Moving on

Well, the witch, bitch, evil aunt flow showed up today. I'm not even stressing about it this time because we really didn't try. It was too much work to even really track my cycle like I should, and there is no way I'm taking any clomid for a while. I don't need raging anger on top of being tired as hell. I do plan to ease my way back into the conception game starting this cycle. I will go back to taking my temps since I'm getting up a regular time every day now, and that will help me verify that I've ovulated. But I think I have been ovulating the past couple of cycles on my own which is wonderful!

Tonight we will take the little man to our church for Trick R Trunk dressed as a chili pepper. Mama loves peppers! Then we will be lazy and have some food from our favorite Chinese restaurant delivered while we sit on the couch and watch the Ghost*hunters marathon on Sci*Fi. I love that show. There's not really much else you can do for a 3 month old for Halloween, but next year will be a lot more fun for him. I'll post some pictures as soon as I get a chance.

Busy, busy bee

I've been working and working and working for the past couple of weeks. There seems to be a never ending supply of fires to put out at work, and we don't see an end in sight anytime soon. Monday our company announced it's merger with E*mbarq. I'm not feeling good about this simply based on my history with mergers. I've gone through 2 in the past and both times I lost my job. I'm 28 freaking years old! I just hope that I'm not the one to go home this time. It's not like there are a lot of good careers in my town, and with us having Squeaker we can't move. I finally have a baby, and I'm not letting go of him without a fight.

We should be having our 1st home visit this Thursday since S was placed with us in September. So I've been working through lunch and after work to make up the time I will be away from the office for this visit. His worker should come by our house that morning and then take him for his weekly parental visit. She will drop him back at the daycare when his visit is over. I'm not sure what to expect from this visit, but I've been cleaning the house and trying to make sure I have things in order when she gets here. It's hard to keep the house neat and clean when you work all day and have a small baby. The laundry piles up, things get dropped here and there, and dishes don't get washed everyday just so we can spend as much time with S when we're at home. S's favorite babysitters are keeping him tomorrow evening so I will be cleaning house during that free time.

Rob and I skipped our 10 year class reunion this past weekend. I've had several friends email me that they missed me being there, but neither of us wanted to spend $70 for a thrown together reunion. It never seemed really organized to me. They actually organized the whole thing over freaking M*yspace...WTF? We're how freaking old? Maybe we'll go to the 20th reunion. LOL!

Well, I better get to bed because morning comes very, very quickly.

Shitty Day

....Nuf said.

Doing Better

Well, little Squeaker had a horrible night Saturday so mama took things into her own hands Sunday night. I'll leave it at that, no need for the gross details. But he's doing much better now and we hope to keep things flowing correctly. He's asleep right now on the couch. I think he's about to have a nice growth spurt since he's been sleeping a lot more the past couple of days. I forgot to mention that Squeaker is 13 pounds and 25 inches! My big boy or should I say long boy :) He's a little below average for weight, but he's in the 105% percentile for height. I am upset with myself because I cut off all of my nails and filed them smooth once I almost scratched S a couple of times. But today somehow I managed to scratch him on his forehead when I was repositioning him on my lap. I wanted to cry. I just hope that it doesn't leave a scar :(

We've been spending the past week trying to figure out who we're going to get to replace our patio door and do some roof repairs. I just hated to pay some huge chain an outrageous install fee for a freaking patio door. I don't think that the install should cost almost double the price of the door! But we've got a contractor lined up to come next Monday to change our broken sliding door into a beautiful french door! I'm so excited! He's got great references and has been in business for himself for almost 25 years so I feel that he will do a good job for us.

Our 1st home visit with S's case worker is next Monday also. I hope that goes well. Rob called her today to find out what we needed to do to get permission to take him with us in November to my brother and his girlfriend's baby shower in Dallas. She says it's not a problem especially since we've given her almost 4 weeks advance notice. She also says no one ever gives her that much notice, but I just wanted to be on the safe side. I'm looking forward to the trip, and I started today buying baby gifts for my new niece.

I've been dealing with a sick baby on and off all week. R (which I will now refer to as Squeaky) had his first immunizations on Tuesday. For some reason the other foster parents didn't take him for his 1 month shots so he had to make up that shot this time too. He got a shot in both legs and it broke my heart to watch him look at me and cry, and there was no way for me to really make it better. I held him and rocked him for a few minutes and he finally stopped crying and calmed down. He went to sleep soon after that, and I took him to daycare so I could go to work. By the time I picked him up he had been fussy all day. He ran a fever most of the night and just cried and whined so much. I felt so helpless. Thank God he was better the next day, but now he's battling constipation. My poor baby has not pooed in days. Everything I try is not working. He's still eating and has not vomited or anything like that. His doctor changed his formula to a soy formula a month ago, but we've only been on it for about 2 weeks now. I would rather have him gassy and spitting up than be constipated and in pain like that. I'm praying that he gets better tonight or tomorrow because if not he's going back to the doctor Monday. Please pray for my little guy because I can't imagine how hard it is to be so small and have to deal with that.

Remembrances

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. So all across the country and even the world people will be remembering our tiniest angels. I woke up this morning after taking care of a sick baby last night and thought about my little princess and my other little sweet pea that left too soon. I always try not to cry when I think about them, but it's hard not too. I miss them both so much. But today I want to think of all the good things that I remember.

I remember getting the best gift on Christmas morning 2005 when I saw the words "Pregnant" on that test stick. I ran and woke Rob up at 5 in the morning screaming and crying tears of joy. I remember the 1st time we saw Maddie's little beating heart. And the day when confirmed that we were having a little girl. She was full of attitude already. She kept turning her back on the ultrasound tech that was trying to confirm the sex. I remember one night when I was home alone a song I like came on. I got up and started doing the electric slide and she just jumped and kicked and moved in my tummy. I read to her almost every night, and I could feel her calm down and probably go to sleep. I remember when she kicked Rob in the ear when he got too close to my stomach. Yep, we had a feisty daughter. Madison had light brown ringlet curls and long, long legs. She was going to be tall like her mama and uncle. I can't wait to see her again and hold her again. She will never be forgotten nor replaced in our hearts. Mama loves you, Madison Sherina Renee!

Here are a couple of things that I've collected over the past 2 years from other angel mamas. One is a beautiful poem that I really love. The other is a wonderfully touching song "Homesick Angel" by Cadillac Sky that brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. Make sure to listen to the words. It's beautiful.

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.

Love Heals Your Heart by Third Day

Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you’re able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it’s hard to understand
How we’re trapped inside

When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Missing Pieces

I'm sitting here listening to a group of people talk about being pregnant and having more kids. They talk about how wonderful being pregnant is until your last month when you're so tired and big. They gush over how the newest preggo is belly is showing. They ask her if her little boy is getting excited about being a big brother. My kids will never know their big sister, my niece that is due to born in January will never know her cousin, Madison. No matter how many kids I have there will always be a missing piece of my heart and of my life. I don't think the pain ever truly goes away. You just learn to live with it better and better, but sometimes the pain is as raw as it was in the beginning. My eyes have started to blur as I try to hold back the tears. I hate to cry at work.

