my time up anyway, now you want my Saturdays? Just hearing that they want us to spend our weekend babysitting her just made me sick to my stomach. I don't have a good feeling about any of this. How do you go from saying on Monday that things are pointing to TPR and adoption to asking me on Friday for more visitation time for BM? I'm so fucking tired of having no control over my own life. Everyone else in the world gets to tell me what to do. There are people to tell me he's your son, but he's not your son. Bring him here, take him there, let her see him at this date and time. No you can't have 1 day in the week where you can just live your life outside of work because BM needs to see him more. You're the state's slave and we will beat you into submission. We will rip your heart out and stomp on it. But you shouldn't care because it's a job and we pay you so we own you. Don't complain because he's not really yours, but remember love him like he's yours or you're not a good foster parent. I'm not sure how much more of this shit I can take.

Madison

Happy Birthday Princess. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. Sending lots of hugs and kisses all the way up to heaven.

A Birthday In Heaven
© 2005 Written by Kris Smith

I heard you crying yesterday
And felt your heart-sent love
So I’m sending you this message
Now, from Heaven up above.

You’re wondering if I’ll celebrate
My birthday (way up here)
I know you’re missing me today
I feel your essence near.

God planned a special day for me
He told me with a wink
He’d ordered me a special cake
(It’s Angel food, I think)

I’m getting lots of hugs from God
He’s really good at that
And every time that I walk by
He gives my head a pat

Balloons will fill the streets for me
They float up through the clouds
And we have lots of clowns up here
That make us laugh out loud

There is a birthday carousel
Jeweled horses ride the wind
With music playing oh so sweet…
The magic never ends

I’ve made so many friends, you see
We laugh and play and sing
We ride our bikes and play jump rope
And sleep in Angel’s wings

We’ll have our cake and ice cream
And open gifts, surprise!
But we don’t blow out our candles here
Instead, they light the skies

Life in BooHooville

Nothing new really. L has warmed up to my parents more and spent most of last night playing with my mom without a problem. Things are the same between L and I. I've shut down. I still try to work with her, but I don't really care if it works or not. I'm taking things to heart anymore which may or may not be a good thing. We're having food battles which is typical with a little kid, but it's harder when you have a non-verbal child. I've tried so many different foods and techniques to get her to eat, but most of them have failed. The only thing that she will consistently do is drink juice. I guess I should just be satisfied that at least she eats well at daycare. My mood is starting to have its low points as the days pass and I get closer and closer to Madison's birthday. I try to keep myself from thinking too much about it. When I let my mind wander, I think about what kind of party she would be having and what preparations I would be making now. Then I get an email telling me that the wind chime I bought for her grave has shipped out, and reality sets in and my heart breaks all over again. One of Rob's friends recently had a baby, and all I could do was get angry and cry. I admit that I'm jealous of all the people that get to have a baby as easy as 1-2-3. It hurts to think that it's a real possibility that I will never get to have a happy picture taken of me laying in a hospital bed holding my healthy newborn. Can't I just catch a break once? Will it ever be my turn?

Rob and I both have Madison's birthday off so we will drop the kids at daycare early that morning, and spend the day together. I'm not sure what all we will do that day, but I know it will be nice.

Updates

It's been a while since I've actually had a real post so now I'm taking time to get it all typed out. Our trip to Dallas was good. Fuzzy was crankier on the drive than usual, but he's teething. We had a good time loving on Avianna. She's changed so much since we last saw her. She's so pretty, and looks so much like my mom and me it's freaky. We spent 2 nights of our trip in a very nice hotel with a jacuzzi in our room. I puffy heart the jacuzzi. I need to start saving $$ to get one of my own. That thing was so nice after being out and about all day. Little Girl had a wonderful time with the respte family. She loved playing with their 3 year old little girl. She didn't want to leave when we came to pick her up.

I took a ton of pictures on my trip so here's a few of them.


Last week, I did something that I have been trying to avoid since I started driving 13 years ago. On my way back to the office from lunch, I was driving down the little boulevard in front of my office going about 10 mph. When out of no where darts a squirrel. My mind didn't even realize that it was a squirrel running in front of my car until I heard a little thump. My heart sank. I started to cry as I slowly creeped forward. I looked in my rear view and saw the poor little skwerl (as my hubby likes to spell it). I parked so I could see him because I was hoping and praying I had just stunned him. He tried to get up a couple of times and moved a little. The only thing going through my mind was how am I going to get that squirrel in my car to take him to the vet? After a couple of minutes he got up and ran into some near-by bushes. When Rob got off work we came back to look for the little guy, and couldn't find him. So I'm hoping and praying he was just stunned and now he's happily eating pecans somewhere near the building not in the street!

Wednesday, Little Girl had her weekly visit with her mom and little brother. Usually she's upset which is to be expected when I pick her up. But when I got to the daycare she actually came to me and took my hand to go home. I was shocked. But the next day things were right back to normal with me having to drag the crying, sobbing child home with me.

Friday, we had our first home visit from Little Girl's CW, C. We discussed having her evaluated for developmental delays due to her past history and lack of communication. C was shocked that Little Girl is still avoiding me like the plague, but gets overly attached to almost any stranger that talks to her. C mentioned that the judge has ordered that a home study be done on Little Girl's aunt and uncle that live in a neighboring city. This aunt and uncle have worked with the state before as relative placements for another niece that had a child in foster care. I really hope this works out and LG gets to be with her siblings again. I know that's the best for her.

All in all not much has changed between LG and I. She still cries and cries when I come get her from somewhere. She doesn't talk to me and usually avoids me. I'm still trying to work with her, and I'll keep trying. I would hate to have them move her only to be moved again if her relatives can take her.

Infertility

I found this video earlier today while I was feeling so low because yet another cycle has gone down the drain. My little cousin that I used to babysit is having a baby next month, and I'm still fighting a war that I can't seem to win.

Growing Up

Fuzzy is toothless no more. This past weekend he got his 1st tooth and then a day later his 2nd tooth broke through. So he has his 2 bottom front teeth. It's so cute. I still haven't been able to get a picture of them since he's always hiding them with his tongue. My little baby has gotten so big, so fast. He's still doing a combo of commando scooting and crawling, but he can get anywhere he wants quickly now. He's pulling himself up all the time too. It's awesome getting to watch him develop. In our meeting with his CW on Monday we got some fairly good news. So everyone please keep praying for us that Fuzzy will get to stay with us forever.

