Relaxed

I've had one of the best weekends I've had in a while. We had some friends over to play D&D on Friday night, and all in all we had a good time. I was still pissed the hell off from work, but after some huge shots of my friend Jose I was good to go. I'm not even going to go into why I was pissed off from work because it's a long story. But it involves a lot of the same old Ashley is the lowly bitch of the department, and should jump through rings of fire to get shit done at the last minute. We had a new person come by the house Friday that wanted to watch us play since they had always wondered about the game. This person is someone that I'm trying to like and treat decently since they are in our church band, and I have to interact with them on a regular basis. But there's a part of me that thinks she's after my husband. I know Rob would never cheat on me. I may just be overreacting, but she's done several things that have rubbed me the wrong way. She has a habit of butting into our disagreements, and always taking Rob's side no matter what's being said. It's not like we're having some real fight, but she always has to jump in. I'm sorry but no one has any right to butt into a personal conversation between a husband and a wife. And now I'm stuck with her ass every other week because the rest of the group invited her to play with us. I will try to give her the benefit of the doubt, and let her play with our group. But don't get me wrong I will be watching her like a hawk because Rob is rather oblivious to things like that. And it's not beyond me to kick a bitch's ass or at the very least cuss her out while I'm kicking her out of my house.

Saturday was great. We slept late, and then had a late lunch at my favorite pizza place, Fox's. We picked up a couple of things we need to put Madison's quilt square from the fabric store. And then we just chilled out for the rest of day watching movies. We watched the 5th Highlander movie that's fairly new on dvd. And it was biggest piece of ass. It had me in pain from laughing because the movie was just that bad. I loved the TV series, but this movie was nothing like what we expected.

Today was also relaxing. We went to church then had lunch with friends. We visited Maddie, and the came home to watch more movies. I cooked a simple supper of turkey and pepperoni penne pasta with green beans. It was nice to have a slow, relaxing weekend with my hubby for once. It's been a long time and we've both enjoyed ourselves a lot.

Holding Patterns and Crap

moar funny pictures

We had our 2nd and last home study visit on Monday. It went pretty well, I think. I was pissed off at first because I got off work at 3 thinking that the visit was at 5, but the case worker showed up at 3:30! Rob made the appointment with her, but he told me that it was going to be at the same time as the 1st visit. She shows up while I'm still trying to finish up stuff around the house. I hadn't even had a chance to clean the nasty, stinky, full of crap in 1 day cat box! I had to sneak around the house while she interviewed Rob and scoop the cat poop because I knew she was going to inspect all of the rooms on this visit. It just drove me nuts to not have the house up to my standards when she got here. I guess I'm anal about stuff like that. I know that normal people don't have a spotless house, but I would at least like the kitchen counters to be clutter free. Ughhhh!

And then there was Rob and his interview. For some reason he felt the need to volunteer information about his family that was better left unsaid. I know we had the conversation about not giving any extra information that's not necessary. But at some points I felt like Rob was on a psychiatrist's couch telling his life story and his whole family's life story. God I hope that she doesn't think bad about us because of the crap that Rob's family has done over the years.

The case worker looked around the house and went through this long list of safety questions with us. She measured all of the bedrooms and checked out where we have the guns locked up. Now we're just waiting for the home study to be completed. She has all of our stuff and our references so now she has to type it all up. Her goal is to have it done by the end of the month. I was so hoping that we would have this done before then, but I'm not holding my breath. So know we're just waiting...

I've been researching and planning our anniversary trip to Dallas for the past few days. I'm trying to actually budget this trip, and find ways to stay within our budget like buying a discount book. This book has half off coupons for tons of the stuff we want to do while we're in Dallas visiting my bro, and it only cost me $2! I've found a nice hotel to stay in for our actual anniversary that's close to the Indian restaurant that we want to go to for a special dinner and the outlet malls. We'll leave here on Saturday and spend a couple of days either with my brother or with his girlfriend at her house. We haven't decided yet, but I'm leaning towards his girlfriend because she's got a better guest room and her family loves to cook and cook and cook! I'm looking forward to just getting away for a few days with nothing to do, but have fun.

Almost Ready

Our 2nd home study visit is tomorrow evening around 5, and I'm so ready to get this one over with. I've been looking forward to this visit for weeks. I hope it will be our last visit, and we can get our home study approved soon. Rob and I have been cleaning and rearranging the house all weekend. I filled up 2 huge plastic bags with clothes and shoes out of my spare closet in the 2nd bedroom that Rob will drop off at Goodwill tomorrow. And we've thrown away tons and tons of junk. I hate that we don't have any type of recycling for paper here in our area because I go through tons of paper a year with all the catalogs, flyers, and order forms that Avon sends me on a regular basis. I've almost gotten my office moved over to the computer room so that the 2nd bedroom can be a bedroom again. Now we just have to get the cat moved out of there too. We should have that room done in the next month or two at the latest. We just have a few things left to do tomorrow to get the house back the way I want it before the case worker gets here, so since Rob's off on Mondays he should be able to get it done. I'll take off early tomorrow just to do a once over of the house and finish up anything that's left. Well, my pressure cooker is beeping gotta check on it and get back to work.

Shop Til U Drop

I've been shopping and cleaning up a storm this weekend. Friday started with me finally remembering the whole problem with BPA and bottles. I can't believe that I forgot all about it when I was buying bottles. I heard all about it a while back on the Today show, but at that point we didn't have any plans of having a baby anytime soon so it slipped my mind. Until I was reading an article in Parents magazine Friday morning before work that was talking about what new BPA free bottles were on the market now. I went and checked my Soothie and Playtex Ventaire bottles for the recycle symbol or the numbers on the bottom of the bottle that the article said to look for, but they didn't have any numbers or symbols on the bottom except for a patent number. I researched online for a while and couldn't find anything concrete to tell me if these bottles had BPA or not, so I just emailed the company directly. A couple of hours later I got a response I didn't want. Yep, the bottles I had stalked online in several auctions were bottles that shouldn't even be on the market. WTF? So it was back to the drawing board to find some affordable and good bottles that are free of BPA. The good thing was that I was able to return a lot of my bottles to Wal-M*art since they were brand new in the package even though I only bought 2 of them from there. I replaced all of my larger 9 ounce bottles with Parent's Choice BPA free bottles from Wallieworld for only $2.96 for each set of 3. I still need to replace my smaller 4 ounce bottles which will probably be Evenflo tinted BPA free bottles from BRU. So now I just need to put the remaining Soothie bottles up for auction to hopefully make back what I spent on them. If someone else is willing to use them then that's their choice, but as for me I will not. I will try to avoid any additional dangers for my future babies :)

Today, I met up with my friend, Tina and her son, Wes to shop at an upscale consignment shop that's done every few months for the upcoming season. It's been going on for a couple of days, and today was the last day, but it was also 1/2 price day! I racked up and saved a bunch! I got Rob a like new Eddie Bower backpack baby bag for $5. I tried to stick to 12 months and up clothes since I've got a pretty good supply of 0-9 month clothes right now. The boy clothes were a much better bargain than the girls. Most of the girl clothes that I liked were still $10 and up at half price or a lot of them weren't even half price. So I only got 6 girl outfits, but I got 10 boy pants/overalls and 4 shirts. But I got all of that plus a diaper bag, pacifier pod, hat for only $46! Woohoo! I love a good sale.

But even in all that shopping I couldn't help but notice all the hugely pregnant chicks shopping the consignment sale. I thought to myself that they were there shopping for their reality while I was only shopping for a dream. I wonder when my dreams will become a reality.