*I started this post a couple of days ago and just never finished it.


I have a baby at home with me right now that needs me, but I still can't help the fact that I'm still not fulfilled. I need to get pregnant again and we both need to make it this time. I think in my heart I will always fill incomplete until I conquer my body. I guess that sounds weird to be at war with your own body, but I am. My body is what betrayed me 2 years ago. A part of me wants to show the world and mainly my evil, evil godmother that I am not a fat failure. I don't have to be 150 pounds to have a healthy baby. I can still hear her voice in the back of my head saying that if I wasn't so fat this wouldn't have happened. It's like the classroom scene from A Christmas Story where Ralphie's teacher dressed as an evil witch and his mom dressed as a jester are taunting him over and over "You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out!" and laughing in his face about the one thing in the world he wants more than anything. I've tried for years to silence the voice in the back of my head. I haven't spoken to my godmother since that day in the hospital. But yet her voice is still there mocking my loss, mocking me, taunting me. I will prove that witch wrong one day... I will give birth to my little earth angel.

Progress!

After over 3 weeks of phone calls to R's old doctor, new doctor,medicaid, and case worker I finally got him an appointment on Monday with the new doctor! I only had to call the old doctor every couple of hours for 2 days straight for them to fax over 1 freaking sheet of paper. ONE SHEET OF PAPER!!!!! The only record they claimed to have was his discharge paper, but it was enough for the new doctor to finally let us make an appointment. So Monday morning R will see his new pediatrician after I fill out a ton of paperwork. But it's worth it to finally have him moved to a new doctor, and to finally have his chest congestion looked at. He came to us with it, and after all the vaporizers, sleeping at an incline, and such he still has it. It's not bothering him, but it's bothering me. My poor little rattling baby. We still don't have a shot record, but I will check with the doc to see what he wants us to do because I plan to take him for his 2 month shots this week since he's late.

We also have to go back to the WIC office to get his formula vouchers re-issued. Even after getting a copy of the form that his doctor filled out changing his formula to a soy formula they still had him in the system for the regular E*nfamil lipil with iron. I didn't notice the error before I left because I was too busy trying to get the hell out of there once they called my name. So we will run by there before his doctor's visit since they're about a mile away. Pray for me that this visit is quick and painless as possible.

Shower

My co-workers threw myself and one of the other ladies in our department a small shower today. Her daughter just had a baby girl last week, and it's only right to make sure that the proud grandma has supplies. But since both her daughter and I have mostly everything we need for our babies they decided to throw us a diaper shower. What parent of an infant doesn't need diapers? I loved it! I ended up with 2 big containers of wipes, and 4 packs of Swaddlers and Huggies. I also got some burp cloths, comb and brush set, a cute bib, and a hat and bootie set. I wasn't expecting this at all. We were just supposed to have a group pizza lunch in one of the conference rooms. And this show couldn't have come at a better time because we were going to the store tomorrow to get more diapers for the house! I can now save that money for another day. :)

I also got a call from one of the CASA workers (Court Appointed Special Advocates) this evening. She's in charge of talking to the foster parents and getting a Christmas list from them for the kids. Each of the volunteers is assigned a child, and they always like shopping for the little ones. I wasn't expecting this call so I had no idea what to ask for besides a floor activity mat and any age appropriate toys they can come up with. She got all of R's sizes, and asked me what would be a dream gift I would like for him. I said that he would love to have a swing that goes side to side instead of the back and forth like our swing does. He's usually in the side to side swing at day care when I pick him up, but he rarely likes to swing in our normal back and forth swing. I think it's wonderful that there are people out there looking out for him and the other foster kids to make sure that they will have a merry Christmas with lots of gifts. I'm looking forward to Christmas this year since things will be totally different now that he's with us.

Soapbox Time

I had the misfortune to have my first "appointment" at the WIC office yesterday to get R's next set of vouchers for his formula. I really wonder if yesterday was a test from God to see if I could keep myself from beating the crap out of people. My "appointment" was for 8:30. I got to the office a little before 8 since Rob has to be at work for 8, and his office is a few blocks away. I sat in my car for about 10 minutes, and decided to go in and wait. I finally find where I'm supposed to go, and there are 6 people already there. I go to sign in and I notice that we all have the same "appointment" time. I take a seat in the middle of the room as I try to ignore all the big pregnant bellies and small babies. Over the next 20 something minutes another 25 people show up, all either with bellies, babies, or bellies and babies. This is an infertile's nightmare!!!!

I notice that a lot of the women there are wearing designer clothes, pushing huge expensive travel systems, and carrying designer diaper bags. I listen to several conversations that range from a couple of women mentioning that this is kid # 4, 5, or 6. One talked about how her other 3 kids are with her mom now, and she was mad that the state lowered her food stamps to only $600 a month now that the kids are gone. WTF?! One woman that looked very strung out talked about hoping to keep this baby since "they took the other 3". There were a couple of guys there with their baby mamas, and I couldn't help but wonder why they weren't at work? No one talked about work or needing to get to work they only talked about material things and how much $$ they get from the state from this program or that program, and I wonder if any of them hold jobs?

I couldn't help but get angry that these people can lay on their backs all day, pop babies out left and right, and I have to take care of them. I have to budget and shop sales, but they can live high on the hog! After telling my co-worker about my "appointment" she asked "what are we doing wrong that we have to work and work for what we get while others just get hand outs?" And my reply was the problem is that We Work! If we were sorry enough not to work when we could we could get hand outs too.

This "appointment" was finally started with a class on eating fruits and veggies that I had to sit through. I've known since I was a little kid that you have to eat fruits and veggies! But obviously some people don't know that. After the class they started to hand out the vouchers. But instead of fucking going by the sign-in sheet they just printed out all of the vouchers and started randomly calling names. People who came in 20-30 minutes after me got their stuff first. Why the fuck did you have me sign-in and put what time I got here if that wasn't going to be used for a damn thing! I understand that you're used to working with people that have nothing else to do all day, but sit and wait, but some of us work for a freaking living! Thank God I was called pretty quickly.