Updates

Things are still going about the same as they have been. L is still crying every time I come get her. She still avoids me if she can and doesn't speak to me at all. The daycare says that she eats well, drinks her milk, and is starting to talk to them. Yep, she's doing everything that we have to battle her for at home without a problem at daycare. I'm glad that she's opening up more, but it's frustrating that those changes are not making their way home.

I talked to the foster parent that will be doing respite for us while we're in TX this weekend. She sounds like a nice person, and has been a foster parent for several years. They are in the process of adopting 2 of their foster children so they can only do respite at this time. Rob and I will take L over there Thursday evening so that we can get on the road bright and early Friday. I think she will enjoy herself over there because there will be other kids that are roughly the ages of her siblings. My boss and co-workers are giving me a hard time for leaving her, but I really need a break from all the issues. We need some enjoyable time. Our marriage needs this trip. So I refuse to let them make me feel bad about my decisions. No one truly knows until they have lived your life.

I'm looking forward to Thursday because I'm only working half a day, and then I'm heading to Rain the Salon and Day Spa! I haven't been there in ages because money has been kind of tight so luxuries had to be put aside. But now things are going better and I'll be taking better care of myself. I've got an appointment for a cut, color, and spa pedicure. I haven't had a pedicure since my wedding day. I'm so excited! Well, the kiddos have been in bed for about an hour and it's time for me to go too.

Rob's aunt recently experienced a tragedy last week. I talked to her on Facebook a couple of days ago and she told me what happened. Her hubby's nefew and his family has been living with her for a few months to get back on their feet. On Good Friday, she was babysitting their kids. The 4 month old baby boy choked on his spit-up. They administered CPR, but the little angel didn't make it. Rob's aunt is blaming herself for this accident. But we all know that it was an accident that's no one's fault. She tried to save him. But I know how you will blame yourself for things that were out of your control. I told her I would pray for her and their family. Rob wants to go visit his aunt and uncle this weekend to give them some support. But I just can't go over there. I'm not in a place right now that I can walk into a situation like that. We have no idea if the family is still living with them or not. And it's no way to go over to offer the aunt support and not run into the grieving parents and siblings. How could you offer her support and sympathy without doing the same for the parents? All I can do is pray for them. I think that's the best thing that I can do.

Quiting

I'm considering giving up on this placement with L. Things are not good. I'm so unhappy. I dread the clock hitting 5 PM because I know I have to go pick up the kids and go home. She fights me on everything. Even the simplest things are a battle if I'm involved. Her CW does seem to care, and probably won't until I call and tell her she has to find somewhere else for L to live. I don't understand why anyone would think it's ok for a child to fight, cry, and scream at her primary caregiver as long as she's attaching to other people. WTF does her attaching to everyone else have to do with her main home life? This situation is stressing out my marriage. Today like always she cried and screamed when I came near her at daycare. One of the workers carried her to the car and tried to bribe her with some chips and a doll to stop crying. We had to go by my parents' house after work so Rob could work on their computer. L screamed and cried when my mom spoke to her. My mom just kept trying and gave her a teddy bear. She finally warmed up a little to her, but she never did with my dad. She screamed, cried, and kicked every time my dad even entered the room. So at least I'm not the only person in the world that's not her favorite.

We've decided to get respite care for L when we go to Dallas next weekend. We both want an actual vacation, and know that would be impossible with her. I'm giving it another week or so to improve at least a little bit before we admit defeat. I know that all placements are not meant to be, but it's still hard to give up.

Time for a Change

I've been doing a lot of complaining the past few weeks, and I'm tired of only seeing negative things on my blog. So today will be a trip down memory lane for me. I pulled out my MP3 player the other day and charged it up to take to work. I've been sitting at work listening to a huge range of music that spans too many genres to count. A song came on that I haven't heard in a while and it immediately made me think about my best friend from school, Sarah. The song was "Sex and Candy" by Marcy's Playground, and the year was 1998, my senior year in high school. Sarah started out being a friend of a friend that I re-introduced to that year. We hit it off instantly and were inseparable ever since. We were a pair of crazy ass, Newport smoking, loud mouth, alcohol loving, ghetto acting bitches. We brought out the best and the worst in each other. She's my sister from another mother. Sarah drove a big old F-150 with no heat or air. That truck had so much junk in the cab you would expect to find a dead body buried under it one day.

I remember dropping my date for Homecoming to hang out with Sarah because she got dumped. We spent that night watching old movies, eating junk food, and reading her mom's copy of The Joy of Sex. LOL! Sarie effed up and didn't get to graduate with us, but that didn't stop us from celebrating together anyway. As soon as the ceremony was over we were back together again hanging out all night. College took us in seperate directions for a while. Sarah went the band/party route and I went the school/work route. But no matter what direction our lives went in we managed to stay close. We were right there when one of us needed the other.

When Sarah got pregnant, I was there the whole time. It was a hard pregnancy, and we thought we might lose her. But mom and baby made it through wonderfully even though Danielle was born 6 weeks early. I was Sarah's Maid of Honor and she was my Matron of Honor. I'm Danielle's godmother. And one day Sarah will get to be my child's godmother. Life is keeping us both busy and we don't see each other much, but I know that I would drop everything to be by my sister's side and she would do the same for me.

Things haven't gotten much better yet, they are probably worse. L talked to her mom last night, and cried the whole time. I didn't expect it to go well, but the CW was fine with the mom calling the kids to talk to them sometimes. L's mom asked me if I would meet her today to get the antibiotic ointment that L needs for the ringworm, and so she could see her for a little bit. I initially said yes, but after some thinking and sleeping on it I decided that wasn't a good idea. L was a wreck after her visit, and I didn't want to deal with that in Wal-mart and for the rest of the day while I have the kids alone for the day. I did tell her mom that I would take some pictures of her in her Easter frocks, and send them to her Tuesday for her visit.

Wednesday, we took L to the doctor for her physical. Rob was there for a couple of hours of the wait, but had to get to work before we were done. It took us 3 hours to get her physical done because we didn't have any of her Medicaid info. Her mom was claiming that she didn't have the cards. It took the doctor's office a while to locate her info and get a referral faxed over from her previous doctor that's in another city. L cried several times during the exam, but wouldn't let me comfort her at all. Then I dropped her off at daycare before I headed back to work for the rest of the day. Rob's parents came over that evening and like always L ran to Rob's dad even though she has never met him in her life. She smiled and played with them the whole time until bedtime. I make Rob do bedtime so that he can deal with her screaming sometimes, and like always she threw a screaming fit but even bigger than usual because we had visitors.

