More tears

Sometimes I wish I would run out of tears. I wish that my heart would just completely turn to stone so that it would never hurt again. I hate being jealous of my friends, but I can't help it. I hurt for those who are trying to get pregnant and it's taking way too long. But at the same time so many of them have a child at home. And then they get pregnant before me, and they will deliver before me. And I'll still be here in a home with a empty nursery and empty arms. I got a beautiful birth annoucement in the mail today about an hour after yet another negative test. In the same set of mail I got a package from the company that bought the Preeclampsia Foundation Memorial quilt last year. They turned some of the squares into notecards and sold them as a fundraiser for the organization. They sent each person that participated in the making of the quilt a set of the cards. Madison's square was made into a card, and it's beautiful. I will always treasure it, but it just reminds me of my childless existance. I'm starting to lose hope that we will ever be parents again. Every month my body plays with my head. My cycle is late so most people would assume that they are pregnant. But not me. My usual clockwork cycles have been replaced by ambiguity and pain. I'm afraid to go to my doctor because I know that he wants to move on to more aggressive treatments, and we can't afford that. My insurance doesn't cover injections or inseminations or anything like that. The only reason that Clomid has been affordable is because Wal-mart added it to their cheap prescription list this year because my insurance doesn't cover anything. But you can only take Clomid for so long. We can't afford private adoption so we're stuck hoping and praying that one of the girls living at the maternity home that works with the agency we're using chooses adoption and has a mixed baby. Since that's the only thing that puts us anywhere near the top of the waiting list. That's a lot of hoping with no end in sight. I really wish I could just give up sometimes and walk way from it all.

Apprehensive or Just Scared

Last week I went to an orientation for the state foster/adopt program. I listened to all the information and I was lucky that one of the attendees is an adoptive mother through this same program. She's coming back to do it again. It was helpful to hear from someone that's been through it all before. The social worker was nice, and very honest. They are not really an adoption agency, and "perfect" babies are hard to come by. They had lots of older kids and need to be adopted. But that's not really what Rob and I want. I think it would be weird for two 28 year olds to adopt a teenager or even a preteen. We would consider a toddler. But at the same time the thought of packing up all the baby stuff in the nursery and turning it into a kid's bedroom breaks my heart. We have tried for a baby for so long, and we have so much stuff. We could have the room ready for baby in a day. We're got the crib, dresser, and changing table. We've got all the organizers, bath supplies, and a lot of clothes for either a boy or a girl. I feel like I'm giving up on my dreams if we don't have or adopt a baby. The problem with all the children under 3 in LA foster care that are up for adoption now are severely handicapped. They are on feeding tubes, blind, or severely retarded. I wouldn't have had a problem if this was Madison since we would have faced these same things if she had lived, but in my heart I know that I can't go out looking for that type of challenge. We both work full time and raising a child that needs that much care is a full time job. But I would have given it all up for Madison. Rob and I decided that we will continue on and attend the 7 weeks of training classes in order to be certified and have our home study done since it is ultimately our decision on who we adopt. It will take about 3 months for us to be certified, and a lot can change in 3 months.

Insulin Resistance Diet

I've had some people ask me about the diet I'm using to hopefully get my blood sugar levels back where they need to be and to shed this weight. After a lot of research, I decided on the Insulin Resistance Diet. I will say up front that I have not read the book that goes along with the diet. I've gotten most my info online from my CO friends that are doing it because of their PCOS and from the website that is done by the authors of the book. I've also learned a lot from people I've met on SparkPeople, a weight loss, nutrition, and fitness site. This is only day 2 so I'm by no way an expert, but here's a good rundown of the diet that I found online and I've been using.

Basic Philosophy/Strategy: According to the authors, it is not carbohydrates that cause weight gain, but lack of protein and an excess of carbohydrates consumed in one sitting. Therefore, the authors recommended that carbs and protein be consumed in the ratio of 15g:7g. The maximum amount of carbohydrate allowed per meal or snack is 30g, and this must be balanced with at least 14g of protein. This concept is referred to as "linking and balancing" in that all carbs are linked with protein and balanced in this specific ratio.

The authors endorse the low fat hypothesis, so the plan dictates that low fat protein such as poultry, fish and low fat dairy products be used mainly as protein sources. Red meat can only be consumed 2 or 3 times a week. The plan counts beans and milk as proteins.

All vegetables with the exception of corn and potatoes can be eaten freely on the diet. Avocados and olives must be limited however due to their high fat content. Apples, cherries, peaches, plums and grapefruit do not need to be linked and balanced with protein, but are confined to no more than a half cup serving every 2 to 3 hours.