I don't understand why they put foster parents through this like we're the ones asking for the hand outs. This is part of the state's package that they provide for the child we're caring for. Most foster parents work outside of the home so for us to come to your office and sit around is not fair. I think I would rather pay for his formula myself than have to sit in that WIC office every couple of months to get some vouchers! I don't understand why we can't be like other states, and be able to get the baby's formula from the social worker's office. That would make life so much easier. No group "appointments", no waiting around with 30 other people hoping that your name gets called early, and no more being stuck in a room full of women that are like cats that have a litter every time they go in heat. Yeah, I said it and I could care less if I offend anyone! Don't breed 'em, if you can't feed 'em. I know that there are some people that are hard working, trying to make ends meet that genuinely need assistance, and they should be able to get it. But for the majority of the people in the system that's not the case. I agree with an email I read a few weeks back about Bill Cosby should run for president. One of the 1st lines was that "All federal and state assistance will be paid out at the end of either a 40 hour work week or full week of school attendance. No one is going to pay you to do nothing!"

Neglected

I can't believe that it's been so long since I've updated my blog. I never go this long, but since R joined us I just haven't had much time. I spend all my free time at work doing things for him like calling his worker or calling doctors. Yes, we still haven't gotten his pediatrician transferred. The new doc faxed the records request to his old doc this past Monday. I called the new doc Friday to check on the status and hopefully get him in for his shots, but they haven't heard anything from the old doc. I tried several times Friday to get someone with the old doc on the phone to no avail. So Monday morning I will try again, and if I don't have something done by noon I'm calling his worker again. She can deal with this. She's about 15 minutes from the old doc's office so she can go by there without a problem. If the old doc wasn't an hour away from us I would show up there myself. It's ridiculous. Just fax the damn records. It's not like it's brain surgery!

We're getting used to our new schedule. Rob and I are getting up bright and early each day to make sure that R is fed, changed, and ready for daycare by 7:15 each morning. Since we're sharing a car we drop R off first and then I drop Rob off, and then I make my way back across town to my office all by about 7:50 or so. It's funny that having a baby in the house is making us get to work early now. We used to get lucky to both get to work on time! Once I get off I pick up R and then go pick up Rob at 6:30. Then we have to try to cook dinner, do laundry, clean and make bottles, and get to bed as early as possible because the morning comes very quickly.

Last weekend we visited Rob's grandparents, uncle, and aunt, and they all are in love with R. It was so cute to see Papaw just light up talking about teaching R to fix things and make things with his hands. I hope he gets to pass all his knowledge on to R over the years.

Papaw and R

Aunt Marilyn with R

I'm supposed to be working on my church stuff right now, but I just had to update my blog while I had a free moment. Rob's on the couch with R so I get to work in peace. :)
I promise to try to keep things updated better because I know there are a lot of people that want to know how things are going with us. Love ya'll!

First Visit

Well, I was able to get a couple of hours off to go on the visit, and I'm glad that I did. We got lost trying to find the office since L gave Rob the worst freaking directions. The meeting place was in a town about 30 minutes away, but since both of us went to college there we know our way around. Instead of telling him the most direct route, she supposedly gave him an easier way to get there and didn't even give him the street address. Hell if we had the address we could have just put it in the GPS and let it guide us if we needed it. She gave him all kinds of "landmarks" to look for that were no where near the office. And the biggest and most well known landmark that's right across the street she didn't even mention. We ended up being about 20 minutes late for the visit. But I could care less because L had enough time to leave the office to go get the mom, but couldn't get transportation for R to get there.

When we walked in his mom came out of no where and grabbed him from me, and started slathering him with kisses while his little head bobbled back and forth like a bobble head doll. L reminded her to support his head. Rob ended up supervising the visit for about 20 minutes while L and I went to her office to discuss my problems. She apologised for not helping us more, and started calling the doctors to get things taken care of so R can get his records transferred to a doctor here. Hopefully that problem will be over soon. I'm tired of playing phone tag with doctors and Medicaide.

I didn't get a good look at R's mom when we got there, but I got plenty of time to check her out since we were in the room with her the whole time. The biggest impression I got from her is that she is young and completely inexperienced at taking care of a baby. She seems a little "slow" if you get my drift. She was dressed like thug too which makes me wonder even more about her and what she's in to right now. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her because you can see that she cares for R, and didn't want to let him go when the visit ended. The last thing I want is for him to be moved into the care of someone that's not ready and has no support. I want him to have the best life possible. But at the same time we're getting more and more attached to him. Our whole family is getting attached to him. It hasn't even been 2 weeks, and I don't want to think about him not being here.

When we were getting ready to leave, I let her put him in his car seat and showed her how to buckle him in. She told us thank you. I told her I was praying for her. It's all I can do. I'm praying for everyone that's involved.

Here's some more pictures of our little man that I took last week.

Visit

R has a visit today with his birthmom at noon. I'm still trying to decide if I will go because I'm almost out of PTO at work. I really want to go to see his mom and to talk to the case worker face to face. The case worker has pissed me off so much in this last week. We will call her L. L is fairly new, she's only been doing this for a year. So I was trying to be understanding with her, but that has changed. Now I know she's just plan lazy. The only thing she's done so far is get R's daycare taken care of after I told her where I wanted him to go. She has not helped us at all in figuring out how to get him to a doctor. She told us to just call around and find him a doctor. But since we're his new foster parents his old doctor won't give us anything. They want his case worker to handle it, but she keeps telling us to do it. I can't get in touch with her supervisor at all. She doesn't return messages. The supervisor just tells L to call us, and then we get the same song and dance from L again. I've been on the phone everyday since last week trying to figure out how to get this baby to a doctor. At this point it's nothing serious he just has congestion and a rattle in his chest ,but I would like to have the doctor check out. Also it's time for his 2 month vaccinations. So I'm leaning towards going and working late to make up my missed time so I can talk to his case worker face to face.

Oh Baby, baby, baby

Sorry it's taken me so long to update everyone, but this has been a huge adjustment for all of us. We've never had a baby in the house so we're still new to a lot of things. All the days and nights I spent caring for my goddaughter were only a small glimpse into what it's like being a parent. Plus we're dealing with a baby that's been moved from the only home he's known to a new home in 1 day. But I think we're doing good so far. For the most part R is a good baby, but I was not prepared for how needy he is. It's so hard to get him to let you put him down without lots and lots of crying. He can't stand the sling/carrier at all. I've tried a couple of times with no success. I will probably try so more in the future because that would really help us by freeing our hands, but still having him close to us since he needs that. We made the rounds to see everyone from my co-workers to my parents, Rob's parents, and our church family. Everyone just loves him.