Yesterday, we got to leave a little early from work so I used that time to run up to the church to put my overheads on the computer for maundy Thursday service and for Good Friday. I gased up the car, and dropped off L's prescriptions. I talked to the pharmicist about the medicaid situation because I just knew that the numbers the CW emailed me were not right. They look nothing like Fuzzy's medicaid number. I'm not sure what the hell the CW sent me even though she claims that they are right. So we didn't get the prescription filled because the pharmacy has to try to talk with medicade to see if they can give them the correct number. WTF? More running around wasting time doing stuff that the CW should be doing.

Today, we've had a house of crying babies. Fuzzy is in a bad mood since his teeth/gums are bothering him again. I've medicated him and been loving on him when I can. I'll be glad when his teeth finally break through. L is alternating crying/humming/ and trying to destroy the house every time I turn my back. I put her down for a nap and she cried like usual, but at some point while she was in her room she took it upon herself to tear things up. The room was a wreck when I got in there because she had gone through the closet and her dresser pulling stuff out and opening packages. I just don't know. I try to play with her, but she just looks at me and stares at me. So when I don't play with her she may play alone for a little bit, but then I will look up and she's staring at me. I just don't know what to do. I'm counting down the hours until I can go to church tonight. There is no way I could spend every day at home with these kids, I would lose my mind. Thank God for the nursery!!! I need a day off, alone to just focus on me. Huhhhhhhhh....

Still Trying

It's been almost a week since L came to live with us, and I'm not sure if this is going to work. She prefers everyone and anyone over me. She has actually run up to a stranger and jumped in their arms and just smiled. I have to ask her and sometimes beg her to even come to me unless we're alone. And if we're alone it's a crap shoot whether or not she will cry the whole time. WTF? I haven't done anything to her that I can think of, but no matter how hard I try nothing helps. I'm human and I can't help but get my feelings hurt by her rejection. The first few days she wouldn't let me out of her sight, and now she acts like she wishes I wasn't even here. I've decided that I will give it a few more weeks to see if things improve, but if they don't then I guess I'll have to let her CW find her somewhere to stay. I hate to even think about quiting on her, but maybe there is something about me that brings up a bad memory for her. And since she's so young and doesn't really talk there's no way to really know. But I know that I wouldn't want to live with someone that scared me, so I'm not going to do that to her.

Congrats

It's about time one of the best metal bands ever finally got what they rightfully deserve. Metallica FINALLY got inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this past Saturday. Metallica has been a part of my life for a long time, and a big part of my relationship with Rob. Our first trip together was to one of their concerts. "Our song" is "Sabbra Cadabra" by Metallica. We danced to "Nothingelse Matters" at our wedding. And Madison was conceived with Metallica's Black album playing in the background. LOL...that was probably TMI wasn't it. But anywhoo I love this band, and I'm glad that their greatness has finally been recognized! Rock On!

Small Steps

Today was our first time since we got L to take her around a bunch of people since we visited the daycare for a few minutes on Friday. I got up at 7 to go by the church to put my overheads on the computer for the 9 and 11 services. I got back home a little after 8 to a screaming banchie of a child while the rest of the house was sleeping through it. So I got Fuzzy up, changed, and bottled. L woke up while I was doing that so I fixed us both some breakfast too. After everyone was fed and playing, Rob woke up. We got everyone ready for church. Fuzzy and L both went to the nursery, but only Fuzzy stayed. L was holding on to us and started to cry as soon as we got about 3 feet away from her. It was just easier on everyone to take her with us to church since I didn't want to burden the girls in the nursery with a crying, scared child that was actually too old to be in there. L should be in an actual class, but I know she's not ready for that. Church went pretty well. We only had to have the "don't touch that button, don't touch anything on the computer, don't touch anything other than the chair you're sitting in and the paper/pencil I gave you to play with" talk about 6 times throughout the service. L didn't really care for all the people talking to her, but hopefully that will improve with time. I'd love for her to be able to run and play with all the other kids her age.

Since L didn't survive the nursery we decided to play it safe and have Rob's mom come over to our house to babysit her and Fuzzy while Rob and I went back to church for drama practice. No fear...I'm not acting in the play. I'm doing my usual overhead function and Rob is running the spotlight. L did good with Rob's mom so at least she's warming up to people other than us. Fuzzy was already in bed by the time we got home. I fixed L some dinner since Rob's mom didn't feed her. I can't blame her because she didn't know that L will either not answer questions or she will say no to most of them. So when she asked L was she hungry she said no.

L has really gotten attached to Rob, and he's really good with her. She's always wanting to be with him and for him to hold her. So I've been taking more care of Fuzzy and taking a back-up roll with L making sure she's fed, clean, and stuff like that. I know it's wrong, but I find myself being jealous of their relationship sometimes. I'm jealous because my heart is screaming that this should be my husband playing with our daughter. But no our daughter is dead. She never got to play with her daddy. I would have died for her, but yet there are people that can have a kid as easy as 1+1 and throw them away. It's hard sometimes. People keep saying that we're so good for doing this, but then at the same time I'm wondering how much more of this can I take. I want to help the kids, but at the same time my helping is hurting my heart.

Exhausted

Day 2 in Tinyville:

We all slept pretty well last night, and got up around 9 the next morning. I tried to get L to eat, but she won't eat anything but the apple juice I keep giving her. I guess that's better than nothing. We were running late getting Fuzzy to daycare, and his BM was early for her visit. The 1 freaking time she's early would be the day were really late. Ughhhhh! The daycare called us, and I told them Fuzzy would be there soon and to tell his birthmom to shove it. I knew they wouldn't tell her that part.

After dropping Fuzzy off, we had to go to wal-mart to shop for L. It took us a grand total of 4 hours to get the shopping trip done. 1 of those hours was us waiting for the social worker to bring her slow ass there to pay for all the stuff we had to get L. But I'm proud of myself, I got her a ton of cute clothes and managed to stay within the allotted amounts.

When we got home, Rob and I started back working on the spare bedroom so we could move L in there that night. It took us a couple of hours, but it was ready for her to stay in that evening.

After we finished that I tried to get L to eat one of the little toddler meals I grabbed at walmart. She ate pretty good so I was happy that she was at least eating some food. I gave her a bath after dinner which was a big fiasco. I let L sit and play in the water for a while before I started actually bathing her. I had to change the water because she was so dirty. Then I started on my major project, her hair. She screamed and screamed when I wet her hair. But I had to get it washed. It was so tangled and matted. She finally calmed down a few minutes after I finished. I got her into her new PJs before tackling her hair again. I found a huge sore and ringworms. Fun! How the hell do you let a child get like that?