Idle Hands

I have nothing to do, and it's driving me nuts. I've spent so long focusing on getting the nursery together and trying to get good deals on a lot of different baby items that now that we're at a standstill I'm going crazy. Rob wants to work on the 2nd bedroom slowly, and I understand why he doesn't want to jump head first into another big project so soon. But I need something to occupy my time. I have several hobbies I could work on, but they're not interesting me right now. We will work on the quilt square for Maddie this weekend, and hopefully get it in the mail on Monday. But I need more than that to focus on. One of my online buddies blogged about all the different activities and hobbies she's doing to pass the time while she waits for a placement. I'm trying to use that as a kick in the ass for me to do something besides bitch, moan, watch the clock, sleep, and shop. I'm going to start working with my beginner's knitting set that's been sitting in my office for months. I got interested in knitting while I was in the hospital pregnant with Madison, and my mother-in-law would sit with me and work on knitting a baby blanket. She showed me a couple of things, but I was only kind of interested at the time. So it's about time I got focused on something cheaper than eBay.

Sleepy so very sleepy

I didn't sleep well last night at all. I kept waking up every hour or so all night long until 4 AM. When I woke up at 4, I couldn't get back to sleep until 5:30. Well, my alarm is set for 6:30. I didn't feel too bad once I got up and going, but once I ate lunch I was so sluggish. It took all I had to stay awake and focused until the end of the day. Which is pretty hard when you're reading something as dull and boring as a tariff. I'm hoping to get to bed earlier tonight and hopefully stay asleep. I plan on giving myself a perm tonight because my hair needs straightening so bad! And I don't want to spend the extra money to go to my salon or wait another 2 weeks for my stylist to get me in there. I used to do my own perms a lot several years ago so hopefully since my hair is cut short I'll be able to do a good job on my own tonight. Well the episode of Dragnet that I'm watching is almost over so it's time for me to get up and get to work.

Oh yeah I almost forgot to mention that this cycle we trying out the Conception Kit. It's similar to a home insemination kit that's supposed to help increase your chances of pregnancy, and help overcome things like low sperm count/motility, hostile vaginal environment, cervical position, and several other issues. We know there's not a problem on Rob's end, but we've yet to figure out my issue so hopefully this will be the key. I've looked at the kit for several months once someone on my trying to conceive board mentioned it. But since it's $300 we weren't running to spend that much all at once any time soon. I had been stalking kits on eBay, and had been outbid a couple of times. But finally I lucked out and snagged one for only $92 bucks. I love me some eBay! I'll be sure to post a review whether it's good or bad.

Lessons

I was feeling down today, and basically in a horrible mood. I was snapping at everyone which was just Rob and the animals. I get like this from time to time. I know a lot of it is letting little things pile up and weigh me down. Several times I was in tears about one thing or another. Rob basically got tired of hearing me complain about how everyone else that simply has sex manages to get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby as easy as I gain weight. So he left me sitting in bed crying, but I could care less if he was there then or not. So I started looking for something to watch on TV instead of the Engaged and Underage special on MTV I was watching earlier. I ran across Meet the Robinsons on TV, and decided to watch it. I've seen it before, but it's been a while. The main character said something that just hit me hard. He said "Let go of the past, and keep moving forward." How could a simple children's movie be so profound? It was like it was meant to be that I was still in bed today at 4 in the afternoon to see that movie again. I needed to see that movie again. One of the other things from the movie is that it shows how much better the kids' lives turned out just because they were adopted. The main character and his roommate at the orphanage were both at a harder to place age since they were no where near cute and cuddly babies anymore, but they both found forever homes.

This made me re-think our adoption plans. We're going to try to get our 2nd bedroom turned back into a bedroom so that we can hopefully foster to adopt an older child in addition to the infant that we've been hoping for also. So it's back to work because I think this 2nd bedroom is going to be quite a bit harder than the nursery. That bedroom serves as my home office, exercise room, and cat hideout right now. So I will need to move a lot of stuff to other parts of the house and possibly get rid of some things, but I know it will all be worth it in the end. Wish me luck!

Just Thinking

I wonder why my life has gone the way that it has. I know that looking at someone else's life doesn't give you a real picture of it, but just looking from the outside in makes me think. I wonder why there's a girl that I work with that smoked all through one pregnancy and is probably going to do the same thing with her newest pregnancy yet she's got a healthy baby at home. This isn't the 60's when we didn't know the dangers of smoking. We all know the risks and harm that it can do. I wonder why some people can ignore doctor's orders and they will be just fine. I guess it really is true that God takes care of fools. The other day I sat in a meeting, and had to do all I could not to cry. I looked around the room and realized that I'm the only woman in the room that doesn't have a living child. I've got smokie the bitch announcing to the world that she's due in April, and everyone is gushing all over her. She's what maybe 4 weeks along, and announcing it to everyone. Then I think of everything that we've done to have a chance at having a child. I've seen so many doctors that I've lost count. I've read so many articles and medical studies that I should have a 2nd degree by now. I've taken so many medications that I feel like an old lady when I pull out my stack of pill bottles. We've gone to weeks of classes, filled out tons of paperwork, and had people going through our home and lives like the paparazzi. But all I have to show for it are memories of an angel, a headstone, a depleted savings account, an empty nursery and a broken heart.

So what do I have that others don't. I have a wonderful, supportive husband that's still there despite all I've put him through. I have the perfect daughter. What's more perfect than an angel? And I got to carry and care for an angel for 6 months. I've got a house full of furry little creatures that love me. I've got my health even though I'm no where near as healthy as I used to be. But I'm not disabled or disfigured, and after having blood pressure readings of 280/240 I very well should be brain damaged or worse. But my God kept me safe. I've got a deeper relationship with God now than I've ever had before. I've got so many friends that love me. I've got the best church family I could ask for. I've still got both of my parents, and I will hopefully be an aunt next year. I'm on my way to becoming a foster mom. I've known sorrow, disillusionment, and loneliness, but I've prevailed. I don't run from or avoid other people's pain. I've learned the power of reaching out to a total stranger in their time of hurt. I am stronger because I have known pain.

Dirty South

This is what I saw in someone's yard tonight on the way to Rob's aunt and uncle's house in what I will nicely call the country.

WTF? I have never seen a lawn jockey in real life ever. Living in the deep south is so much effing fun. Even when I try to ignore its meaning I still wonder why the hell would you want that in your yard? But I guess this is to be expected of some people in the south in 2008.

Being an adult sucks!

Today started off shitty for me and it's still sucking. I woke up completely exhausted even though I went to bed at a reasonable time and slept well last night. Then I get to work and not even 10 minutes after I get here, I get a call. I've spent my entire day at work looking through old tariffs dating back to 1978 up to 2008. And I'm still no closer to finding what I'm looking for than I was at 8:15 this morning. It just drives me crazy. This is not where I imagined I would be when I was little and dreaming of being an adult. I'm a fucking glorified librarian/legal secretary/researcher/mind reader. Did I really go to school all those years to be this? I should have majored in something like pharmacy or engineering not finance. Damn hindsight is 20/20. I know it wouldn't be as bad if I even felt the least bit appreciated or valued. But when you see people getting promotions for no damn reason, and you're still the same low peon it wears on you. I'm supposed to jump through rings of fire while singing and tap dancing while others sit on their asses and may or may not ever do their job, but they are rewarded for it. Our department is run on a skeleton crew while others get new people all the time. But we don't fucking matter because we don't make money for the company we just keep the company's ass out of the fire day in and day out. And any money that our department does generate from all the work we do gets credited to some other area that didn't do half of the work. Damn, why the hell did I want to be an adult?