The first night he was here bedtime was horrible. He cried and screamed and cried some more. It took over an hour to get him to lay in the crib for a few minutes without crying. He slept for about 3 hours that night. I stayed home with him on Thursday and Friday, and we made it through without too many rough spots. He slept much better those nights. Friday I went to check out the daycare he will be going to next week. The place looks great and all the kids seem very happy. It's about a mile from our house and my office so that's a huge plus. R and I did some shopping after we dropped Rob off at work. We went and wandered around Target and Best Buy for a couple of hours. R slept the whole time!Saturday, we went to the company picnic for a while. It was OK. We got there too late to play bingo, and that's my main reason to go. They give awesome prizes like huge gift cards and nice electronics. The first time I went to the picnic I won a DVD/VCR player so I've been hooked ever since. But this year I was too tired to get up early enough to make it there. Since it's difficult to get him to sit by himself awake we have to take turns getting ready. I got dressed first, then I dressed R, and then Rob was able to get dressed. Then there's making sure I have everything packed. I feel like a pack mule now a days. We did some shopping after the picnic and went out to the cemetery to visit our Princess. I got emotional because there is still a part of me that feels like I'm betraying her. I'm doing so much for this child that may not stay with us, and I didn't get a chance to do any of this for her. I know I'm not replacing her or betraying her. But it did bother me that I didn't wake up and remember that today was her monthly visit day. It did make me smile that as we were leaving the house for the picnic, a big monarch butterfly fly up to us and circled around the car seat. It was like she was coming to check out the new addition to the family.

Well, I've got to be at church early in the morning so I need to get to bed. So here's a picture of our new addition.

He's Here

I'm exhausted right now, and I still need to make bottles. But I wanted to let everyone know that we have our 1st placement in our home now. I haven't come up with a nickname yet so I will call him R for now. He's 7 weeks old and a cutie. The workers brought him over about 10:30 this morning with tons and tons of stuff. We got settled for a couple of hours and then started making the rounds. He's asleep right now so I will take advantage of that now and try to get some sleep. I promise to tell more soon.

Thank You!

I almost forgot to mention that a couple of days after I came home from vacation I had a big box on my doorstep. I couldn't for the life of me figure out who sent me something, then I looked at the return label. It was my wonderful prize that I won from Kris at Waiting for Keiki (great blog check it out!). I opened the package to find the most sophisticated, classy baby bag. I love it. I hope to put it to good use very soon. Thanks again!

Waiting

We got a call last night from our case worker, A, about a baby boy in a neighboring parish. He's 7 weeks old right now. The home that he was placed in when he left the hospital is not a foster to adopt home so they are wanting to get him moved to a adoptive placement. A said that she doesn't know anymore on the situation or about the baby, but she would let the baby's worker know that we are interested. The worker was supposed to call today, but so far we haven't heard anything. I was so excited last night and most of today, but now my hopes are starting to wane. It's not like I have a good track record with babies anyway. I'll let you all know what happens either way.

Home Again

We had a great vacation this year, and actually missed all of the crap Gustav decided to dish out to our area. We left Saturday morning after staying up until 3:30 trying to get all the last minute things done. We didn't want to cancel our bi-weekly gaming session, but we had planned to cut it short and end at 10. Yeah right. No one left until 1 something. At one point I was ironing clothes and playing at the same time. I'm all about the multi-tasking. The worst thing was that I forgot to finish my church stuff so I had to work on that after everyone left! But it all worked out and God blessed us with plenty of energy for the drive.

Saturday, we met my brother at his apartment, and rode with him to go out to the cemetery to visit my sister-in-law, Sherina. That day would have been her 35th birthday. It's still hard to believe that she's been gone for 3 years now. She will always be loved and missed. We left there and went to visit her mom since she wanted to see me. We haven't seen her since Sherina's funeral, but we've kept in touch. We had a nice visit with her before heading back to my brother's apartment. Then it was time to head out to Little Elm since we were going to stay with my brother's girlfriend, Janet, for a couple of days. This was cool with us since I'm trying to get to know her a lot more since she's making me an aunt in a few months. I can't wait!!! My bro took us all out to Carrabba's for dinner, and it was so yummy. I haven't had good Italian in ages. We were pretty lazy Sunday, and slept late before getting up to a nice brunch prepared by Janet. I finally got to eat at Cold Stone Creamery that day too. I'm glad I don't have one around here because that stuff would be a huge addiction for me. Fun times! Monday was another laid back day with some shopping in Frisco, and an awesome dinner at Uncle Julio's afterward. That place is amazing. Yummy fire roasted salsa with a nice amount of cilantro, tender marinated fajita beef taco, creamy, cheesy chicken enchiladas, and great chili rellenos. Everything was top notch from the service all the way through to dessert. I will definitely return when we go back to Dallas later this year.

Tuesday we left Janet's and headed out to the Natural Science museums. We spent several hours just exploring all sorts of cool stuff from Egyptian history to dinosaurs to hands-on exhibits. Yes, we are big ole' nerds, and I can't wait to go places like this when we have some kiddos in the house.
Wednesday was our actual anniversary, we struggled through the crappy parking and ultra busy streets of downtown Dallas to get to the Crow Collection of Asian Art. All of the bitching and screaming about trying to find a parking spot and the over priced parking was worth it to see that amazing collection of art. They had art from the 15th Dynasty all the way to the present day. That night we got all dressed up and headed out to dinner at a fabulous Indian restaurant, Taj Mahal. The food was divine. We had a wonderful anniversary.
Unfortunately it was time for us to head home on Thursday. We had a list of places we wanted to go by to shop at on our way home. We went by a cool comic shop and then an anime shop too. We went to Penzey's, and were like kids in a candy shop. That place is a cook's paradise. We finally got to smell and sample all kinds of spices that I had been looking at in their catalog for a while. I can't wait to use the tandoori and vindaloo spices that we got. Hopefully we can start making our own Indian foods to hold us over between visits to Dallas. We stopped off at a small Chinese food restaurant that was in the same shopping center as Penzey's for lunch, and I'm so glad that we did. That place was inexpensive and gave us a delicous meal.

We took our time getting home since we didn't know if we had lights or not. The lights had been out in our neighborhood for a couple of days at that point. Thankfully when we got home they had been on for a couple of hours. But we still lost a bunch of food which sucks. We didn't have a bunch of damage but, I'll call our insurance agent next week to have someone come out and look. There's no reason not to since our insurance will probably go up next year just like it did after Katrina. But all in all we faired pretty good, and all of our family and friends are good which is a blessing.

I did learn something new. My heithen ass cat can not be left alone in the house. That orange demon broke a bunch of my stuff, and I am still pissed off about it. Thank God he didn't get to the majority of my angel collection because I probably would have given him away at that point. I have a lot of angels that mean a lot to me because they represent my pregnancy, my daughter, and my sister-in-law. I kept them on the highest shelves I have in the hopes that he won't get up to them. He's learned how to jump on the kitchen counters too. I spent my first hour or so home cleaning up his messes. At least he kept his crap in his litter box. I have now disinfected my counter tops and everything on them several times and will keep doing that until I've broken him of that habit.

Ok, I think this post is long enough so I will shut up for now. Here's a link to all the pic I took on our trip.

http://picasaweb.google.com/AshleyD2005/3rdAnniversaryTrip#

Damn, I need to get ready for work tomorrow. Bye :(

3 Years!!!

I love you, Babycakes!!!