No more than 32g of carbs may be consumed within 2 hours. If one consumes more than this then the excess is stored as fat. This concept is known as the 2 hour fat window. Protein, however can be eaten at any time

Exercise is strongly endorsed

Critical of ketogenic diets, citing patients who have become ill (!!)

4. By the numbers:

Fat:20-30%, Protein: 20-30% Carbohydrate: 40-60%

Fats and Oils: Keep fats to a minimum, include some good fats

High-Carbohydrate Foods :Eat no more than 2 servings at any one time. Eat at least 2 fruits servings daily

High-Protein Foods: Eat at least 8 servings a day. Include 2 to 5 servings of dairy foods

Vegetables: Consume Freely, but eat at least 3 servings a day

5. Method: see no. 3

6. Typical menu:

Bfast:egg on toast, yogurt with cereal, milk with cereal

Lunch: Sandwhich with meat and low fat cheese, grilled chicken salad , beef soup with a potato

Dinner: Lean meat with a potato and vegetables, lentil pilaf with low fat cheese, pasta with meatballs and a green salad

7. Emphasis on: Fat and Protein. Can be difficult to find low fat protein sources if you do not wish to include milk and beans as true protein sources.

8. Unique Features: Resembles a diabetic diet. No foods are banned which makes this plan very livable. Suitable for vegetarians. Treats are recommended up to 2 or 3 times a week. This may lead people down the slippery slop if they "treat" themselves to foods they are actually addicted to such as sugar.

May not work for those who are very sensitive to carbohydrates. Proscribes to the low fat theory, so is more likely to be accepted by the mainstream medical establishment.


9. About the authors

Cheryle R. Hart. M.D. is the founder of the Wellness Workshop, a medical weight-loss clinic in Washington. She was the associate clinical professor of medicine at the Mayo Clinic and the University of Washington Medical School. She specializes in bariatrics. Her clinic address the four main aspects of what she considers to be successful weight management: medical, nutritional, fitness education and emotional support.

Mary Kay Grossman, R.D.

She is the nutritional adviser for the Wellness Workshop. Discovered that she too suffered from Insulin Resistance when she began to formulate menus and plans for her patients. This plan enabled her to finally lose weight seven years after the birth of her child.

I hope this helps!

Day 1

I haven't had much in the way of carbs today. No bread, no potatoes, no flour. Since I wasn't really prepared for a life changing diet I didn't have too much to choose from at home. I cooked my first frittata, which is basically an Italian omelet that's flat not folded, last night. It has eggs, tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, parmesan cheese, a habanero pepper, and some bacon. It turned out really, really good. So I had that for breakfast and since I needed to work through lunch to make up time, I had another slice for lunch. Actually I'm eating it now. I plan on shopping this weekend so that I can have the necessary supplies to have a variety of dishes. I'm not sure what we're having for dinner since we usually eat out on Thursdays. Rob decided to go on the diet with me in about a week. He's got a bunch of leftovers to finish off so we don't just waste food. I'm really trying to give this diet a go, but it was so hard not to just pick up a burger on my way back to the office today.

I started testing my blood glucose today, and it was a lot easier than I expected. It was painless. Now I just need to get my numbers down.

Yet more problems

I was thinking about my sister-in-law and PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) a few days ago, and it got me to researching. I doubted that I had the same problem since I don't think I've ever had a cyst, but I've had a ton of fibroids. I looked at the symptoms or PCOS and saw that I had a few of them. This led me to researching about Insulin Resistance. And I found that I had more than a few of those symptoms. Rob called me a hypochondriac for looking up symptoms for diseases to see if I had it. But how else would you find out?

Well I decided to go see my family doctor, Dr. C, today to get checked out. I've gone to him for about 18 years so he has my most extensive medical history of any of my docs. He checked and guess what? I'm a diabetic. What the hell?! If I didn't already have a enough shit going on in my life. Can't I catch a break sometimes? But I should have known. My parents, and all of my grandparents had the disease. So it was just a matter of time I guess. Dr. C didn't want me to go on medicine right now. He's always been the kind to try to control some things with diet and exercise. So I'll be starting the IR (Insulin Resistant) diet or South Beach diet tomorrow. I haven't decided exactly which one yet, but it's my choice. He gave me a blood sugar meter, and I have to test twice a day. I'll go back to see him in about a month.