Time for a laugh

more cat pictures

I also came across the LOL Cat bible today and I've been laughing and laughing. Check it out.

LOL Cat Bible

Fuzzy Heathen

My kitten has driving me crazy lately, but he's pushing his luck today. I ordered him soft paws, those plastic caps that you can use instead of declawing a cat, a few weeks ago. Rob put them on him and they helped a little. But several have some off and been reapplied again and again. Right now he's missing several and has decided that he would rather claw the rugs in the house instead of the nice catnip covered scratching post. I've shot that cat with water guns more times than I can remember today, but as soon as he's dry he's doing it again! Ughhhh. I really don't want to declaw him, but I also can't take another animal destroying stuff. I already have an effed up couch and recliner because of Rob's dog. Rob keeps telling me that the kitten will grow out of it, but damn that needs to happen soon.

But other than that annoyance I've had a pretty good and relaxing day. I slept late, thank God, and then stayed in bed watching TV until 1 in the afternoon. It's nice not having anything at all to do sometimes. I know that will change once we have a child in the house, but that's a change that I welcome.

I Hate PC People!

I’m in one of my moods, and I have been for a while. But I’ve managed to hide it from most people. Rob sees it more than anyone because he’s stuck living with me, but he usually ignores me when I get really bad. So here’s the source of my rant for today. I read a lot of blogs on a few subjects. I read about other people’s journeys after the loss of a child. I read about my friends lives and how they are doing since so many of them live all over the country. And I read foster/adopt blogs because that is where I am now, and I find them helpful and inspiring.

But last night I came across someone’s blog that was recommended by another blogger that I read from time to time. I probably should have stopped reading once I realized that the blog writer was some ubber hippy tree hugging PC bitch. She has a list of all the things people should do or remember when they are adopting. At first I thought it was focused on private adoptions, but then I noticed references to foster/adopt. One of her “tips” is that infertility does not buy you a ticket to raise someone else’s child. That shit just pissed me off. How the hell can you say something like that? Every “Infertile” that I know, and it’s a lot of them that chooses to adopt doesn’t think that way. Once you’ve experienced the hurt and betrayal by your own body you are well aware of other people’s pain. I’ve never thought that losing my daughter or being infertile earns me a “free” baby. You can’t judge an infertile person or angel baby mama until you’ve been one.

Then the blog writer goes on to say that you shouldn’t call the adopted child’s biological mother their birthmother. She thinks that’s degrading. We should be PC or politically correct and call them the original mother or first mother. How about we take it one step further and call them the Omega Mother since they were the beginning mother, and I can be the Alpha Mother since I’m the end mother? I think that really is a personal choice that should be based on the situation. People should not be made to feel they are wrong for using the term birthmother just because some people don't like it. If you don't like it then don't use it!

I’ve seen some “mothers” who are nothing but a human version of a cat in heat. They have children left and right and throw them away as soon as they can. They don’t care for the baby while they are carrying them so why should they be called anything more than birthmother. Because that’s all they did was give birth. I think that’s a nice term to call them because I can come up with some other things to call them that are not so nice. Now I know that a large majority of mother’s that place their child for adoption (notice I said place them for adoption) did so out of love for that child, and they should be respected for that difficult decision. But to make a blanket statement to say that all women that have a child that’s adopted by someone, regardless of the situation, should be treated the same is idiotic.

In my opinion some one that hurts or neglects their child should lose that child. I know that each child’s case is different, but some are very cut and dry. You injure a child, you’re done. You sexually abuse a child, you’re done. (Well, actually you should be drawn and quartered, but that another rant) You abandon a child, you’re done. I’m don’t believe that a child is a pawn of the birthparents nor is that child property of the birthparents to do with as they please. Gapping your legs and getting knocked up or dropping some sperm off in somebody does not make you a parent. Taking care of a child, providing for a child, loving a child, and protecting a child makes you a parent. Blood doesn’t make a family. Parents are not born, they are created.

No Progress

I'm at home sick and feeling funky today. I hate my sinuses. I hate, hate, hate them! The past few weeks have been horrible. It seems like every other day my head feels like it's going to explode, and it's a crap shoot if I will be able to breathe out of my nose or if it will be running and dripping all day. I've had a fever on and off since yesterday, and it sucks because I sweat all the time anyway and this just makes me feel like I'm having hot flashes. Ughhhhh! I'm doping myself up and will continue so that I can hopefully go to work tomorrow. I hate using my time off. I feel like I need to conserve my time so we can have some sort of vacation this year together. We will probably visit my brother and his girlfriend in Plano again this year. There is so much to do in the Dallas area that we have things left on our list from last year's visit. I just found out last week that my brother's girlfriend, Janet, is expecting. So in a couple of months I will have my 1st niece or nephew, and I will definitely make the drive to Dallas to be there for the birth if at all possible. The whole baby thing was shock to my brother, and an even bigger life change than it is for most people. This whole thing is bringing his life as he knows it to an end. J wants him to move in with her in her home. But that will mean giving up his apartment. This is the apartment that he and his wife lived in together until her death almost 3 years ago. This is closing a chapter of his life and his past without much of a notice. But he wants to do the right thing for everyone. I just pray he makes the right decision for him and his child. Our family has seen so much loss in the past few years that it's time for the joy and happiness that a new child can bring.

Rob called and actually got our home study case worker, A, on the phone. But now that his schedule has changed to 10 hour days it makes it harder to get both of us together with A. I get off at 5 and he doesn't get off until 6:30 Tuesday-Friday. He's off on Mondays, but A is booked solid on her schedule until August 13. That is freaking forever away. So we're in a stand still until almost a month from now. A said that she will try to rearrange some things to get to see us before then, but I'm not holding my breath. I was hoping and praying that we would finish our home study a lot sooner than the 90 days they have to finish it. I really wonder if we can still possibly get called for a placement before our home study is approved. I get so many different answers to that question, some say yes and others say probably not. So I guess we're at the end of the line right now, if we are even in line at this point.

I Miss Her

I don't have much to say right now. Just feeling kind of down. Lots of new babies coming soon, and we're still at a stand still. On my way to work I remembered a quote another angel mommy found that I really love. It makes me smile when I get really down:

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."
~ author unknown

Bittersweet

Tonight is a typical Thursday night. I'm sitting up in my office at the church listening to the band practice for Sunday. I probably should be working on my overheads for Sunday, but I do most of my work on Saturdays after everyone has sent me what they want like the sermon, announcements, and song lists for both services. I'm looking forward to dinner tonight at Yummy Yummy Thai Restaurant after last nights disaster of a meal at what used to be my favorite sushi bar. We went for sushi last night since Rob got a gift certificate to there from work. We usually wait until he earns enough bonus points aka golden tickets at work to trade in for a gift certificate since sushi is so damn expensive. Well we get there and find out that they are under new management and have a whole new menu. WTF? The new menu has less sushi on it and more meals that you would find at any other fine restaurant. How the hell can you have less sushi than other crap at a freaking sushi bar! One of the rolls we had was so disgusting it almost made me throw up. The soft shell crab roll used to be wonderful, but now it's an overcooked greasy mess. We won't be going back there again!