It took me a lot longer to get L to sleep this night, and she didn't stay down for long. It took us 3 different times of putting her to sleep for her to actually stay asleep. I know that the 1st night she just slept out of exhaustion, but I'm praying that she's easier to get to bed from now on. I was hoping and praying that her loud screaming and yelling wasn't going to wake Fuzzy.

Day 3:

We know have the battle of the munchkins. Fuzzy the 8 month old I was here 1st vs. L the almost 2 year old I can take your toy and walk away are fighting for our attention. I can't give them both a toy to play with because L will take whatever Fuzzy has. Her favorite word is No. We have had the don't kick the baby discussion a couple of times now. She is eating better tho and smiling so that's good. I'm so tired and emotionally spent. I dread going back to work, and having to balance all this with my work.

There's a court hearing Monday so we will know more then about the case and such. Tuesday they are having visitation, but I'm not sure if the parents will be involved or just the kids. Wednesday morning we have L's physical scheduled unless we can get her in Monday. I don't have a bunch of time to take off work, and with this whole merger going on at work I need to be there showing my face. I don't want to neglect my duties as a foster parent, but I need my job too. My job is my bread and butter.

Well, I need to go work on my church stuff while Rob entertains the kids.

2 More Feet

I got called this afternoon at 4:30 about a placement. They didn't even have the children in the office yet, so there was only a limited amount of info that our placement worker could provide. All she said was that they wanted to place an almost 2 year old healthy girl with us, and I said yes. So as soon as Rob got off work we ran over to Wal-Mart to buy a toddler bed, mattress, blanket, and a spare set of bigger diapers.

About 8 PM the worker showed up with the little girl I will call L for now, and her big brother, S. L was curled up in a little ball being carried by the case worker. She didn't have on any shoes, and looked absolutely frightened. She's a small, thin child. S looked us over and then looked around the house. He was being so brave and being a good big brother making sure that his little sister was going to be safe. He tried hard to hide his tears, but couldn't. We promised him that he would see his sister in a few days when we get all the kids together for a visit. I really wish we could have taken them both to keep them together, but we just don't have the room for 3 kids. The CW hurried through the paperwork, and told me to call in the morning for more info because she didn't even have all of it right now. I've got my list of questions already for her.

L sat next to me on the couch sucking her thumb for about 20 minutes watching Blue's Clues, and then she just burst into tears. She cried and cried while I held her and rocked her. She wouldn't talk at all. I tried to get her to color with me, but every time I tried to talk to her, she started to cry again. It was heartbreaking. I gave her an Oreo that she devoured, and then started to cry again. I gave her some apple juice, and that seemed to calm her down a little. Then I changed her diaper which was soaking wet, and she started to warm up to me after that. She sat on my lap and played with me after that.

Rob's mom brought us dinner and brought L a happy meal. L and I sat on the floor while she ate her dinner. She smiled at me and let me help her with her food. Then we played some more. She enjoyed playing "pick up the toy" with Fuzzy. Then Rob, L, Fuzzy, and I played with a ball for a while. Then Rob and I got both kids to bed after some work. I'm praying that they both sleep through the night because I need some sleep. We've got a long day ahead of us tomorrow. I need to give L a good bath, and her hair needs a lot of care. I'm going to try to get L to the doctor for her physical. I have to meet the CW at wal-mart in the morning to get L lots of clothes, hygiene stuff, a car seat, and a lifebook. Well, it's already late so I'm going to bed. I'll keep everyone updated on how things are going.

Spring Cleaning and All that Jazz

Our licensing worker called me Thursday afternoon about placing 2 more kids with us. I thought about it, but knew in my heart that it was too much for us to take on right now. The placement consisted of a 6 year old little girl and her 18 month old little brother. The little girl is in a school on the other side of town from us so that would mean that I would have to figure out how to get her to and from school everyday. Getting her to school wasn't the problem, but picking her up each day 2 hours before I get off work would be a problem. I could have enrolled her in an after school program that would pick her up for me, but getting her in a good one would be very difficult this late in the school year. Another problem is the fact that we don't have a 2nd bedroom set up yet. We have a 3 bedroom house, and the 3rd bedroom is currently my office and a make shift storage for large baby gear. We've been planning on converting this room into another bedroom for that we would be ready for more placements, but we just haven't gotten around to it. So after that call Thursday I decided that it was time to really get down to business so that we are ready when the right placement comes along.

Saturday we didn't get going until about 3 that afternoon. We were both exhausted after being up until almost 4 AM hanging out with friends. So we did some shopping for supplies so I can pack up that room and move it to our computer room. Sunday was Children's Sunday at church so I had extra work I had to do to get my computer presentation ready so that took longer than usual so I didn't get to do any work with the room.

After church today we met some friends for lunch and then it was off for more shopping. Then it was home to start on our project. While Rob put together a new cabinet I bought, I started clearing out the closet and shelves. Also I convinced Rob that we need to rent a storage unit to take a lot of this stuff. It's all things like random stuff I've collected over the years, mememtoes, clothes, and baby gear that Fuzzy has outgrown that we don't want to get rid of but that we need to get out of the way for the time being. So tomorrow I'll call around and find somewhere near-by that's climate controlled and a good price. Because we'll be able to get a lot more done with the room once we can move some stuff out of here. So that's about the extent of my last few days. Fun, fun, fun! My feet hurt and my back aches, as soon as Rob gets back with our fabulous dinner from Taco Bell I'm eating and crashing for the night because it will be time to go back to work in a matter of hours.

Mama Loves You

It's been 2 years since we lost Baby D. Time passes by so quickly, but I still remember running to the store at 3 in the morning to get another pregnancy test just to confirm it. We were so happy. This was our 2nd chance. But before we knew it, you were gone. Our baby went to join her big sister. Mama and Daddy will always love you and will never forget you as long as we live.

Lord, today I sent my baby to you
Please give her wings and let her fly
She's new at this so take it slow
Teach her how they flutter by
I'll miss her so though we'd never met
And I'll never know her smile
But you need her and now she's yours
She was only mine a while
She'll never know pain
And she'll never know fear
For I know that you will keep her near
And now . . .
I close my eyes to say good bye
And watch her fly away to you
Please keep her Lord, and love her 'till
I get my wings and join you too.