All my online buddies keep telling me that I'm one step closer to my BFP now, and I really hope they are right. Dr. C did mention that he will venture to guess this is why I'm having such a hard time getting pregnant. When I got pregnant with Madison I was over 50 pounds lighter than I am now. That just sucks donkey balls. This diet is going to be so hard for me. I love sweets. Just love, love, love them. I love carbs. I think I might chew off my arm in a couple of days without my beloved rice, potatoes, corn, and pasta. What the hell is left if you lose those things? I have to try to look on the bright side, and I'll let you know as soon as I find it. :(

Double Standards

We're going out to lunch today for one of my co-workers birthday. The way we handle birthdays has changed constantly but never consistently since I've been here. My first day here was on my 25th birthday. No one even knew it was my birthday until several weeks later. But at that time the group had a birthday club. The person that had the last birthday would by the cake for the next person's birthday. It worked pretty good, but some people didn't want to participate the next year. So after I bought someone's cake the group decided to end the birthday club 2 weeks before my 26th birthday. Just my luck, no cake for me. The group decided to not celebrate anyone's birthday as a group except for people like our boss and our VP. This lasted for a year even though some people other than the boss and VP got cakes or lunches. I didn't get squat. Really makes you see how important you are to people. My boss bought me a cake this year out of no where, and I was shocked. But that's all I got. Not like other people who get a cake and lunch and gifts. I would think I was being a brat complaining that no one does anything for me on my birthday, but several other people have mentioned the double standards when it comes to birthdays in out group. Well time to go to lunch, I'll try to post later about what's going on with me besides being the red headed step child.

Waiting on my newest furbaby

I paid the deposit on a little orange kitty on Saturday. I'm getting him from an area shelter. His current name is O'range, but that will change when we get him home. He's about 4 weeks old now so he's got a couple more weeks before I can take him home. But that didn't stop me from picking up some food, a brush, shampoo, food dish, and a cute kitty bed for him. I'm so excited!!! Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted a little orange kitty cat. But my parents refused to let us have pets besides fish. So last week I was thinking about a kitty again and just pulled up Petfinder and there he was in a shelter about 30 miles from here. I forgot to save the picture they had of him, and now they've taken his listing down since he's mine. But here's a picture of a kitty that kind of looks like him except my kitty's ears are still closed.

Oh yeah, I'm open to any suggestions on a name for him. DH suggested Hobbes, but I'm not 100% sold on it yet.

Where have I gone?

It's a little over 2 weeks until Madison would have been 2 years old. We should have a rambunctious toddler running around our house. Yet all we have is the noise from a TV, dogs barking, and turtle tank filters running water. I still can't believe that 2 years have passed and we're still childless. I never imagined that at 28, I'd be struggling with infertility. It was so easy to get pregnant with Madison. It only took us 3 months of trying to get her. But now it's been 2 years since she went away, and we've got nothing to show for it but a memory box on a shelf. There's only so much you can do for your child when you're the mother of an angel. You can make sure that people don't forget she was here. You can visit her grave and put out flowers, pinwheels, flags, hearts, balloons. You can make her a website in her memory. You can think about her everyday. But you can't hold her. You can't play with her. You'll never see her eyes or her smile. You'll never hear her call you mommy. You can only dream of the day when you'll get to see her again. We were so close yet so far away.

I'm still trying to decide if I will participate in my local March of Dimes race on the 3rd of May. I've designed a shirt in Madison's memory to wear if I go, but my opinion of the race changes from day to day. I wish that there was a Preeclampsia walk somewhere near us because I would do that in a heartbeat. The Preeclampsia Foundation is near and dear to my heart. I want to help them find a cure for this disease. Madison was premature and for no other reason, but to save my life. I got plenty of medical care from the very beginning. I started taking my prenatal vitamins months before I got pregnant. I didn't smoke or drink. She was born to early because of preeclampsia. I know in my heart if I hadn't gotten that disease at all or at least late in my pregnancy, Madison would be here with us now. So it's natural that I'm more involved with the PE Foundation than March of Dimes. Everyone knows the March of Dimes and everyone gives to them. Yes, they do give some to the PE Foundation, but finding a cure to a disease that touches tens of thousands of women and babies a year costs a lot of money.

I've helped the March of Dimes for years especially after my goddaughter was born 6 weeks early back in 2002. I was so thankful for the advances in medicine that helped save her life, and make her the beautiful little girl she is today. But once Madison was born and died I didn't want anything to do with them. They didn't save her. They pissed me off sending me a survey asking about my prenatal care and my lifestyle since my baby had died about 3 weeks after the fact. I didn't respond so they sent 3 more over the course of a couple of months. I hated seeing the fundraising posters around work with the babies that were no bigger or older than Maddie, but now they are happy and healthy because of the MOD. I was jealous. I still am. It depends on the day how I feel about them.