As one of my online friends pointed out to me I'm nesting. I've been getting all the clothes and sheets we have ready to be washed. Last night Rob and I spent almost an hour removing tags from the clothes and taking things out of boxes. Some people have said that I shouldn't do that. I should leave them with the tags since we don't know what age child we will get, and if I leave the tags on I will be able to sell them for more. But I have no plans to sell anything, any time soon. We may not get an infant right off the bat, but we haven't given up on having another baby either. I will never give up. I know in my heart that I will one day give birth to another baby, a healthy baby that will come home with us.

While I was taking tags off of clothes I came to the dress I bought the day we confirmed that we were having our little Madison. It's a simple pink jumper dress with flowers embroidered on the front waistband with a white and pink flowered onesie underneath. That was the dress that Madison was going to come home in. That dress that picked out for her, and I can't bring myself to let that go yet. I just want it to stay perfect just the way it is. I need it to stay perfect just like my little angel. I may change my mind at some point, but right now I can't. Rob tried to talk me into putting it with the other clothes, but once he looked me in my eyes he didn't resist me anymore. So the dress is still hanging in the back of the closet where it might stay, and it might not. It's rather bittersweet to move towards using all the baby stuff we have, but not use it for the person it was originally intended for.

Oh yeah I also found out today that I have some co-workers and the boss lady reading my blog. I had no idea they even knew where it was. So hi! Now I know where all those Monroe hits on my people tracker are coming from. I guess I won't talk about ya'll anymore now. LOL!

Realizations

Last night was our last group meeting for our foster care certification. We had a pretty large crowd with lots of people coming to show their support for members of our class. Both sets of our parents made it, and I was happy to see them. Most the speakers were good. It was very informative to find out about the process that goes on before the kids actually enter the system. Then we heard from a fairly new foster parent. Jen finished classes in January and was called for her 1st placement the next day. I don't expect that to happen to us, but it would be wonderful if it did. I was surprised to see Jen there. We know each other through Rob's aunt. Jen's daughter, Lainey, was stillborn a few months after Madison was born. Rob's aunt gave her Madison's memorial site, and we started to email back and forth for a while after that. I had no idea that I actually knew someone in my area that's fostering too. We also have the same home study worker, A. Jen says that A is a good person to have and works hard at her job.

After Jen spoke we heard from a former foster child that's now a 40 year old married mother of 2. Her story brought the room to tears, and really brought home the need for good foster care parents. She talked about the 3 foster homes she was in over a 2 year period starting at age 8. 1 of them was closed due to abuse. The father was sexually abusing the girls in the home, and the reason it came to light was that one of the girls got pregnant. It broke my heart to listen to her talk about never telling anyone she was abused until years later, and not caring if the man was ever convicted just as long as he was never allowed to foster children again. She talked about a memory from that home of going clothes shopping for school, and being taken to the cheap store to buy her clothes. Then the mom took her biological kids to a nicer store, and bought them designer clothes. It's been almost 30 years since that incident, and you can still hear the hurt in her voice. I just can't imagine taking a child into my home only to treat them like a 2nd class citizen. She went into the system with 2 older sisters and lost both of them within a year, one ran away and the other was moved to a home that didn't keep the lines of communication open among the siblings. It was wonderful to hear that her last foster home turned out to be the best. They loved her like a child deserves to be loved. Her foster dad walked her down the aisle, and they are her children's grandparents now. That family also loved her and her mother. They even helped her mother once she was released from prison, one month after she graduated from high school.

When I left there I was ready to get another bedroom ready in our home to help as many children as we could when the time came. I was so inspired to take action. But I know that I just need to focus on being ready for one right now, but if God sees fit to hand me more I will cross that bridge then. I know that even helping one child at a time is making a huge difference in the world of that child. We most likely will turn my office into a bedroom again, but not right now. It's going to take some planning, purging of some items, and hard work. It's not really something that can be done in a night. So now we're just waiting to hear back from our home study worker to have our 2nd visit. I hope she gets back to me tomorrow since I called her this morning, but she was out on calls and visits.

Patience is a virtue...patience is a virtue.

MAPP Graduation

Tonight is our last meeting we have to attend to complete our certification classes. Last night I felt like a little kid waiting for school to start. I kept waking up thinking it was time to get up. I woke up at 3 and 5 this morning ready to get out of bed. Thank God I'm not tired now. This session will be a panel discussion showing all aspects of the foster care system from when an investigation begins all the way through TPR and adoption. There will be a former foster child there to speak about their life in the system also. We will have a dinner sponsored by the Foster Parents association, and get to meet several of them. Both my parents and Rob's parents will attend with us since they will be part of our support system once we receive a placement. I'm excited about tonight's meeting. It's putting us another step closer to our goal. We're also 30 days into the 90 day period that the home study case worker has to complete our home study. Dear Lord, let it not take the whole 90 days. I guess I'll have to change my countdown from completing MAPP classes to home study approval. It's still hard to believe that we're at this point all ready.

Domestic Diva

I'm feeling very domestic and homey right now. I reorganized our pantry, and I've got a much better idea of what we have and don't have. I love, love, love Lock-N-Lock containers. Savings space and keeping things fresh, what's not to love! Then I made sweet pickles. I've never done anything like this before. My mom was never the canning and making things like jams or pickles person. My grandmother was, but I was too young to really learn anything from her like that. But this summer my dad's garden has been producing tons and tons of veggies. So I have several pounds of cucumbers, zucchini, butternut squash, spaghetti squash, and tomatoes in our house right now, and I know there will be more to come. So I looked for an easy pickle recipe to use up the cucumbers. I found one that only needs 24 hours before it's done. I hope it turns out good. I'm a little worried because the recipe said that the 2 pounds of cucumbers should fit in a 1 quart jar. I was able to get about 1 pound jammed into a jar so I put the remainder in another jar. I had to make a double batch of the liquid to cover the cucumbers in both jars, but they are now cooling in the fridge. I'll let you know how they taste tomorrow.

Yesterday we spent the evening with friends grilling and spending time with their new baby, Miranda. Rob and another friend, Keith, helped them move a huge 60 inch floor model tv from our pastor's house to theirs. Our pastor, the TV guru, upgraded to a nice wall mounted flat screen so he gave them an awesome deal on a fairly new TV. So I got plenty of baby holding and cuddle time yesterday. Ooooh I hope we get called for a baby soon. But it's just nice to get away from everything and just spend time with friends.

Miranda much more alert on this visit!

Time to burp the baby!

Robin, Abbey, and Dan-O visiting with baby Miranda. Dan-O doesn't really care for babies because they are "mean". LOL!

Preeclampsia Fundraiser

I'm trying to figure out how I want to do Maddie's quilt square this year for the annual Preeclampsia Memorial Quilt. This is the square we did last year, and I think it turned out great since we're not the best crafters.
I tried to make it very symbolic, and use things that meant a lot to me or remind me of Maddie. We had 6 stars, one for each month she was carried inside of me, and a monarch butterfly because every time I see one I smile and think of my baby girl. So since we have more time and some experience with making a memorial square I want this one to be fantastic. I haven't completely laid it out in my head, but I'm thinking of making a huge monarch butterfly sewn onto the square in small beads with Madison 5-13-06 embroidered on there in pink.

I love being able to make a difference in this world in her memory. Last year's quilt raised several thousands of dollars for preeclampsia research, and I hope this one will raise even more.

Fun Times

We went out to dinner with the band and a couple of other people after practice tonight. And all I can say is that I had an awesome time. I don't know the last time I've laughed so much in my life. I was actually hurting when we left. I think I forgot to breathe a couple of times. One of the guys, Bobby, was talking about his "former" life when he was in the adult film industry. He asked everyone if they could guess what his name was then. And before I knew it I blurted out "Shorty". The whole table exploded in laughter and I laughed so hard I cried. It was priceless. It really makes me feel good to just spend an evening with friends being silly. Well, off to bed now. Thank God tomorrow's Friday!