Still Planning

We're 3 days from leaving for our yearly vacation, and I've started my usual spreadsheets of trip stuff. I'm a planning freak, a really big one. First I made a list of every hotel that I would possibly stay in while in Dallas. Then I narrowed that down based on hotel reviews and my brother's advice. Then I took that smaller list and started mapping out the distances from each hotel to the places we plan to go to while staying there. With gas prices the way they are it only makes sense to stay somewhere that's nice and centrally located. So now I'm down to 2 hotels from that original list of 10-15. Once I narrowed down the hotels I started to figure out where we wanted to visit and how far away they are and how can I maximize my gas mileage each day. So far I've picked out 6 places for us to eat because we want to only eat places we can't eat at here. So we're going to have Indian, Chicago style pizza, Italian/Mediterranean and African cuisines. We will go to several museums and the planetarium because we are nerds through and through. So far that's all I've planned since I want us to have some time where we have no plans. It's nice to just mill around somewhere sometimes. Work and life have been so stressful for both of us over the past few months that we desperately need to get away. I can't wait to get on the road.

Yipee!!!

Nope, we didn't get called for a placement, but I'm happy none the less. We finished up Madison's quilt square on Saturday, and I rushed it to the post office that afternoon. So now it's on it's way via Priority Mail to the lady that's constructing the memorial quilt. We're about 3 weeks late getting this to her. This square took us a lot longer than last years square. I think it was partly because we were busy working on getting our classes done and home study visits done that we just kept forgetting about it. I had a general idea of what I wanted the square to be, it was just figuring our how to construct it. I designed it and Rob did all of the sewing. He did a ton of stitching of ribbon and small beads. The butterfly has a whole lot of beads on it. I love my crafty hubby. I haven't sewn anything since I was a child so I was no help in that category. I cut ribbon, put Madison's name on there, and tried to keep the cat out of the way while Rob sewed. I can't wait to see the finished project with all the squares lovingly constructed for our angel babies. I hope that this quilt raises even more than the one last year for Preeclampsia research. We're going to find a cure one day, and it's great knowing that we were a part of the journey.

Layers

I'm so tired of hurting. Everywhere I look there are babies and families. It just wears on your soul after a while. I realized today that I've on my 34 cycle of trying to conceive with nothing to show for it. I try my best to avoid things that I know will make me sad or make me cry, but I still get blindsided every now and again. I stopped watching shows like a Baby Story, and I focus on shows like Adoption Stories now. But since that show comes on while I'm at work I record it on the DVR, but the player starts taping a few seconds before the show starts a lot of the time. And usually there's a mom loving on her newborn baby on the screen when I start the recorded program. In that split second my heart breaks all over again. My hope that, that mom will ever be me is fading away. This isn't supposed to be my life. I spent so many years avoiding pregnancy, and now that I want it I can't have it. Why is it so hard? My one chance at having a baby went away before I was even completely conscious. Was I really meant for this life? Am I doing what I was put on this earth to do or am I still trying to find my way?

Tonight one of my friends who is a farmer gave a good devotion after band practice that hit home with me. He talked about how bad a field of corn looks when it's mature and ready to be harvested. It goes from these tall green stalks and leaves to yellow and brown. It all looks dead. But any farmer knows that the best part, the sweet, golden corn is just under all those layers of dead husks. We're like that corn, if you work to get through the hard parts, you'll find what you've been working for all along. I'm still working on getting through my layers, and I'm not sure when I'll reach the center.

Mandatory Metallica

I've been enjoying this week with my XM radio, and the mandatory Metallica! Metal by the best heavy metal band of all time 24 hours a day from now until September 12 when their 9th album, Death Magnetic, is released. I wish that this would be an all the time station instead of a special for a few weeks. I've loved this group since I started watching MTV back in 1986 or '87. I still remember being transfixed by the guitar and drums of Enter Sandman. And hiding in my room watching that music video that excited and freaked me out at the same time. Metallica was always a guilty pleasure of mine since it was really odd for a southern teenage black girl in the 90's to like heavy metal. Then Rob and I started dating, and I got completely immersed in all things Metallica since he's a huge fan boy of theirs. He took me to one of their concerts back in '04, and it was freaking awesome to see them live! We had only been dating a couple of months at that point, and that trip was a bonding time for us. It was the 1st time a guy had actually taken me on a real trip.We danced to their song, Nothing Else Matters, as our 1st dance at our wedding. And "our song" is Sabbra Cadabra. The name of my blog come from one of their songs. Basically I love, love, love Metallica!

"Sabbra Cadabra"

Feel so good, I feel so fine
Love that little lady always on my mind
She gives me loving every night and day
Never gonna leave her, never going away

Someone to love me
You know she makes me feel all right, yeah (all right)
Someone to need me
Love me every single night, yeah

Feel so happy since I met that girl
When we're making love
It's something out of this world
Feels so good to know that she's all mine
Gonna love that woman 'til the end of time

Someone to live for
Love me 'til the end of time, hey, hey-yeah
She makes me feel happy
It's good to know that she's all mine

I am the world that hides
The universal secret of all time
Destruction of the empty spaces
Is my one and only crime
I've lived a thousand times
I found out what it means to be believed
The thoughts and images
The unborn child that never was conceived

You gotta believe me
Hey, I'm talking to you

Well, I know, it's hard for you
To know the reason why
And I know you'll understand
More when it's time to die
Don't believe the life you have
Will be the only one
You have to let your body sleep
To let your soul live on, haha

Wo-ooh
Feel so happy since I met that girl
When we're making love
It's something out of this world
Feels so good to know that she's all mine
Gonna love that woman 'til the end of time

Someone to live for
Love me 'til the end of time, yeah, ooh, oh
She makes me feel happy
It's good to know that she's all mine
She's all mine, yeah
Yo, ooh, yeah

Relaxed

I've had one of the best weekends I've had in a while. We had some friends over to play D&D on Friday night, and all in all we had a good time. I was still pissed the hell off from work, but after some huge shots of my friend Jose I was good to go. I'm not even going to go into why I was pissed off from work because it's a long story. But it involves a lot of the same old Ashley is the lowly bitch of the department, and should jump through rings of fire to get shit done at the last minute. We had a new person come by the house Friday that wanted to watch us play since they had always wondered about the game. This person is someone that I'm trying to like and treat decently since they are in our church band, and I have to interact with them on a regular basis. But there's a part of me that thinks she's after my husband. I know Rob would never cheat on me. I may just be overreacting, but she's done several things that have rubbed me the wrong way. She has a habit of butting into our disagreements, and always taking Rob's side no matter what's being said. It's not like we're having some real fight, but she always has to jump in. I'm sorry but no one has any right to butt into a personal conversation between a husband and a wife. And now I'm stuck with her ass every other week because the rest of the group invited her to play with us. I will try to give her the benefit of the doubt, and let her play with our group. But don't get me wrong I will be watching her like a hawk because Rob is rather oblivious to things like that. And it's not beyond me to kick a bitch's ass or at the very least cuss her out while I'm kicking her out of my house.