I'm not sure how I feel about a lot of things anymore.

Still nothing

We haven't heard anything from the attorney about the baby. I haven't called the children's home to inquire about it either. I'm not sure why. I guess I'm afraid to find out why we never heard anything. Maybe I'm afraid to find out that it's not going to happen. I've tried my best not to hold on to the idea of adopting this baby too hard. I'm trying to just step back and let God handle things. I'm leaving him in control. I just wonder if calling and checking on things is taking the control of the situation from God.

The Barren Family

I read all the time the blogs of my friends or posts that my friends make on the CO (Conception-Obsession) message board about all of their siblings, nieces, and nephews having lots of babies and getting pregnant just by looking at each other. And I feel so bad for them. I can't imagine being bombarded with that within your own family day after day. I have lots of cousins that have lots of kids, but since they are so much older than me it doesn't bother me. Rob doesn't have any cousins.

My brother and my husband's siblings have no kids of their own. One of them has PCOS most likely, but she's never come out and said for certain. But she doesn't think they will be able to conceive without medical intervention like IVF. I really hope she gets her miracle all on her own. My brother isn't looking to have kids anytime soon since he's a widower with no plans to remarry in the foreseeable future. Rob's brother is married to an older lady that has her own kids almost our age and most likely won't be having any more. My other sister-in-law doesn't need to have a kid in the situation she's in now, but that story is too long to get into now.

So that leaves us. We're the babies of our families. We've been married almost 3 years, and we're basically stable. So to cut to the chase we're the ones that everyone is looking at to produce the next generation. Damn, I just got this horrible Star Trek image in my head. Back to what I was saying. I do feel blessed to not have a gang of nieces and nephews everywhere I look. I think that would just be adding salt to a wound that is no where near being healed.

I got a chance to daydream yesterday after lunch. The restaurant we went to is right next to a baby boutique. So I stood in the window looking at the designer baby outfits and the gorgeous white bassinet covered in flowing fabrics with a big pink bow. I imagined shopping in there with my mom like we used to do when I was a little girl. I just pray that those won't stay locked in my imagination, someday they will become a reality.

No news

Sometimes no news is good news, but right now no news is just annoying. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much or get too attached to the whole adoption of this baby right now. I'm trying to stay neutral. If it happens then wonderful, but if it doesn't then it wasn't meant to be. I do hope this child finds a loving home even if it's not with us. But I can't put all my eggs in one basket. I can't take another loss. We're going to continue our baby making journey the same as planned. If this cycle is a bust then we will move on to more testing and procedures. Either way we will keep moving on until we become parents again.

I've been watching a show called Baby Lab for the past 2 days. The show is set in St. Louis, MO at the clinic of one of the top IVF specialists in the world. Each episode follows several couples over the course of a year while the attempt to become parents through IVF, in vitro-fertilization. It starts with the injections to stimulate the woman's ovaries and make her ovulate through the egg retrieval and egg transfer. It even shows the lab work when they take a single sperm and inject it into an egg. It's amazing to see the beginnings of life through a microscope. I know several ladies who have done IVF, and I know it's a hard process. But to actually see the process brings it to a new level for me. I pray that we don't have to go to that point because it's a very expensive gamble. But I won't say that I wouldn't do it. We're willing to do what it takes to make our dreams come true again.

Joy

One of my favorite sayings is "God is not dead, nor does He sleep." I encountered that phrase several times while I was in my darkest places after Madison passed away. I encountered it again when my friend, Mesa, lost her daughter. It has always brought me comfort. I know that God is always with us and always listening to our prayers no matter where we are. A lot of people's prayers were answered yesterday. Mesa and Will welcomed their daughter, Emily Ella, into the world. She was born at 5:05 CST and weighed 6 pounds 3 ounces. She is simply beautiful. A beautiful, wonderful blessing to so many people, especially her parents. It renews my hope to see them welcome this child into their lives after losing someone so precious to them. We know their angel, Ella, is a proud big sister now just smiling down on her parents. Congratulations Mesa and Will! You all are living proof that God hears prayers and answers them.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord answered my prayer and gave him to me. Now, I give him back to the Lord. He will belong to the Lord all his life"
I Samuel 1:27-28

His Will

I was for sure that we weren't going to adopt any time soon, but in the last 24 hours things have changed. I don't have a ton of details right now, but there is a birth mother that hasn't delivered yet that's looking for a couple like us to adopt the baby. The main problem is that this adoption would be a private adoption through an attorney, and the fees will be a lot more than we were planning on paying. They are estimating $18,000, and we don't have anywhere near that much money. But we have been praying about this, and a lot of people are praying with us now. We want to do God's will, and if this is His will then I know he will make a way for us. Prayers and positive thoughts are greatly appreciated.