Silly Things About Me

I'm stealing this survey from some of my CO peeps. Thanks!

Change all the answers so they apply to you, then tag or link to your friends so they do they same. The theory is that you’ll learn a lot of silly little factoids about your blogging buddies, including things you may never have known. Ready! Set! Go!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:30 am
2. Do you prefer diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last movie you saw in a cinema? Bleach: Memories of Nobody
4. What is your favorite TV show? Naruto, Family Guy, Bleach
5. What do you usually eat for breakfast? grits and eggs
6. What’s your middle name? Frededrian... Now pronounce that!
7. What food do you dislike? unagi (eel)
8. What’s your favorite CD at the moment? Casting Crown - The Alter and the Door
9. What kind of car do you drive? 2008 Chevy Equinox
10. What’s your favorite sandwich? philly cheese steak
11. What characteristic do you despise? Lying
12. What’s your favorite item of clothing? capris
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Japan
14. Are you an organized person? I try to be.
15. Where do you want to retire to? Hilton Head, SC
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? 2006, I was pregnant with my little angel. 17. What are you going to do when you finish this? Get back to work
18. Furthest place you are sending this? Cyberspace
19. Person you expect to fill it out first? Who knows
20. What’s on your bathroom counter? Make-up case, toothbrushes, hand soap, electric razor, beard trimmer, inhaler
21. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Night owl
22. What’s your shoe size? 11
23. Any pets? 2 dogs, 1 cat, 3 turtles...zoo!
24. Any new & exciting news you’d like to share? We'll be certified foster parents next week (July 15).
25. What did you want to be when you were little? a doctor
26. How are you today? Sleepy and ready for the weekend
27. What’s your favorite flower? Black magic roses
28. What’s the next date you’re looking forward to? July 15th
29. What are you listening to right now? Prince on my mp3 player
30. What’s the last thing you ate? scrambled eggs, hash browns, and saugsage
31. Do you wish on stars? Sometimes
32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Pink of course
33. How is the weather right now? Hot and humid as hell
34. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? co-worker in NC
35. Favorite soft drink? Coke
36. Favorite restaurant? Kyoto Sushi and Bar
37. Hair color? dark brown with caramel/blond highlights
38. What was your favorite toy as a child? cabbage patch doll
39. Summer or winter? winter
40. Do you like your hair? Sometimes
41. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate
42. Coffee or tea? Tea
43. Do you prefer your friends e-mail or call you? E-mail...I hate talking on the phone
44. When was the last time you cried? A couple of days ago...I miss my little girl.
45. What’s under your bed? the naughty drawer
46. What did you do last night? visited my parents, cooked dinner, and went to bed
47. What are you afraid of? Never being able to have another child that lives.
48. Salty or sweet? Either...depends on my mood.
49. How many keys are on your key ring? 8
50. How long have you been at your current job? 3 1/2 years
51. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
52. Do you make friends easily? I guess
53. How many brothers & sisters do you have? 1 older brother
54. Are your parents still married? Yep
55. Do you like finding little details about your friends? Yep

Last Class

Well, we're done with MAPP classes now! Next week will be our last official meeting, but it's basically a dinner and panel of experts discussing all aspects of foster care and adoption. I'm hoping that my parents will be up to coming that night. So now we're just waiting until our home study is done which can take up to 90 days from when we turned in our paperwork back on the 17th of June. I'm praying that it won't take that long to finish and get a baby placed with us. Tonight was a good class and a lot of open discussions on bonds, attachments to birth families, and fostering in general. I found it interesting and kind of sad that some people really couldn't grasp the fact that we live in the south, and it might not be the best for a child to be dropped into a close knit community full of people of another race that's not used to having anyone "different" living with them. The social workers kept trying to explain it to them, but they just weren't getting it. One of the CW told a story about a set of biracial twin babies that were placed in an all white close minded community. The case worker ended up picking the kids up about an hour after he left because the foster parent called and said that they didn't think it would work because the kids were biracial. One why didn't the foster parent just say that before the CW drove an hour to bring the kids? You should know in your heart what you can and can't handle when it comes to something like race. It's one of the 1st things people notice. It's not like it's something you learn later when you meet someone face to face! I know it's probably wrong, but I hope that Rob and I being an interracial couple will play in our favor. We've got both cultures in one home, and all of our extended family has no problem with it. So I guess the waiting game really begins now.

Visit #1 Done!

We had our 1st home study visit this evening, and I think it very well. A, the case worker, came by about 5:15 and stayed for a little over an hour. She looked at the pictures I took of all of the rooms in the house to help speed our process along. They were exactly what she wanted so we marked that part off the list. She looked at our wedding memory book that's on our coffee table because she's never seen an actual printed and bound book for wedding photos. Most of the questions that were asked were directed to me since I was done with all my questions on the paperwork. Rob still has several pages to go, but she said that was fine since she has make a 2nd visit anyway. So we will turn in our completed paperwork then. I was a little miffed that she didn't look at any of the rooms in person or check for any of the safety stuff. Maybe she assumed that we had done the whole house since you could plainly see the cabinet locks on our china hutch in the dining room when she came in the house. Our next visit will be in about a week or so. She'll give us a call to schedule it since she forgot her work calendar.

I've been promising pictures of the nursery for weeks. Here are the ones I took and gave to the case worker. I still can't get the true color of the walls to come through on camera. Enjoy!

Home Study

Today is the day of our home study. I've been so stressed out the past few days and especially last night. We ended up having to spend the day with Rob's family, and that threw off my whole work schedule. We were up until 2 AM last night trying to finish off things and clean the house. We're still not done. I'm leaving work at 2 to do the dishes, sweep again and mop again, clean up the animals, and pick up some last minute things from Wal-mart! All in 3 hours. I will probably crash like a ton of bricks as soon as the social worker leaves. We're almost there thank God! I can see an end in sight and hopefully my head will see my pillow soon too. So tired.

Great deals!

I'm going through withdrawls right now, our internet at home is down. Stupid Bell*South! It won't be up until tomorrow, I hope. So I'm sitting in my office at the church while the band practices for Sunday blogging and shopping online. I've been spending a lot of time on eBay looking for deals on baby stuff. So far I've gotten several awesome ones for crib sheets, clothes, and hooded towels. I've been driving myself nuts the past few days looking for a swing that doesn't cost an arm and leg. eBay has been a bust because the shipping costs are ridiculous for most items that size. We almost bought one last night from Wal-Mart for $100, but I decided to wait and keep looking. This morning I remembered Craigslist, and that we now have listings for our area. So I pulled it up, and guess what I found? I got an almost brand new Graco Lovin Hug swing for only $45!!! Her baby only used it for 2 weeks, and he's only 9 months old now. I'm too excited about my deal!
I also snagged an Exersaucer in excellent condition for $25! I just need to find somewhere to put it until I need it, but I couldn't pass up a deal like that. I'm still on the hunt for a glider or a traditional rocker for the nursery. I just refuse to settle for one that doesn't match to only save a few bucks. There's a wood craftsman that has a shop not too far from us, and I plan to stop over there and check out a rocker. We got the gun safe last night, and the lock for the closet that has the swords and other weapons in it now. We're about 90% done with the child proofing. We still have a couple of cabinets that are proving difficult to secure. Once the garbage men come tomorrow, and haul away all the boxes and stuff we can really start cleaning this weekend. I'm too excited about getting all the excess boxes out of my house and out of my way!