Saturday was great. We slept late, and then had a late lunch at my favorite pizza place, Fox's. We picked up a couple of things we need to put Madison's quilt square from the fabric store. And then we just chilled out for the rest of day watching movies. We watched the 5th Highlander movie that's fairly new on dvd. And it was biggest piece of ass. It had me in pain from laughing because the movie was just that bad. I loved the TV series, but this movie was nothing like what we expected.

Today was also relaxing. We went to church then had lunch with friends. We visited Maddie, and the came home to watch more movies. I cooked a simple supper of turkey and pepperoni penne pasta with green beans. It was nice to have a slow, relaxing weekend with my hubby for once. It's been a long time and we've both enjoyed ourselves a lot.

Holding Patterns and Crap

moar funny pictures

We had our 2nd and last home study visit on Monday. It went pretty well, I think. I was pissed off at first because I got off work at 3 thinking that the visit was at 5, but the case worker showed up at 3:30! Rob made the appointment with her, but he told me that it was going to be at the same time as the 1st visit. She shows up while I'm still trying to finish up stuff around the house. I hadn't even had a chance to clean the nasty, stinky, full of crap in 1 day cat box! I had to sneak around the house while she interviewed Rob and scoop the cat poop because I knew she was going to inspect all of the rooms on this visit. It just drove me nuts to not have the house up to my standards when she got here. I guess I'm anal about stuff like that. I know that normal people don't have a spotless house, but I would at least like the kitchen counters to be clutter free. Ughhhh!

And then there was Rob and his interview. For some reason he felt the need to volunteer information about his family that was better left unsaid. I know we had the conversation about not giving any extra information that's not necessary. But at some points I felt like Rob was on a psychiatrist's couch telling his life story and his whole family's life story. God I hope that she doesn't think bad about us because of the crap that Rob's family has done over the years.

The case worker looked around the house and went through this long list of safety questions with us. She measured all of the bedrooms and checked out where we have the guns locked up. Now we're just waiting for the home study to be completed. She has all of our stuff and our references so now she has to type it all up. Her goal is to have it done by the end of the month. I was so hoping that we would have this done before then, but I'm not holding my breath. So know we're just waiting...

I've been researching and planning our anniversary trip to Dallas for the past few days. I'm trying to actually budget this trip, and find ways to stay within our budget like buying a discount book. This book has half off coupons for tons of the stuff we want to do while we're in Dallas visiting my bro, and it only cost me $2! I've found a nice hotel to stay in for our actual anniversary that's close to the Indian restaurant that we want to go to for a special dinner and the outlet malls. We'll leave here on Saturday and spend a couple of days either with my brother or with his girlfriend at her house. We haven't decided yet, but I'm leaning towards his girlfriend because she's got a better guest room and her family loves to cook and cook and cook! I'm looking forward to just getting away for a few days with nothing to do, but have fun.

Almost Ready

Our 2nd home study visit is tomorrow evening around 5, and I'm so ready to get this one over with. I've been looking forward to this visit for weeks. I hope it will be our last visit, and we can get our home study approved soon. Rob and I have been cleaning and rearranging the house all weekend. I filled up 2 huge plastic bags with clothes and shoes out of my spare closet in the 2nd bedroom that Rob will drop off at Goodwill tomorrow. And we've thrown away tons and tons of junk. I hate that we don't have any type of recycling for paper here in our area because I go through tons of paper a year with all the catalogs, flyers, and order forms that Avon sends me on a regular basis. I've almost gotten my office moved over to the computer room so that the 2nd bedroom can be a bedroom again. Now we just have to get the cat moved out of there too. We should have that room done in the next month or two at the latest. We just have a few things left to do tomorrow to get the house back the way I want it before the case worker gets here, so since Rob's off on Mondays he should be able to get it done. I'll take off early tomorrow just to do a once over of the house and finish up anything that's left. Well, my pressure cooker is beeping gotta check on it and get back to work.

Shop Til U Drop

I've been shopping and cleaning up a storm this weekend. Friday started with me finally remembering the whole problem with BPA and bottles. I can't believe that I forgot all about it when I was buying bottles. I heard all about it a while back on the Today show, but at that point we didn't have any plans of having a baby anytime soon so it slipped my mind. Until I was reading an article in Parents magazine Friday morning before work that was talking about what new BPA free bottles were on the market now. I went and checked my Soothie and Playtex Ventaire bottles for the recycle symbol or the numbers on the bottom of the bottle that the article said to look for, but they didn't have any numbers or symbols on the bottom except for a patent number. I researched online for a while and couldn't find anything concrete to tell me if these bottles had BPA or not, so I just emailed the company directly. A couple of hours later I got a response I didn't want. Yep, the bottles I had stalked online in several auctions were bottles that shouldn't even be on the market. WTF? So it was back to the drawing board to find some affordable and good bottles that are free of BPA. The good thing was that I was able to return a lot of my bottles to Wal-M*art since they were brand new in the package even though I only bought 2 of them from there. I replaced all of my larger 9 ounce bottles with Parent's Choice BPA free bottles from Wallieworld for only $2.96 for each set of 3. I still need to replace my smaller 4 ounce bottles which will probably be Evenflo tinted BPA free bottles from BRU. So now I just need to put the remaining Soothie bottles up for auction to hopefully make back what I spent on them. If someone else is willing to use them then that's their choice, but as for me I will not. I will try to avoid any additional dangers for my future babies :)

Today, I met up with my friend, Tina and her son, Wes to shop at an upscale consignment shop that's done every few months for the upcoming season. It's been going on for a couple of days, and today was the last day, but it was also 1/2 price day! I racked up and saved a bunch! I got Rob a like new Eddie Bower backpack baby bag for $5. I tried to stick to 12 months and up clothes since I've got a pretty good supply of 0-9 month clothes right now. The boy clothes were a much better bargain than the girls. Most of the girl clothes that I liked were still $10 and up at half price or a lot of them weren't even half price. So I only got 6 girl outfits, but I got 10 boy pants/overalls and 4 shirts. But I got all of that plus a diaper bag, pacifier pod, hat for only $46! Woohoo! I love a good sale.

But even in all that shopping I couldn't help but notice all the hugely pregnant chicks shopping the consignment sale. I thought to myself that they were there shopping for their reality while I was only shopping for a dream. I wonder when my dreams will become a reality.