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way

Retrenching

After the several meltdowns I've had in the past couple of weeks, I feel like I need to get back to the basics. I need to turn my focus back to God and my marriage. I started meditating and deep prayer last cycle, and it helped focus me and calm me. I will continue to do that. Also I need to add more fun and less business to our relationship. I know I can get to the point where it's gone from a fun time to a chore, and that's the last thing we need in our marriage. We're already overcome a huge hurdle that can easily break up a marriage and especially a new marriage. But it's so easy to get caught up in the tests, medicines, timed intercourse, and lose sight of the other person in this battle too. I'm done looking up fads and tricks to get pregnant fast. All it does it drive me nuts and cost me more money. I came across a wonderfully, powerful prayer through a friend a few days ago that I will pray everyday.

I thank you Father that Jesus has borne all my sickness and diseases
and carried all my pains away so by His stripes I am healed and made whole!
Therefore, in Jesus name ..... I bind Satan's power and hold over our wombs and our bodies.
I command ALL forms of sickness and disease to be removed.
I command infertility and the curse of barrenness to be removed in Jesus name!
I also profess according to the Word of God that ....
I have a blessed, prosperous, healthy and FRUITFUL womb!!
I command health into our bodies and I say "Body in Jesus name you are
to conceive and be pregnant!! Every part of you is to come in line with the Word of
GOD. You will function efficiently, the way you were created to be: fearfully and wonderfully made."
"I also pray for good solid attachment of my baby to the uterine wall,
and then for my baby to grow perfectly, be nourished, and protected for the full nine
months. I plead the blood of Jesus as a hedge of protection around the womb, protecting
my baby from all harm. I declare this in Jesus name as the Word says:
ask whatever you wish in Jesus name and it will be done!
I give you all the glory for my healing and for my baby.
Let it be done to me according to your Word!!
Amen!

No Motivation, No Hope

I feel completely empty today. I'm on my last day of clomid for this cycle so hopefully my cranky mood will improve in a few days. But I feel so low today. I'm not even sure how to put it into words. I don't want to do anything but go home and go to sleep. I'm sad, but I don't even feel like using the energy to cry. It's less than 30 days until Madison's 2 year angelversary. And I'm 10 steps behind where I was this time last year. Last year I was preparing to travel to Nashville to participate in my 1st half marathon. I was going to meet a bunch of people I got to know online though weight watchers and we were going to have an awesome weekend. It had only been a couple of weeks since my miscarriage, but the workout schedule I was on helped keep me focused on something else besides my broken heart. But this year I have nothing, nothing at all. I feel like an empty shell of a person. I'm so bitter about most things. I decided not to schedule my procedure to check my tubes and such this cycle. I just don't feel like putting myself through that this month. I just want to be left alone as much as possible this month. I'll do the medicines like I did last cycle, but that's it.

I've gotten to the point where it makes me angry and jealous to hear about someone getting pregnant easily. Why do they deserve it? What have I done wrong to not deserve it? Rob told me about one of his co-workers leaving early for a doctors appointment last week. He said he knew she was pregnant even before she announced it. He thinks it's from being around me and my getting pregnant obsession. But I was pissed off to hear that. What the fuck did she do to deserve it? I don't care how good of a person you are. I'm not a bad person so why do I watch my dreams fade away every month?

I ordered my next set of supplies this weekend: a bunch of ovulation tests, some pregnancy tests, and some other stuff. The only reason I got the pregnancy tests was because it was a good deal. At this point I've lost my hope. This is probably my last cycle that would yield a child in our home this year. If I got pregnant this cycle I would be due around the 9th of January, but with my track record my doc would be working to get us to a delivery date about 4-5 weeks before my due date. If I could make it to 36 weeks I would be ecstatic.

Rob sent me an article about baby boosting diets. It's full of the usual eat this, don't eat that, take this vitamin, and don't wear those underwear. I just don't know what to believe anymore. Should I drink green tea, take aspirin or fish oil, eat lean red meat, take iron supplements, use egg whites, have sex in certain positions, or just relax and let nature take its course? Everyone has an answer to my problem, but which one is the right one or are they all right. I get tired just thinking about it.