Kymberli Brady
copywrite 1999, all rights reserved

I got an email today with pictures of a co-worker's newborn son. I look at the images on my screen, and I'm happy for her for a moment. And then my heartbreak returns like always. In the time I've spent trying for a baby, she's had 2. So many others I know have had baby after baby in that time. I feel defeated. Almost 3 years later I'm still as hurt as I was the first few days after Madison died. For some reason people tell me to enjoy my time without a baby. Being a foster parent isn't the same because with our own baby we have to be completely responsible for all of their expenses, and you can't give them back. Don't rush to have a baby. Would people tell me the same thing if Madison had lived for a few months or a few years before she died? Would people tell the mother of a child that died in a car accident to enjoy their life without that child? Look on the bright side, you can travel, eat out, not have to worry about day care or babysitters. Like it's a good thing that their child died. People think that just because she didn't live to make it home with us that we could possibly be that attached to her. Other mothers forget how quickly that bond formed with their child when they felt that first kick or saw their baby on an ultrasound. If they had to walk in my shoes would they still want people to tell them to be happy that they don't have a baby. Or would their faces hurt from all the fake smiles they had to display day after day to stop the tears from breaking free. I used to say I've been tried by fire, but that's not exactly true. I'm not done being tried by fire, and I'm not sure when I will be.

Doctor Visits

All is not well in the D household. Fuzzy is sick as usual. His cough sounds like he's got a 3 pack a day smoking habit. He has these horrible coughing fits that usually cause him to throw up if he's eaten anything within the last 20 minutes. He's got so much mucus coming up and then going right back down to his stomach. He threw up all over my mom Sunday. He's been running a fever on and off for the past couple of days. But generally he remains in a decent mood. Sunday I spent most of the day holding him and letting him sleep. My poor little man. He's got a doctor's appointment on Thursday afternoon which will not come soon enough for me.

I had an appointment with my gyno yesterday to see what our next step would be the trying to conceive battle royal. He wants me to quadruple my Metformin dosage to see if that helps with my irregular periods because we know that I am ovulating just not consistently or predictably. So I increased my night time dose from 500 mg to 1000 last night and my stomach is not enjoying it at all. I have to take another 1000 mg when I eat breakfast. God, I wish I sat closer to the bathroom. So I will continue the meds and monitoring my cycle and ovulation for 3 months, and then go back to see him.

One thing that pissed me off was when I went to checkout, I found out that our insurance has changed the gyno to a specialist as far as my co-pay is concerned. So now my co-pay has almost doubled. WTF? I'm sorry but the gyno is a normal part of a woman's health care and shouldn't cost her more to see. Ughhhh!

Mama Mama Mama!

Fuzzy made my day yesterday by saying Mama several times at me with a big smile. This was the first time he's said it while I was close enough to hear him. It just melted my heart. We took him to the park the other day after work because we've been having some beautiful weather the past few days. It was nice to just stroll around in nature watching other families enjoying the park too. I can't wait until he's walking so we let him run around in the grass.

While Rob was rocking Fuzzy to sleep last night he said something that brought tears to my eyes. He told Fuzzy that we will be his mama and daddy until they won't let us anymore. Fuzzy just looked at us and smiled. I love his smile.

I decided that I can't put things off anymore. I have to get back in the TTC circus. So Monday I've got an appointment with Dr. L to discuss moving on to IUI since the clomid therapy alone hasn't worked. I'm praying that the IUI will not be too expensive since our health insurance coverage for infertility is not that hot. It only covers a small amount and the lifetime maximum won't even pay for a quarter of a typical IVF round. It just infuriates me that infertility treatments are treated like something trivial. I'm trying to get pregnant not get a boob job! Well, I'll update on how things go after my appointment.

I'm glad that it's almost the weekend because I'm so tired. I just need to get more sleep, and Saturday is my one day to do that. I don't have anything planned for this weekend other than a little light housework and some sleep. I hope everyone has a nice weekend.

.....

We had our monthly home visit today. It lasted longer than usual which sucked because I ended up being late getting back to work since these visits are during my lunch hour. We found out that the BM moved into her own place last week, and that they will start in home visits soon. The thought of that just makes my stomach upset. I know he's not ours, but my heart doesn't treat him like he's not ours. I really don't know if foster parenting is for me. I've lost so much over the past few years. I wonder how much more loss can I take.

Steakums

I've been reading so many spreadsheets and emails at work that my eyes are crossing. Way too much going on at work right now. My butt actually hurts because I sit down too much. WTF? It's one of those rainy days that make you want to be at home in bed or at least on the couch watching TV under a blanket. But since vacation time is like gold to me I'm here instead of at home. I know that Fuzzy is coming down with something, I'm just not sure what yet. He's been fussy and not himself the past 2 days. Also today he's been throwing up a lot of his baby food which he never does. He's still at daycare since he's not running a fever. And he's still smiley and happy which is a good thing. But I made an appointment with his doctor for Monday anyway because I don't want him to get worse. His congestion had gotten a lot better, but we recently ran out of one of his congestion meds and it's coming back with vengeance. I honestly thought that with the breathing treatments, 2 congestion meds, and antibiotics he would finally get over all this. But not so much. He's coughing a lot more again. My poor little guy and his endless illnesses.

He had a visit with BM yesterday, and was supposed to have another one today but at lunch they still hadn't shown up. They aren't making any friends by saying they will be there and then not showing and not calling. We've got our monthly visit from Fuzzy's social worker on Monday. I look forward to these like I look forward to a stomach virus. His CW drives me nuts. I can only think of 1 thing that she did without me having to call her several times and hound her to do it. We still don't have Fuzzy's social security number so we still can't file our taxes. I don't want to file and then have to turn around a amend them to include him as our dependent. Uncle Sam has held onto my money long enough...I want it back!

Tonight the guys are coming over to kill monsters, and I'm ready. I need to release some anger. I'll be making philly cheesesteaks and steak fries for everyone. I hope they turn out good. I've never used Steakums before, but they were on sale so I figured it was worth a shot. I think Steakums is just a funny word....Steakums...LOL!

A lot happened to me today. I hadn't blogged about the fact that we got called last week about possibly adopting a baby that is due this week. We were in the running with another couple. This would be the 4th baby that the 27 year old BM was putting up for adoption. It would be handled by a agency down south which contacted our agency to see if they had any families that would take a full African American baby. We were very hopeful that this one would work out for us.