We still have a lot of the home study questions to fill out, but it's hard. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't ask the same question 4 different ways right after each other. My hand is aching just thinking out it. But we will have it all done for Monday. Wow, time is really moving fast.

Well, I probably won't check back in tomorrow so Happy 4th to everyone!

Our Company

Check out our CEO, Glen Post, on the phone with Jim Cramer of Mad Money talking about the huge dividend increase that was issued a few days ago. National exposure and a Buy rating from Jim Cramer! Yay!

http://www.cnbc.com/id/15840232?video=781581975

Coming together

We bought the crib mattress and some more baby proofing items last night. I was hoping to get the same mattress that my co-worker suggested from Target. It was a $55.00 Sealy mattress with 150 steel coils so it would be nice and firm. But our Target was out. I checked Burlington Coat Factory and Wal-Mart too. But neither of them had a decent firm mattress for a good price in stock. So I ended up at Toys R Us, and thankfully they had a nice Sealy 150 coil mattress that's nice and firm in stock for $69.99. I jumped on it since our home study is next Monday! It fits perfectly in our crib, and Rob and I had a time trying to figure out how to install the bumper pad. I'm not sure I like it that much. I may have my mother-in-law add some more ties to it so it will be tighter around the sides of the crib. We're still having a heck of time getting some of the cabinets secured since the handles are so far apart. We've tried 3 different locking systems and none of them fit! Any suggestions would be appreciated. We're at the point now of trying to move the handles on the cabinets, but I'd prefer not too since that will leave some ugly holes in very visible cabinets.

Tonight is Class # 5 which will be on discipline. I think it's going to be interesting to learn about other forms of discipline. Because both Rob and I were raised getting our butts spanked, and that's not an option with a foster child.

Miranda

Today we visited our friends Phillip and Susan, and met their new daughter, Miranda. She's almost 3 weeks old now, and so precious. Lots of strawberry blond hair and deep blue eyes. She's their 1st baby, and she was a welcome surprise for them. They've been married for almost 15 years. This was the first time I've held a baby that small in my arms since Madison. I just held her for hours, and it felt so good. This was Rob's first time holding a small baby since Maddie too. It warmed my heart and kind of hurt it to see him holding a little baby. I never saw him hold Madison except for in a picture. I'm looking forward to babysitting for Phil and Susan just to spend more time with little Miranda. Today just adds to my desire to have babies in our house as soon as possible. My empty arms are aching again.

Cycle Day 1

It's not like I expected it, but it's also not like I wanted it to show up either. So my 3rd cycle on clomid was a failure. The "miracle drug" fails again. I've decided to continue trying on our own for a while. I'm just so tired of going to the doctor. I'll keep my main focus on getting ready for our home study and preparing for a placement. We only have a little over 2 weeks left until our "graduation class" or our final session. The final session will be a discussion panel with lots of people involved in the whole foster/adopt process that we can invite our families to attend. I hope that my parents will be able to make it that night, but it all depends on how my mom is feeling.

We worked on decorating the walls in the nursery today, and I hope to finish them tomorrow. We're waiting for payday this week to go purchase the mattress, gun safe, and a few more small things. I can't wait to get the mattress so we can finally see how the crib bedding looks in the room. I pray we don't do all this work on a nursery and end up not getting an infant.

Other People's Snatchers

Last night I found out that a former friend of ours had a daughter on May 13 of this year. It hurt me so much because he's one of those idiots that hasn't done anything to deserve a gift like that. I hate when babies are born on Maddie's birth/angel day. Because I know that people will remember that day as that babies' birthday, but soon if not already people will forget why May 13 means anything to me. Why is it so easy for everyone else? Everywhere I look there's a pregnant woman, a new baby, or a pregnancy announcement. I really wish I knew what was wrong with me.

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard

-Dixie Chicks "So Hard"

I Flunked Again

Another cycle down the drain and more tears shed for an illusive dream. I tried not to get my hopes up this cycle. I kept my mind on other things as long as I could. I actually made it to 11 days after ovulation before I started to wonder if this may be our month. My temperatures were looking so good, but that can be deceiving. I tested at 13 dpo and got my usual results. And it's like my body needed a cue because my temps have dropped steadily since then. So I'm just waiting on aunt flow to show up to officially close this month's chapter. We've been spending a lot of time getting the house together for the home study the past several days, and last night I was organizing the closet. I came across the dress we bought Madison the day we confirmed that we were having a little girl. It's a little white and pink onesie with a pink jumper over it. It meets the girly requirements with ruffles and a little lace. She would have looked so beautiful in it. But she probably would have been too big for it by the time she was full term. She was already a good 15 inches long at almost 24 weeks! I still think about what our lives would be like now with her. I miss her all the time. But I have to accept the fact that the baby things we bought with her in mind will be used by someone else. When does it start to hurt less? When will I be able to type about her without the tears welling up in my eyes and falling on my keyboard?

Getting Closer and closer

I'm excited I just a call from our home development worker that will be handling our home study. She wanted to know if we would be able to meet with her a few minutes before class tonight to set up when she will start her visits. She sounded very nice on the phone, and I'm looking forward to meeting her tonight. Tonight will be our 4th out of 7 classes. I can finally see an end in sight!

We had our physicals and TB tests yesterday morning. We have to go back tomorrow to have the TB test read, and pick up our completed forms from the nurse. We shopped for a small gun safe, and found a good deal on one that we will get soon. Also we have finished painting in the nursery!!! Yay! We decided to take off the closet doors in there, and have an open closet set up instead. I've got several cute sage colored organizers that we will put in there. The open closet just makes the whole room look bigger which is a good thing when you have a room that's 10x11. Rob has this afternoon off to get his fingerprints done, and he will work on the closet some more. I'm so happy that we are really close to putting the crib together and the changing table so we can really see how the room looks with furniture. I will post pictures of the before and after once we're closer to completion. But trust me it looks like a totally different room from that nasty little circus theme room it was when we bought the house.

Still not 100%

But I am feeling better today. I took some meds and crashed on Friday evening. I made sure to force myself to eat some soup and drink some gatoraide to keep from becoming completely dehydrated. Today I went to help my mom do some housework even though I was exhausted. My mom had a pacemaker put in on Wednesday even though I didn't find out until Thursday. She didn't want my brother and I to know so we wouldn't worry. WTF? I'm still angry about that. How can you hide something like that from your family? She would have been beyond pissed at me if I had done something like that to her. Ughhhhhhh! I'm still going to worry so hiding it didn't stop the worrying. It just makes me worry more because I don't know if there's more she's hiding. I love my mama, and I can't imagine life without her. I need her around for as long as possible. I want so badly to make her a grandma again.

We've started working on the nursery again. We vacuum sealed a bunch of clothes, sheets, and a feather bed that we're not using anymore so we can put it all away in the attic instead of in the nursery. Rob primed the walls while I was at my parents' house, and tomorrow we will take off the baseboards and paint. I'm excited to paint and finally see the room in a nice color instead of the radioactive puke green it's been since we painted back in 2006. We've been putting off painting until we finally had a good prospect of filling that room with a baby. After we finish painting we will steam clean the carpet with the new carpet steamer I ordered last night from QVC. Hey just because I'm sick doesn't mean I will miss out on the anniversary of Easy Pay! Five easy payments with no interest or fees, how much better can you get! It's great to be able to budget for things.