D and D: Welcome to Nerdom

I started playing D and D, Dungeons and Dragons, a couple weeks after Rob and I started dating. I was so against it at first because RPG, role playing games, are for weirdos and geeks. And I am neither. But I decided to give it a try once. Rob helped me roll up or create my first character, a studded leather wearing, tall muscular chic with long hair that went around carrying a 10 foot spiked chain. She was a fighter and Mistress of Chains named Jezzabelle. And once I got into the game and got some real combat, I was hooked. I loved playing someone that I could never be, but would love to be sometimes. I was an ass kicking adventurer that didn't care what anyone thought of her. I looked forward to our Friday night gaming sessions that usually lasted for 8 hours or more. It was a great release after a long, hard week at work. I got to spend my night with friends slaying monsters and bad guys while finding treasures. I got to know Rob's friends a lot more, and I got to know my future mother-in-law too. Yep, Rob's mom plays too!

But like most good things our Friday night sessions came to an end. People starting having other obligations like family, kids, and school so we met less and less. And eventually we disbanded the group. It's been almost 3 years since we played, and Rob has always held out hope that he could get the group back together one day. A couple of weeks ago he ran into info on the 4th edition of Dungeons and Dragons, and saw that there are going to be some great changes made in the rules and how the game is played. This lit enough of a fire under his ass to actually track down our party members. And as luck would have it almost everyone is in a place in their lives where they can and want to play again on a regular basis. We added a couple of new people to the group since 2 of our regulars are gone now.

I was considering resurrecting my old character, Jezzabelle, but I decided to create a new character. One reason was that Jezz was Level 13 or so when we stopped playing so she was hella cool! And I would have to revert her back to level 1. I just didn't want to go back to the beginning when she wouldn't have hardly any special abilities after playing her when she was the ubber bad ass chick. So I created a SoulKnife named Cialis. LOL! She's a fighter that can form weapons using just her mental abilities.

So last night marked the beginning of the new era of D&D for Spazz's campaign. It was slow going for a couple of hours because we have some people that feel the need to talk and talk and talk and talk about absolutely nothing! The main offender is the overly dramatic Paladin. Freaking idiot! He's the type to tell you every little detail that's he's doing. No one needs to know that he blinked or that he might want to sit down one day. But once the real action started it was fun. I can't wait until we play again in 2 weeks. Hopefully I'll get to kill a bunch of monsters and gain a level.

This concludes your daily dose of nerd talk. :)

Nope

I got an email yesterday inviting me to a meeting to help plan one of my co-worker's baby showers. It's for a guy that works under the same VP that I work for, but we're not close. We may exchange pleasantries while passing in the hallway, but that's about it. This will be he and his wife's first child. I'm not even sure why anyone thought it would be a good idea to put me on the planning committee. I guess it's been long enough according to some people for me to be over my "issue". I should resume the roll of the childless yet happy for everyone else young person. I should love to see everyone's baby and just ohhh and ahhh over them. I haven't been to a baby shower since 2000 or 2001. I don't even give off the illusion that I like to plan parties. Do people automatically assume that being a woman means that you like to plan showers? I doubt that I will even be able to attend. All too often the sight of the happy, blissful, unscathed preggo makes me sick to my stomach. It's probably all of the jealously eating away at me from the inside. So to save myself the pain I avoid things like baby showers. Maybe I'll take off work next Friday to make sure I'm not around.

My sunshine

I feel like the walking dead today. I've been sick since last night and it's getting worse. I had no idea that the cycle after clomid would suck donkey balls. I've tossed cookies a couple of times today and had horrible cramps. The only thing that takes the pain away is a hydrocodone, and I can't take that at work. I was hoping to leave early, but nope I've got too many fires to put out here. I'm counting down the minutes until I can drug myself and crash like a ton of bricks. Rob has been trying to cheer me up via google talk all day. One thing he sent me made me cry in a good way. I'm so blessed to have married him. I love you, baby, with all my heart. He sent me the lyrics to an Ozzy song.