Idle Hands

I have nothing to do, and it's driving me nuts. I've spent so long focusing on getting the nursery together and trying to get good deals on a lot of different baby items that now that we're at a standstill I'm going crazy. Rob wants to work on the 2nd bedroom slowly, and I understand why he doesn't want to jump head first into another big project so soon. But I need something to occupy my time. I have several hobbies I could work on, but they're not interesting me right now. We will work on the quilt square for Maddie this weekend, and hopefully get it in the mail on Monday. But I need more than that to focus on. One of my online buddies blogged about all the different activities and hobbies she's doing to pass the time while she waits for a placement. I'm trying to use that as a kick in the ass for me to do something besides bitch, moan, watch the clock, sleep, and shop. I'm going to start working with my beginner's knitting set that's been sitting in my office for months. I got interested in knitting while I was in the hospital pregnant with Madison, and my mother-in-law would sit with me and work on knitting a baby blanket. She showed me a couple of things, but I was only kind of interested at the time. So it's about time I got focused on something cheaper than eBay.

Sleepy so very sleepy

I didn't sleep well last night at all. I kept waking up every hour or so all night long until 4 AM. When I woke up at 4, I couldn't get back to sleep until 5:30. Well, my alarm is set for 6:30. I didn't feel too bad once I got up and going, but once I ate lunch I was so sluggish. It took all I had to stay awake and focused until the end of the day. Which is pretty hard when you're reading something as dull and boring as a tariff. I'm hoping to get to bed earlier tonight and hopefully stay asleep. I plan on giving myself a perm tonight because my hair needs straightening so bad! And I don't want to spend the extra money to go to my salon or wait another 2 weeks for my stylist to get me in there. I used to do my own perms a lot several years ago so hopefully since my hair is cut short I'll be able to do a good job on my own tonight. Well the episode of Dragnet that I'm watching is almost over so it's time for me to get up and get to work.

Oh yeah I almost forgot to mention that this cycle we trying out the Conception Kit. It's similar to a home insemination kit that's supposed to help increase your chances of pregnancy, and help overcome things like low sperm count/motility, hostile vaginal environment, cervical position, and several other issues. We know there's not a problem on Rob's end, but we've yet to figure out my issue so hopefully this will be the key. I've looked at the kit for several months once someone on my trying to conceive board mentioned it. But since it's $300 we weren't running to spend that much all at once any time soon. I had been stalking kits on eBay, and had been outbid a couple of times. But finally I lucked out and snagged one for only $92 bucks. I love me some eBay! I'll be sure to post a review whether it's good or bad.

Lessons

I was feeling down today, and basically in a horrible mood. I was snapping at everyone which was just Rob and the animals. I get like this from time to time. I know a lot of it is letting little things pile up and weigh me down. Several times I was in tears about one thing or another. Rob basically got tired of hearing me complain about how everyone else that simply has sex manages to get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby as easy as I gain weight. So he left me sitting in bed crying, but I could care less if he was there then or not. So I started looking for something to watch on TV instead of the Engaged and Underage special on MTV I was watching earlier. I ran across Meet the Robinsons on TV, and decided to watch it. I've seen it before, but it's been a while. The main character said something that just hit me hard. He said "Let go of the past, and keep moving forward." How could a simple children's movie be so profound? It was like it was meant to be that I was still in bed today at 4 in the afternoon to see that movie again. I needed to see that movie again. One of the other things from the movie is that it shows how much better the kids' lives turned out just because they were adopted. The main character and his roommate at the orphanage were both at a harder to place age since they were no where near cute and cuddly babies anymore, but they both found forever homes.

This made me re-think our adoption plans. We're going to try to get our 2nd bedroom turned back into a bedroom so that we can hopefully foster to adopt an older child in addition to the infant that we've been hoping for also. So it's back to work because I think this 2nd bedroom is going to be quite a bit harder than the nursery. That bedroom serves as my home office, exercise room, and cat hideout right now. So I will need to move a lot of stuff to other parts of the house and possibly get rid of some things, but I know it will all be worth it in the end. Wish me luck!

Just Thinking

I wonder why my life has gone the way that it has. I know that looking at someone else's life doesn't give you a real picture of it, but just looking from the outside in makes me think. I wonder why there's a girl that I work with that smoked all through one pregnancy and is probably going to do the same thing with her newest pregnancy yet she's got a healthy baby at home. This isn't the 60's when we didn't know the dangers of smoking. We all know the risks and harm that it can do. I wonder why some people can ignore doctor's orders and they will be just fine. I guess it really is true that God takes care of fools. The other day I sat in a meeting, and had to do all I could not to cry. I looked around the room and realized that I'm the only woman in the room that doesn't have a living child. I've got smokie the bitch announcing to the world that she's due in April, and everyone is gushing all over her. She's what maybe 4 weeks along, and announcing it to everyone. Then I think of everything that we've done to have a chance at having a child. I've seen so many doctors that I've lost count. I've read so many articles and medical studies that I should have a 2nd degree by now. I've taken so many medications that I feel like an old lady when I pull out my stack of pill bottles. We've gone to weeks of classes, filled out tons of paperwork, and had people going through our home and lives like the paparazzi. But all I have to show for it are memories of an angel, a headstone, a depleted savings account, an empty nursery and a broken heart.

So what do I have that others don't. I have a wonderful, supportive husband that's still there despite all I've put him through. I have the perfect daughter. What's more perfect than an angel? And I got to carry and care for an angel for 6 months. I've got a house full of furry little creatures that love me. I've got my health even though I'm no where near as healthy as I used to be. But I'm not disabled or disfigured, and after having blood pressure readings of 280/240 I very well should be brain damaged or worse. But my God kept me safe. I've got a deeper relationship with God now than I've ever had before. I've got so many friends that love me. I've got the best church family I could ask for. I've still got both of my parents, and I will hopefully be an aunt next year. I'm on my way to becoming a foster mom. I've known sorrow, disillusionment, and loneliness, but I've prevailed. I don't run from or avoid other people's pain. I've learned the power of reaching out to a total stranger in their time of hurt. I am stronger because I have known pain.

Dirty South

This is what I saw in someone's yard tonight on the way to Rob's aunt and uncle's house in what I will nicely call the country.

WTF? I have never seen a lawn jockey in real life ever. Living in the deep south is so much effing fun. Even when I try to ignore its meaning I still wonder why the hell would you want that in your yard? But I guess this is to be expected of some people in the south in 2008.

Being an adult sucks!