Our adoption worker from BCH called me this morning to say that the birth mother was being presented with our profiles and letters today to make her final decision. She wanted to know more about us. So I hurriedly wrote another letter to tell her more about our likes, hobbies, faith, church involvement, and what type of adoption we would prefer. I had less than an hour to write this letter.

Our adoption worker from BCH called to tell me that the birth mother really liked us, but chose the other couple because she was more familiar with where they live. She doesn't know the area where we are. The BM had a hard time choosing between us. I guess that's a way to make the decision on who should raise your child, but it's not one I would choose if I were in that situation. When our worker called I could tell she was on the verge of tears. She felt so bad because she feels like she's always getting our hopes up only to give us bad news. I told her that we were fine. We know that when we're called for the child that's meant to be with us, it will all work out. I know that everything will be decided in God's time, not our time.

Today, we had our annual performance reviews out of no where. We usually get a couple of days notice, but this time I got my meeting notice 10 minutes before the meeting. But I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I'm being promoted to Analyst II. I was shocked actually. I'm glad that all my hard work is being noticed. I got a great raise too. I was smiling from ear to ear all day. Rob and I are going out Saturday to celebrate.

Today was a good day.

Can't hold my tongue any longer

I said that I wouldn't talk about the octobitch on my blog, but I'm sick and tired of seeing stories about her. Will someone please explain to me why the hell anyone is giving her anything? This was not some accident or "miracle". This loony toon had IVF and had 8 babies at 1 time. This was done deliberately, and she should have to deal with the consequences of CHOOSING to be single and have 14 kids! I still want to know how someone with no job and on assistance can get IVF when there are actual hardworking women that are not a drain on society that can't afford it? I thought it was bad when I had to start going to get WIC for my foster son, and I had to be around all these lazy ass women milking the government for everything they can get. But oh no....this crazy bitch has taken the cake and expects everyone to give her more because she "deserves it".

I love that I keep running into other bloggers that say it's wrong not to help her with the kids because if we don't then we're punishing the kids. The best help for those kids would be getting away from her! There are lots of wonderful, loving couples that can't afford IVF or that fertility treatments won't work for that would love to adopt those kids. Just because she had them doesn't make her the best choice to raise them. That woman needs a lot of shock therapy and a padded room.

Now Rob tells me about an article he found that talks about her new house that was purchased with donations. A $535,000 house purchased with effing donations?! Hello people we have people that have always been hard working, but just had some bad luck and lost their jobs and their homes that no one is reaching out to help. But yet people want to give money to Nadya Suleman so she can live in luxury while she sucks on the government teet just because she happens to be a human version of a cat! This makes no sense at all! Everyday there's a new story of her stupidity and everyday someone steps up to give her something. What the hell is wrong with people?

If you want to help kids then donate to a children's cancer or diabetes research fund, volunteer as a Big Brother Big Sister, become a foster parent, become a CASA Advocate...DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN GIVE THIS WOMAN $$$$$!

Stupid Requests

It's amazing how much the foster parent classes and the situations differ than the real world. I know that I haven't experienced anything that can compare to the trials and tribulations of other foster parents. And I tip my hat to them for being able to endure the psychotic birth parents, lazy workers, blind judges to reach out and care for these children. I've learned a lot over the past 5 months we've had Fuzzy (the name that won the poll). And this week I learned that I'm supposed to serve as his mother, but still be an outsider that doesn't need to be told anything by his CW. Monday, the daycare told Rob that the CW had told them to hold off feeding Fuzzy in the mornings that they visit so his BM could feed him. WTF? You want his caregivers to deprive him of food when he's hungry so she can "practice"? It would be different if you all every showed up on a consistent day and time. Then plans could be made to accommodate you. But since you may show up at 9:30 on Thursdays for a couple of weeks and then all of a sudden you show up at 2 PM on Tuesday or Friday without a call to anyone. NO ONE is going to not feed the child because you might bring his BM by to visit. Screw you and your stupid demands hidden behind the veil of a request. Hey CW did you ever think to call me and tell me your plans so that maybe we could adjust Fuzzy's feeding schedule so that it would be ok for him to wait until 9-10 in the morning to eat? The problem is that you don't think!

Today, I found out that the CW also told the daycare to not change his diapers so that his BM could do it when she gets there. Ummmmm....NO! I'm not going to have to deal with diaper rash so BM to play house with a real baby instead of a toy. I can't believe that someone that has a child of her own and is supposed to be a trained professional would tell people to not change and feed a baby knowing that consistency and timeliness are not her strong suits. The CW seems to be more interested in the BM's happiness than the child's care. I could care less if BM is happy or unhappy. All I care about is Fuzzy's happiness and well being.

It's my Life

More Tears

I found out Thursday from the daycare (remember I said the daycare and not the caseworker) that Squeaky's BM will go from weekly visits to twice a week visits next week. I called the CW to see why the case plan changed and we were alerted to this by his daycare. Why the hell should I be finding out info from the daycare? The CW claimed that she was going to call me and let me know as soon as they ironed out the days that she would be visiting. Supposedly their department has gotten a complete overhaul via a new case plan manager/creater or whatever this person is, and this new person felt that S could not fully bond with his BM only seeing her once a week. I understand that in my head, but it doesn't make my heart accept it any easier. I love this child, he's my son. The thought of losing him makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of going back to only being the mother of an angel scares me. The thought of coming home without him brings tears instantly to my eyes. I'm sitting here blogging after giving him 4 different medicines and his morning bottle while he plays on the floor. Now he's giving me a huge grin while he eats a singing turtle. I'm finally a mother to someone that needs me to care for them, and that could all end at any time. I knew the risk going into this, but there's no way to prepare yourself for this. I don't want to go back to the childless life I had before. He's my love, my little boy. I let myself get comfortable in the lie that his CW told us when they placed him with us. We thought it was a high probabilty that he would be adoptable, but it seems like every other day that option is vanishing. I've read the stories of people being told the same thing only to have the child sent back to the parents a year or more later, but I prayed that we would be different. I prayed that I had carried enough of a cross that we would get to be the blessed ones this time. I'm trying to keep my hopes up and just put things in God's hands. I'm trying...

I Won!!!