"Lay Your World On Me"

I know you think you're all alone
I haven't been there when you've needed me
I didn't deserve the love you gave
But now I'm telling you I'm here if you need a friend

Give me your pain
Give me your anger
Let me be your rock
I can be the pillar of strength that you need
I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

Don't let it twist you up inside
Time never fails to make the heartache stop
You've got to let those feelings go
I'll give you everything I can if you say the word

Give me your pain
Give me your anger
Let me be your rock
I can be the pillar of strength that you need
I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

We all laugh and we all cry
We all hurt the same inside
We all fall down and we lose faith in who we really are
But if we bend instead of break
The choice for us is to make it together
Lay your world on me

I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
Lay your world on me
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

Nothing but negatives today

I had a shitty ass day today at work. I learned exactly what some people think about me, and the work I do. They will use me like a whore and then don't want to pay up. But enough about the job that doesn't appreciate me. I took a beta test yesterday afternoon, and right before I was about to call into my 100th conference call this week my doc's office called with my results. And you guessed it...NEGATIVE! Like we didn't see that one coming, but it still hurts. I still had some hope that the 1st test I took was right, that maybe somehow I was pregnant and that this was going to be our time. But I had a head full of doubts. My babies have always shown up on pregnancy tests especially digital tests. And it seems like my body was waiting to get the news to really let go. About the time that the doctor's office called my stomach starting cramping. By the time I got home I had started so today is Cycle day 1 all on top of everything else. Thanks a lot! So I'm sitting here cramping and I mean really horrible cramps while feeling so low. I'm so depressed and in a very dark place right now. I've wanted to cry all day, just go home and stay in a dark room and cry. But I'm so swamped at work that I can't even take some time away for myself. I had such hopes for this cycle. I thought clomid would make my body work the way it should and I would finally get pregnant again. I thought that I would luck out and avoid any more testing and procedures. I put so much hope into a drug it's absolutely devastating for my cycle to start. I can't even think of what our next step will be, but I know I have to. I have to because if I don't I'll be right here again next month, and I wouldn't have tried everything I could to make my dreams a reality. But for now I just want to rest and try to let go of this day.

More tears and dashed hopes

I tested yesterday morning and got a faint positive. I made Robert come and look at it too because I thought I was seeing things. We were so happy, but after trying for so long I wanted to verify it since it was a faint positive. I thought I would just go pick up a digital test and everything would be fine. With my last 2 pregnancies I've always used a digital at some point because it's so reassuring to see the word Pregnant on a screen. I've taken 3 more tests at various times since then, one being this morning and they have all been negative. I've never, ever gotten a false positive. It just shakes me to think that my body has started a new form of betrayal as if I didn't have enough shitty ass luck. Robert wants me to test once more in the morning to be sure before we throw in the towel completely. And I will call my doctor tomorrow to see about coming in for a beta blood test also. I think that if I was pregnant then it would have shown up on one of those tests by now, but I don't want to stop taking my progesterone until I know for certain that I'm not pregnant. I've been so down and so upset the past 2 days. I've been crying all day today. I'm so tired. I feel like such a failure in something that a woman is born to do. I wonder if Maddie was a fluke. We were blessed with her after only 3 months of trying. She was so beautiful. I miss her so much. I long to make my parents into grandparents again, and to give Rob's grandparents the great-grandchild they long for. Everyday that passes they are getting older and no one lives forever though I wish they could. I dream of having another baby, but sometimes I can see my dreams slipping away. My heart hurts so much.

Another Prediction

I finally gave in and got a prediction from another one of the psychics that a lot of the girls on the message board have been using. It's only a couple of bucks and it's fun to have a little extra hope. Here's what I got today from Jennifer:

Hi Ashley,

Oh man! I hate to read stuff like that. It is so sad and I'm sorry that you have had to endure that pain and loss.

Your reading reveals that your next BFP news comes the month of May 2008. The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birthdate is referenced the month of February 2009 (7th) and a C/S in January 2009 - (25th).

Jennifer

Interesting. I guess we will see who's right since I've gotten 3 different readings. 2 of them are in the same time frame, but showing different genders of babies. The 3rd one is a couple of months later. I hope someone is right because I'm ready to be a mommy again!

Transparent

I've always wondered if I'm as transparent as I think I am sometimes. I've always shown my moods and what's going on inside of me via my appearance. I started dying my hair as soon as I could in high school. It went from dark brown to plum to jet black to reddish brown to blond. I've dressed like all different kinds of groups. In junior high, I was dressed like a "white girl" for about a year. I wore tight Wrangler jeans with boots, and I teased my hair or used a crimping iron on it. I wanted to rebel from everything that I knew. I had spent my whole life so far never feeling like I really fit in with the other kids so I decided to find a totally different group of people to hang out with. Kids always teased me that I acted like a "white girl" so why the hell not be one for real.

I kind of mellowed out from 8th until 12th grade. I accepted who I thought I was. I was Miss happy perky pep squad girl that had money. I dressed in the latest fashions ranging from Nike, Adidas, Gap, Girbaud, Cross Colors. You name it, I probably owned it. I loved clothes and accessories. I loved dressing up.