Today started off shitty for me and it's still sucking. I woke up completely exhausted even though I went to bed at a reasonable time and slept well last night. Then I get to work and not even 10 minutes after I get here, I get a call. I've spent my entire day at work looking through old tariffs dating back to 1978 up to 2008. And I'm still no closer to finding what I'm looking for than I was at 8:15 this morning. It just drives me crazy. This is not where I imagined I would be when I was little and dreaming of being an adult. I'm a fucking glorified librarian/legal secretary/researcher/mind reader. Did I really go to school all those years to be this? I should have majored in something like pharmacy or engineering not finance. Damn hindsight is 20/20. I know it wouldn't be as bad if I even felt the least bit appreciated or valued. But when you see people getting promotions for no damn reason, and you're still the same low peon it wears on you. I'm supposed to jump through rings of fire while singing and tap dancing while others sit on their asses and may or may not ever do their job, but they are rewarded for it. Our department is run on a skeleton crew while others get new people all the time. But we don't fucking matter because we don't make money for the company we just keep the company's ass out of the fire day in and day out. And any money that our department does generate from all the work we do gets credited to some other area that didn't do half of the work. Damn, why the hell did I want to be an adult?

Time for a laugh

more cat pictures

I also came across the LOL Cat bible today and I've been laughing and laughing. Check it out.

LOL Cat Bible

Fuzzy Heathen

My kitten has driving me crazy lately, but he's pushing his luck today. I ordered him soft paws, those plastic caps that you can use instead of declawing a cat, a few weeks ago. Rob put them on him and they helped a little. But several have some off and been reapplied again and again. Right now he's missing several and has decided that he would rather claw the rugs in the house instead of the nice catnip covered scratching post. I've shot that cat with water guns more times than I can remember today, but as soon as he's dry he's doing it again! Ughhhh. I really don't want to declaw him, but I also can't take another animal destroying stuff. I already have an effed up couch and recliner because of Rob's dog. Rob keeps telling me that the kitten will grow out of it, but damn that needs to happen soon.

But other than that annoyance I've had a pretty good and relaxing day. I slept late, thank God, and then stayed in bed watching TV until 1 in the afternoon. It's nice not having anything at all to do sometimes. I know that will change once we have a child in the house, but that's a change that I welcome.

I Hate PC People!

I’m in one of my moods, and I have been for a while. But I’ve managed to hide it from most people. Rob sees it more than anyone because he’s stuck living with me, but he usually ignores me when I get really bad. So here’s the source of my rant for today. I read a lot of blogs on a few subjects. I read about other people’s journeys after the loss of a child. I read about my friends lives and how they are doing since so many of them live all over the country. And I read foster/adopt blogs because that is where I am now, and I find them helpful and inspiring.

But last night I came across someone’s blog that was recommended by another blogger that I read from time to time. I probably should have stopped reading once I realized that the blog writer was some ubber hippy tree hugging PC bitch. She has a list of all the things people should do or remember when they are adopting. At first I thought it was focused on private adoptions, but then I noticed references to foster/adopt. One of her “tips” is that infertility does not buy you a ticket to raise someone else’s child. That shit just pissed me off. How the hell can you say something like that? Every “Infertile” that I know, and it’s a lot of them that chooses to adopt doesn’t think that way. Once you’ve experienced the hurt and betrayal by your own body you are well aware of other people’s pain. I’ve never thought that losing my daughter or being infertile earns me a “free” baby. You can’t judge an infertile person or angel baby mama until you’ve been one.

Then the blog writer goes on to say that you shouldn’t call the adopted child’s biological mother their birthmother. She thinks that’s degrading. We should be PC or politically correct and call them the original mother or first mother. How about we take it one step further and call them the Omega Mother since they were the beginning mother, and I can be the Alpha Mother since I’m the end mother? I think that really is a personal choice that should be based on the situation. People should not be made to feel they are wrong for using the term birthmother just because some people don't like it. If you don't like it then don't use it!

I’ve seen some “mothers” who are nothing but a human version of a cat in heat. They have children left and right and throw them away as soon as they can. They don’t care for the baby while they are carrying them so why should they be called anything more than birthmother. Because that’s all they did was give birth. I think that’s a nice term to call them because I can come up with some other things to call them that are not so nice. Now I know that a large majority of mother’s that place their child for adoption (notice I said place them for adoption) did so out of love for that child, and they should be respected for that difficult decision. But to make a blanket statement to say that all women that have a child that’s adopted by someone, regardless of the situation, should be treated the same is idiotic.

In my opinion some one that hurts or neglects their child should lose that child. I know that each child’s case is different, but some are very cut and dry. You injure a child, you’re done. You sexually abuse a child, you’re done. (Well, actually you should be drawn and quartered, but that another rant) You abandon a child, you’re done. I’m don’t believe that a child is a pawn of the birthparents nor is that child property of the birthparents to do with as they please. Gapping your legs and getting knocked up or dropping some sperm off in somebody does not make you a parent. Taking care of a child, providing for a child, loving a child, and protecting a child makes you a parent. Blood doesn’t make a family. Parents are not born, they are created.

No Progress

I'm at home sick and feeling funky today. I hate my sinuses. I hate, hate, hate them! The past few weeks have been horrible. It seems like every other day my head feels like it's going to explode, and it's a crap shoot if I will be able to breathe out of my nose or if it will be running and dripping all day. I've had a fever on and off since yesterday, and it sucks because I sweat all the time anyway and this just makes me feel like I'm having hot flashes. Ughhhhh! I'm doping myself up and will continue so that I can hopefully go to work tomorrow. I hate using my time off. I feel like I need to conserve my time so we can have some sort of vacation this year together. We will probably visit my brother and his girlfriend in Plano again this year. There is so much to do in the Dallas area that we have things left on our list from last year's visit. I just found out last week that my brother's girlfriend, Janet, is expecting. So in a couple of months I will have my 1st niece or nephew, and I will definitely make the drive to Dallas to be there for the birth if at all possible. The whole baby thing was shock to my brother, and an even bigger life change than it is for most people. This whole thing is bringing his life as he knows it to an end. J wants him to move in with her in her home. But that will mean giving up his apartment. This is the apartment that he and his wife lived in together until her death almost 3 years ago. This is closing a chapter of his life and his past without much of a notice. But he wants to do the right thing for everyone. I just pray he makes the right decision for him and his child. Our family has seen so much loss in the past few years that it's time for the joy and happiness that a new child can bring.

Rob called and actually got our home study case worker, A, on the phone. But now that his schedule has changed to 10 hour days it makes it harder to get both of us together with A. I get off at 5 and he doesn't get off until 6:30 Tuesday-Friday. He's off on Mondays, but A is booked solid on her schedule until August 13. That is freaking forever away. So we're in a stand still until almost a month from now. A said that she will try to rearrange some things to get to see us before then, but I'm not holding my breath. I was hoping and praying that we would finish our home study a lot sooner than the 90 days they have to finish it. I really wonder if we can still possibly get called for a placement before our home study is approved. I get so many different answers to that question, some say yes and others say probably not. So I guess we're at the end of the line right now, if we are even in line at this point.