I'm so flattered that today I got nominated for an award twice. Yep, I go from never getting an award to 2 in one day! WooHoo! I'm glad that my ramblings have been seen as inspirational to some people. I was nominated by Colleen and Gina. Thank you very much ladies! So the rules of this honor are to:

Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
And be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

These blogs are some of my favorites. Some of them have compelled me to keep trying. Some have taught me and some have made me cry. I have a lot of blogs that I read so this is a short list for me. So the crowns go to:

http://afostermamaslife.blogspot.com/
http://foreveramom.blogspot.com/
http://mynewnormal.blogspot.com/
http://prayingforbaby.blogspot.com/
http://bringinggabrielhome.blogspot.com/
http://deadbabyjokes.blogspot.com/index.html
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/
http://waititngforbabygarcia.wordpress.com/
http://foster2adoptnewbies.blogspot.com/
http://oduamy.com/blog/
http://barrenbride.wordpress.com/

Squeaky

I've decided that it's time for Squeaky to have a new name. When we got him he squeaked all the time, but now he rarely does. He's a lot more vocal now and has his own distinct personality. There's a poll over on the side bar ------>
to select your favorite or just comment here if you have a suggestion that's not listed. Here's the meanings behind the names:

1. Thumper because he loves to jump all the time. He loves his exersaucer because it bounces. He bounces on us, the floor, his high chair, his car seat, everywhere.

2. Fuzzy is a variation on what Rob calls him. He calls him Fuzzhead because of his hair and the fact that the child seems to be a magnet for fuzz. I comb and brush his hair twice a day, and I spend the rest of the time picking fuzz out. Also after his hair is washed he sports a nice mushroom shaped fuzzy afro until Mama attacks his head with moisturizer.

3. Tic Toc (my fav) is because of his favorite sound to make. He makes a very sharp, distinct clicking sound with his mouth and tongue. No one has been able to replicate it, but we get pretty close. He will try to communicate via clicking, and gets a kick out of it if you click back. We've had so many people amazed by this small baby making such a loud, different sound over and over.

4. Smiley is because of ths huge toothless grins he loves to give. I just love his smile and I've taken so many pictures of it. His whole face lights up when he does it, and my heart melts everytime.

So will everyone please vote to help me out. Thanks!

More Stupidity

Yesterday morning I got a frantic message on my cell about 10:45 from S's social worker. "Call me back as soon as possible. I need to talk to you." I was worried as to what the problem was so I called her back. Social worker was calling because she and the BM were upset and concerned that they went to visit S at the daycare that morning and he didn't have a jacket. His BM wanted to take him outside to play during the visit. WHAT THE FUCK! Yes, usually I say WTF, but this story deserves the full phrase. You called me sounding like the world was coming to an end, frightening me to bitch about a jacket! It's fucking 45 degrees outside! Why the hell are you taking a 7 month old outside to "play"? I explained to her that he had on a jacket that I took with me after I dropped him off because it had spit up on it. I would be bringing another one when I picked him up that evening. She said ok and hung up. I was still in shock that she called me upset over this and that she is dumb enough to think it's ok to go along with the BM wishes to take a sick baby outside in the cold and wind to play. UGHHHHHH! Who's going to have to stay up at night with him and take off work to take him to the doctor when he gets sicker because some stupid teenager wants to play outside with a baby? The social worker and the stupid teenager will be sleeping and going about their lives while I have to take care of the baby they got sicker. And you know that BM will try to blame us for getting him sicker.

When I got to the daycare at noon to give S his breathing treatments, his caregiver told me that the social worker and BM were bitching and complaining that he didn't have a jacket. They said "He's already sick, why doesn't she have a jacket for him?" The daycare worker offered his blanket if they really had to take him outside, but the decided to stay inside. After talking to the daycare, I decided that I needed to call my home development worker and S's worker back. I know I didn't say everything I wanted to say to S's worker, and I want our worker to know the shit that they are doing. But when I called I couldn't get in touch with either of them, but I'm not done. I will talk to both of them on Monday. I have documented everything from the time of the visit and the temp outside. I know that I'm not wrong in thinking that S did not need to be outside "playing". It's freaking February not April!

I really feel like his worker is looking for things to be wrong with us. I know his BM has the whole time we've had him. The worker visited us Monday for our monthly visit. She asked us if we give S any water to drink. We said no. His doctor said he doesn't need any. He gets plenty from formula and the diluted juice we give him. The worker said that BM was concerned because she saw during one of their visits that the other babies at the daycare had water in the fridge, but S didn't. One how the hell do you know what the other babies' water was for? Did you ever think that it may be for formula. Everyone doesn't send pre-made bottles like we do. Two why the hell are you looking at what other parents' send for their kids you have no clue why that child has the things that they have. S is not dehydrated nor does he want for anything. We give him everything he needs. I knew that things like this would happen being a foster parent, but it still pisses me off to no end.

I'm almost 2 weeks into my Nutrisystem, and I'm still going strong. I was worried that my D&D/ Valentine's Day weekend off would mess things up, but I made it through without much of a problem. Today I weighed and I'm down 10.2 pounds! I'm so happy. I've got a long way to go, but I'm moving in the right direction.I just have to keep making healthy choices instead of caving to my cravings for junk.

Taking Advice

Every once in a while I will get a fortune cookie that has some decent advice in it. Last night everyone in our house felt like crap in one way or another. So after finally getting the baby to bed, Rob and I took our sick butts to bed early too. I kind of had the munchies so I grabbed a leftover fortune cookie that was sitting on my night stand. I broke it open and started to chow down. I finally read the fortune, and it really hit home with me.

"Only you can change your life. No one can do it for you."

After the past few weeks at work, and the general uncertainty surrounding my job this little fortune was just what I needed. I've been praying for an answer on what I should do, and now I know.

moar funny pictures

I truly believe that there will be in a Wal-Mart in heaven and one in hell. The ones that are in my town and the next town over will be the flagships of the chain in hell. I went last night because I needed to pick up some things to hang wall decor in the nursery and also pack up more of Squeaky's too small clothes. I also wanted to run by Big Lots and raid the Nutrisystem shipment that they got in recently. So I figured we would save gas and go to the walmart that's across the street from where we would be. It's always a ton of fun going shopping with S if he's awake so saving time is always my main objective.

We get to the store which is arranged differently than any other walmart I've ever been in, and makes no sense. Things that are usually near each other are on opposite sides of the store in this place. So after wandering all over the store for our items, we finally checkout with the idiot cashier that has no idea how to ring up a buy one get one free coupon. OMG! He scanned the item and the scanned the coupon and then looked confused. So he voided the item and went to ask someone about the coupon. Then he tried again and then he went to ask the same person another question. We went through this 3 times. And you guessed it, he effing over charged me. I get home and I have been changed for 3 bottles of cleaner, given one free when I only purchased 2 bottles of cleaner! Ughhhhh! It just pisses me off to no end to be overcharged. I don't steal from your store so don't steal from my purse! It will cost me more than the overcharge amount to go back over there to talk to customer service.