Oh yeah, I also bought a bouncer on my latest trip to Wally World. I've been looking for an inexpensive one, and this one goes so well with the whole turtle duckie theme I've got going for the nursery. And it was on sale for only $19!

My fingerprinting is done. It was cool the way they do then printing without ink now. They print your 4 fingers as a set then your thumbs. And the computer tells them that they all match and came from the same person. Tomorrow I will go through our stuff and pull our birth certificates, social security cards, car registrations, and other items on our checklist to make copies to turn into our home study worker on Tuesday. I'm excited to finally meet them. They are the person that hopefully help us toward our future son or daughter.

So sick

I've been sick since yesterday morning and it's gotten worse and worse as I go on. I won't go into too many details. Just know that I am spending a lot of time in the bathroom, and when I'm not in there for 30+ minutes at a time I feel like I need to be in there. We're completely out of anything that would help me at home and at work. I have no appetite at all and even the smell of food is making me nauseous. I'm counting down my hours until I get off early today and I can go stock up on some pepto or something like that. I have to remember that I have an appointment at 3 to get my fingerprinting done for my foster care background check. And Rob and I have our physicals and TB tests scheduled for Monday morning. I need to call my health insurance to see if they will cover the exams and tests because my doc's office said that they have been getting denied for exams and TB tests for some reason. I will be beyond angry if my company doesn't cover it. They can at least cover that since they don't cover hardly anything that may help me get pregnant!

On a happier note, we got a great deal on a convertible car seat Wednesday night. We got the Evenflo Tribute 5 one for only $49.99.
So we're one step closer to having all the basics covered for a baby to be placed with us. I'm still looking for a good deal on a swing and a bouncer since Dream Mommy suggested that those would be good things to have since a large majority of babies in foster care are on breathing treatments. Well, time for me to make another run from my desk to the bathroom. Please pray for me that I get over this soon.

Not alone

I've found a couple of internet friends in the past few days that are also fostering to adopt. Some of them even have experience with my state and how the system works here. It's great to know we're not alone in this, and that I know someone who has "been there and done that." She's renewed my hopes that we can truly get a baby through this process. Now I can't wait to get these classes done and get our home study out of the way! Check out one the ladies' blogs, Dream Mommy, it's a great one. I've been reading it all weekend from the beginning back in 2005.

Still Mad

Last night Rob and I went out to dinner like we try to do at least once a week. We were supposed to be going to a nice sit down meal at a local seafood restaurant, Cypress Inn, that we love. As soon as we walk in the host tells us that they are completely out of catfish for the day. This was fine we could find something else on the menu. We sit down and the waitress comes over and tells us the same thing. "You can order anything on the menu except catfish." Ok, no problem I order the all you can eat shrimp and Rob orders a fried crawfish and fried crab claws plate. Both meals were supposed to have french fries. About 10-15 minutes after she took our order, she came by to tell me that she changed my order since they were closing at 8 and the chef wouldn't be doing any all you can eat meals. She didn't ask me to change my order. No, she took it upon herself to change my order for me. Maybe I didn't want just a shrimp plate. But she walked away as soon as she said that. Then I notice another 2 groups of people come in and be seated about 20 minutes after they claimed to be closing. One family sits by us and they order catfish. They get catfish. WTF? You tell us you have no catfish, but now all of sudden you have whole catfish. If you had whole catfish the whole time you could have said that. All you had to do was say we don't have any catfish fillets, but we do have whole catfish. I HATE being lied to.

Then she brings our meals and one of them has a baked potato. I'm fuming at this point. I couldn't even speak. I had to have Rob tell her our problems because I probably would have cussed her out. We ate our meal in silence and left as soon as we had our ticket. Robert voiced our problems to the cashier and all she had to say was "I'm sorry. She shouldn't have told you we were closing early since you were here before 8." That's not the only freaking problem. We did find out that the previous owner that I know and is a member of our church sold the place. So now it makes sense. I know I wouldn't have gotten such crappy service if Bob was still the owner. He cared about his customers, and it's obvious that the new owner just cares about the all mighty dollar. So this event marks another restaurant off of our list. I just hate it when local restaurants go down the tubes. But I work too hard for my money to waste it on crappy service.

Anime Fan Girl

Last night Rob and I went to see the movie, Bleach- Memories of Nobody. It's yet another one of my favorite anime brought to the big screen. It came out in 2006 in Japan, and just debuted in US theaters last night. It will only play for 2 showings in 2 days all over the country. I literally screamed when I saw the ads for it a a few weeks ago. I will rearrange my whole schedule to see certain movies. So I skipped drama rehearsal last night. A girl has got to keep her priorities in line.

I am very happy that anime has really taken off in popularity in the US in the past couple of years. Now it's much easier to find the dvds or watch the English translations on TV or find copies of mangas in the bookstore here in little ole Monroe. I can now walk in my local Books a Million and choose from hundreds of manga books. I don't have to buy them online from some other country anymore. I still have to do a lot of my anime shopping online because the selection is amazing, and I'll never find a lot of these things in a brick and mortar store.

Back to the movie. This movie was SO SO SO SOOOOOOO Good. I cried at the end. There was a much better group of movie goers there last night than the group we had to watch the Naruto movie with. I think it helped that most of them we not 13 years old and dropped off by their mommy with their friends. I found this great video that really captures the feel of the movie without the dialog that would lose most people that haven't been keeping up with the series.

Why Am I Here?

I guess it's time to change my little paragraph into my soul that used to be posted on the header of my blog, but has since been moved to the sidebar. Right now it says:

This is a journal about my life after losing the most precious person to me, my daughter, Madison. I was forced to give birth to her 16 weeks before she was due. Our little fighter stayed with us for 10 hours. She got her wings, May 13, 2006. Now a year later I'm ready to explore myself and my life as the mother of an angel. These are my raw emotions, thoughts, fears, and dreams as I try to figure out where do I go from here.

What's changed:

1. It's been 2 years since Madison was born/died.
2. I'm dealing with more raw emotions besides my grief and anger at losing my daughter. I have the bitch called Infertility laughing in my face every month. I'd like to rip her heart out and stomp on it like she does mine every few weeks now for the last 2 years.

I'm still not sure how to summarize me and my life in a nice little nutshell...yep nutshell really is the perfect word to describe my life. What am I? I'm an angel mommy that is still grieving for her children while simultaneously grieving for the dreams that so far out reach while being drugged, poked and prodded in the hopes that she will get pregnant, and bring home a living baby plus working towards becoming a foster/adoptive parent. Holy Run-on sentence, Batman!

Back to the drawing board.

Blogs

I've wondered for a while what makes a good blog? Is it the person's writing style or the person's story? Is it just being able to get a glimpse into someone else's life from their perspective? Why do some people have tons of comments for each and every post they make while others have none? Do people not comment because they feel like they don't "know" the person well enough to comment? I know people are reading my blog, and I read a lot of other people's blogs. I don't care for blogs about famous people even if they are done by that person. If I hear all your business on TV or see you on the cover a tabloid then I don't really care to read more about you. I prefer every day, run of the mill people, people that you might pass on the street or walk by in the grocery store. Those are the interesting stories to me. I read a lot of infertility blogs and blogs about people who have lost babies too. I feel a connection with them. But I still wonder what makes a truly good blog.

Edited June 11, 2008:

I just wanted to make it clear that this post was not to whine, complain, or troll for more comments. It was simply me wondering what other people like to read on a blog. I read a lot of different blogs, and it just got me to thinking about what makes one blog more popular than another. Also I know that I don't comment on every blog I read so I don't expect everyone that reads my blog to leave a comment.

Foster/Adopt

We started the certification classes to foster/adopt through the state last week as many of you already know. But the past few days I've found myself considering adopting an older child. I know right now our state alone as some 5,173 children waiting to be placed in a loving home. These children range from babies to older teenagers. I know that the chance of us getting a keeping a healthy baby is low. So I expanded my search criteria from under 3 to age 10. This increased the number of children I was looking at from 5 to 147. Out of that 147, we found 9 that we would like to find out more information on. There are 2 boys and 7 girls in that set ranging from a 5 year old up to a 9 year old. They all sound like really great kids, and only 1 of them sounds like he may have more problems than we are ready to take on right now. One of them loves cartoons and just spending time with her foster parents. One is an 3rd grade honor roll student that just wants a permanent home to call her own. One loves math and wants to be a doctor when she grows up. We really feel like we can make a difference in some child's life and that they are still young enough for us to do that.

Rob likes to mess with me and tell me that I'm window shopping for kids since I go to the Adopt Us Kids website at least once a week and just look around. I chose to potentially foster/adopt through the state because I didn't want to feel like I was buying someone's kid. I just can't wrap my mind around paying some lawyer or agency $12,000 to $30,000 to get a baby. Do you realize what I can do with that much money? There is no way it truly costs that much to handle an adoption. People are lining their pockets on the backs of other people and their desire to have a child. It just makes me sick to think about it. So while we continue to try to conceive another baby we will continue on this path towards adoption also. And just wait to see what God has planned for us next.

Odd thoughts

Yesterday on my way home from my aunt's funeral, I sat in the passenger seat as Rob drove. I held 2 carnations, one pink and one white, in my hands as I let my mind wander. And I thought about Madison's funeral. I wondered why we only had 1 flower arrangement there, a small spray of pink daisies with a little pink ribbon topped with a little girl cherub. I just remember sitting there looking at that little white casket and wondering why there was only 1 flower arrangement. My hospital room had been full of flowers and plants. Why didn't anyone think to bring those? Why didn't anyone think to get more flowers, maybe some roses or sunflowers or something live. I needed something alive. I didn't feel alive and I damn sure knew my daughter wasn't alive so I needed something to be there that was alive. But I didn't say anything about. I never said anything about it until yesterday. I think I upset Rob asking him about it. I wish that I had been in the right frame of mind to handle her funeral arrangements. But while everything was being arranged I was still in the hospital. I gave the go ahead for the funeral to proceed on the day after I expected to be released from the hospital. I couldn't bear the thought of her being in some cold, dark room all alone anymore. I needed to put her and my heart to rest. I just assumed that people would know that there should be lots of flowers. She's a girl. What little girl doesn't like lots of flowers? Since she didn't get a lot of flowers that day I make sure to always bring her something pretty every time I go visit her. I try to keep her grave pretty. It's all I have now.

Where do I belong?

I've had a couple of different online homes over the past couple of years, and I've left them for any number of reasons. But the most common reason was feeling like I wasn't a part of the group anymore. It seemed like everyone moved on to bigger and better things and I was still here in a rut. I found the C.O. on my 28th birthday, and I've been there ever since. I thought I had finally found a place to stay, a place where I wouldn't get left behind. But it seems like every day I'm being left behind more and more. Every day it seems like someone is getting pregnant. I feel so bad for even saying this because I love those girls so much and I am truly happy for them. But it still hurts. I'm a 2 time loser at this point. Even when I get pregnant again, if I get pregnant again, I won't be able to breathe easy until the kid is at home with me. The whole time I will be freaking out about every twinge, ache, or headache thinking that it's the reaper come to take away me or my baby. I will never have a happy, blissful, routine pregnancy. I won't count down the days until my due date. I will count down the days until 23 weeks and 5 days. Then I will count each day after that until I reach my 3rd trimester. Some stupid people care about getting to the age of viability for a baby. But I could care less about that date. Getting past that date didn't get me anything at all.

Last night was the 1st of the 3 hour classes we will have to take over the next month and a half. We have 7 classes total before we can be certified as foster/adoptive parents. While we are taking the classes the social worker who is assigned to us will do our home study. So by the time we're done with our classes our home study will be done too. And then it's just a matter of time before we're matched with children. I will say that I'm still afraid of the whole foster to adopt process because I know it will rip my heart out to have a baby and then have to let them go if the court says they must be returned. But one of the good things that we learned last night is that we're being certified to be placed with a child that will stay with us if their parent's rights are terminated.

We have a huge stack of papers to fill out over the next couple of weeks. But I expected that, actually I expected even more forms. It was interesting to see the wide range of people that were there last night. There were some couples there that are younger than we are, a middle aged couple that's getting married in a few weeks, several school teachers, and even a single young man that's getting ready to graduate college next week. I'm looking forward to continuing this process, and seeing where it takes us.

More Goodbyes

My aunt Ethel, my mom's sister, passed away last Thursday after a lengthy illness. She's been sick for so long. I know in my heart that it's a blessing that she won't have to suffer any more, but it doesn't make me any less saddened by her passing. I remember when I was little girl she would let me brush her hair. I loved it because it felt just like one of my baby dolls. I used to love being around her all the time until I was about 10. She went crazy around that time. She would talk to herself and scream at the voices she was hearing in her head. I was 10 and I didn't know she was sick. None of us knew that she wasn't just mentally ill. No one found out until years later that she had lupus, and that was what was causing the mental illness. Once she got on medicine she was much better, but never ever the same as she was when I was little girl. She and her son moved in with my grandparents around the time she lost it, and she stayed there until earlier this year. Her siblings, my mom and uncle, took care of her finances and things. When I started to drive it was my responsibility to do her grocery shopping or take her shopping when she could still walk around the store on her own. So about once a month I would go to her and get her grocery list and some cash, and spend an afternoon shopping for her. She liked for me to do the shopping because I would get the brands she wanted instead of just getting the cheapest brand I could find like my mom would do. High school kids are not the best bargain hunters when it comes to groceries.

Even when I stopped shopping for her I would still visit on holidays and sometimes when I was at my parents' house. She always asked my mom about me. She always wanted to know how I was doing like I was her own child. But over the years the lupus took it's toll on her body. She had to use a walker for the last few years, and some days she couldn't even stand. But despite it all she managed to show up at my wedding. She really wanted to see me get married.

Things just got worse and worse after that. This year she got to the point where she couldn't do anything for herself, not walk or even sit up. My mom and uncle had to make the hard decision to put their younger sister in a nursing home earlier this year. In the past few months, she had a stroke and several other problems that left her permanently disabled. I'm not even sure if she would have known who I was near the end, but I regret not going to see her. I should have gone anyway, but now it's too late. I know she knows how much I loved her, and I'm glad that she's out of pain now.

Moving Forward

I went in to see Dr. L today to check my ovaries to make sure they weren't enlarged, and to check for any cysts. I had to do this in order to start another round of clomid. Luckily Rob was able to go with me because that place was crawling with preggos and new babies. I don't feel like I'm alone when he's there with me even though he just sits there with me. Doc checked me out and everything looked good. He was concerned that I never got a definite positive ovulation test on my 2nd cycle of clomid. So he upped my dosage from 50 mg to 100 mg this cycle, and they will do blood work to confirm ovulation. I really hoping and praying that the increase in clomid and the metformin will be the key this cycle. I also got my HSG results back and everything looks good and open and clear. So I'm excited and ready to get started on my meds. Let the games begin!