Then today I got to check to see why I still haven't gotten an email from walmart about my item I bought online and had shipped to the store on Jan. 29. I've been checking for weeks to see if it was there yet. But the site kept saying it had an estimated delivery date of 2-18. I checked today and it's been sitting in the effing store since 2/11. WTF! No email, not nothing. But it's not like they forgot to take my money for the item 3 weeks ago! Now I have to take the baby back to the store (a different one than the one last night) and deal with more dumbasses to get my comforter set tonight. I freaking hate that store sometimes! I hope I don't whoop somebody's ass tonight.

Weekend

Our Valentine's day was pretty nice. It got off to a slow start, but it ended up well. I had a hair appointment early that morning because I could not take have a head full of nappy hair any longer. That took longer than I expected since the lady doing my hair overbooked herself. So I had fun being crammed into a small shop that's about 12x12 with 8 other people. But that's what you have to put up with sometimes to save money.

We took S to stay with my mom for the night, but she couldn't keep him overnight like last time since she had to be at church early the next morning. After dropping him off, Rob and I ran by Toys R Us to get some diapers because I had a $5 off coupon that was expiring that day. Isn't that romantic? I tried to make the trip as short as possible because it was Valentine's day, and I was looking forward to actually going out this year.

After we left the store, we swung by the cemetery to take Madison the v-day balloon and new pinwheel. Then we ran home to get dressed for a nice dinner out. We decided to go to our favorite Greek restaurant since it's kind of expensive so we don't get there very often. We had a nice time talking and reminiscing. After dinner we came home and cuddled on the couch for a while before we went to pick up the baby.

Today, we have been listening to Squeaky cry, scream, yell, beat, flail, holler, and just plain bitch all day. We think he's finally cutting his first tooth. You can feel it trying to come through. So I know he's hurting, but it's still irritating to listen to. Orajel and pain reliever helped, but he refused to not be held for more than a few minutes at a time. So I haven't gotten much of anything done today. I was able to get a big chunk of the nursery decor changed while Rob occupied S since the new crib set I bought came in Friday night. It's so cute! I'll post pictures as soon as I'm done.

Here's a picture of one of the few minutes that S was not being held or screaming today. Poor little guy, I'll be glad when we're past this process.

Progress

Squeak visited his new doctor on Monday, and he's getting better. Rob took him to the visit and he said that the nurses were very nice and loving with S. The nurse that treated him read over the medical journal that I put together to show all of the visits we've had with no success with the previous doctor. She agreed with us that Squeak's cough and congestion was bad and not "normal" for this area like we've been told before. She put him on the breathing treatments that I've been trying to get for so long without even being asked. She also put him on a new decongestant and refilled one of his better ones that he had been on. Then she sent Rob and S over the the medical mall to have S x-rayed to make sure that there wasn't anything else going on. The x-rays look fine, and he will be going for a follow up visit in 2 weeks. I thank God that we've finally gotten S in to see a real health care professional and not some money grubbing, arrogant asshole!

The breathing treatments have gone ok so far. He fought the 1st couple sessions, but the last 2 he's taken like a trooper. He's been a handful the past 2 days. He alternates between very needy, pissed off, or really giggly.

Tomorrow is our recertification home visit, and I think we've gotten most of the house ready. I just need to vaccume and run the dishwasher. The day after tomorrow is Rob's birthday, and I'm still not sure what we're doing for it. I'm waiting for him to decide. He's already got his gift since it came in hella early from QVC. I got him a netbook or a mini laptop whatever you want to call it. And he's been playing on it for over a week now. I wanted to get something big and something he's been wanting for a while. And easy payments made that a lot more affordable. I just thought about something; he's gotten a computer for his birthday last year and this year. The one last year was a desktop that he had to assemble for the bottom up. I really did marry a huge computer nerd, but I love him anyway.

Frustrated

I've been so tired and frustrated every day I leave work for the past few months, and it's just getting worse and worse every day. I know my job is the reason why my blood pressure has been out of control, and now I'm back on 3 meds instead of 2. Our department was understaffed already with 4 of us doing the work for about 10 people. And now we're down to 2 people. And if you think I'm being paid anymore for all this extra work you're a moron. Nope, we're supposed to "keep our heads down and keep working" like our VP said. To me that's Politically correct code for " Don't pay attention while we butt rape you, and throw you away like a $2 whore as soon as the merger is complete." Moral is so low, it's virtually nonexistent. I've avoided looking for a job outside of the company for a while because I didn't want to leave the company. It's not like there are a lot of decent paying jobs in our town, and right now we can't move away or we would lose Squeaky. I worked for 2 years to get this job so it's hard to just give it up for some dead end job or worse yet going back to the pits of hell aka Chase. I've been talking to my friend, Scott, about another job option that's available to me. But it would be a complete change in careers. Actually a complete change in life. The past 2 days we've been moving heavy ass boxes full of dusty files and binders since we've just consolidated offices. I know we'll be doing the same thing Monday and possibly Tuesday. My back, legs, and feet are killing me, and I need a manicure like no one's business.

Squeaky is sick as usual. He's not too sick to play or eat, but his cough and chest congestion is horrible. You can just feel the rattling in his chest accompanied with his constantly running nose. I finally got him appointment with a new doctor on Monday, and I'm praying that this one does his job and gets him well. It's so freaking hard to find a doctor in our area (actually I've checked in a 40 miles radius) that takes Medicaid. My life would be so much easier if I could just put S on my insurance. Then he could go to any doctor I wanted. I don't think I'm being a nervous mother when I keep taking my child to the doctor because he's been sick since we got him in September! WTF?!!! That's almost 5 months and not to mention the fact that I know he was sick before we got him! He doesn't deserve to never be a healthy normal child sometimes. I'll make a list of all the meds S has been given over the past few months that haven't cleared things up to show the new doctor so we don't end up with the same med again. I need results. I'll let everyone know how the doctor visit goes on Monday.

We also have to get our house cleaned up for our re-certification evaluation with our new home development worker on Wednesday. It doesn't seem like it's been 6 months since we got certified. We will finally get to meet our new worker since the one that certified us moved to a new office back in October. I need to fill out the paperwork she sent us too. But first I need to find it in all of the piles of mail on my desk.