After graduation, I started dressing like a goth. I dyed my hair jet black and wore nothing but Jincos and leather spiked accessories. Once I graduated from high school I realized that I really didn't have much going for me. My whole existence had been my friends and my life in high school. Now I was alone since my friends were all going different directions, and college is a lot different than high school. I was angry and I was depressed so my appearance showed that as best as I could.

Once I started working a real job while in school I had to change my appearance yet again. I had to look like someone in a business office so I shed the leather and the huge jeans, and adopted polo shirts and khaki pants. I had gained a lot of weight and I was ashamed so I wanted to hide my body as much as I could. It took me a while to come out of that funk and shed some weight. I started to date and happier. I wanted to attract guys and I knew I couldn't looking like a dude. So I ditched the polo shirts for cute blouses and sexy clothes. I started getting my hair cut and wearing make-up again. I started to see myself as a working woman that was a sexy diva on her off days.

I changed myself again when Maddie died. I cut off my hair as short as I could stand it and died it light brown with blond highlights. I needed this change as a part of my mourning. I needed to symbolically do away with a part of me. My heart was broken.

I've reinvented myself so many times, but the soul has remained the same. I'm not even sure why I've always used my appearance as an indicator of my feelings. I don't think I'm done yet either. I know that I still have a lot of growing left to do.

Too Cute!

I've always wanted an orange cat like Garfield since I was a little girl. So orange cats always catch my eye. Rob sent me a link to this video. I'm in love!!!

Praying

I've always prayed as far back as I can remember, I've said my prayers. As I got older I stopped praying every night like I did as a child, and sometimes I would go for I don't know how long without praying. Once I started going to my current church, I started praying again. While I was pregnant with Maddie, I prayed a lot. And since Maddie died I've been praying a lot more. This cycle I started meditating along with prayer. It helps to just shut the world out and try to focus on God and me. The other day one of my online buddies told me about a saint she had run across in conversation with 2 totally different people.

St. Gerard, the patron saint of motherhood.

Saint Gerard Majella, the "Patron Saint of Motherhood," was born in 1726 in a small town in the south of Italy called Muro. Gerard was devoted to his widowed mother and he also devoted his life to God and helping others. His selfless help to others in various circumstances endeared him to all sorts of people. He entered the Congregation of the Most Holy Redeemer in 1749 and became a lay brother. He was a model of obedience and possessed extraordinary wisdom. He spent his life dedicated to helping the needy and the poor, being poor himself and having an understanding of the sorrows of the needy. He often gave away his earnings and his own food to the poor and those that came to him never left empty-handed. Sometimes how the food or money came to be there was known only to God and to Gerard. He was also known to have mystical abilities such as powers of prophecy, healing, bilocations, the reading of consciences, and so forth. He even predicted the day and hour of his own death. During his short life he helped many and performed many miracles. It seems that God had given him, in particular, the special power to help mothers in need. In life and since his death, he has helped so many women who have prayed to him during labor that he earned the nickname the "Saint of Happy Deliveries." Many mothers from all over the world have even named their child Gerard after him in gratitude, and have adopted him as their patron in the joys and fears of childbirth.

Saint Gerard had a short stay here on earth dying in 1755 at the age of twenty-nine from tuberculosis, but he left a legacy of hope and faith to God that keeps spreading by word of mouth from those familiar with his life story and by those just discovering his miracles.

So now I've added a nightly prayer to St. Gerard as I lay in bed before I go to sleep. Some may find it odd since I'm not catholic, but it's not like I'm sacrificing small animals or something I'm praying and there's nothing wrong with that.

I Don't Think I'm Overreacting

This is what I just told a friend:

I was so upset last Friday afternoon. After almost 2 years, Rob finally got someone in the records department to make us a copy of one of Madison's pictures they kept. They took several polariods that day, and since it was an emergency we weren't prepared with our own camera to get some good shots. DH remembered there was a really good clear photo of her that the hospital kept for their records and we got the rest. I'm still not in able to go up to the hospital on my own especially when it has to do with Madison. So DH has been handling it. I decided that I could handle the small task of picking up her picture since I wanted to see it so badly. I went to pick up the picture and the girl was so nice. We talked a minute or two and I left. I opened the envelope in the car and my heart broke. The pictures were not copies of my baby all pink, and warm and full of life. They were taken after she died. I can't get the image out of my head of my baby girl all alone on a table. I never saw her after she died, and I wanted to keep it that way. I don't have many memories of her on the outside, but the ones I do I cherish and wanted to keep the way they were.

She has this puzzled look like what's the big deal? They gave you pictures maybe they didn't know which one you wanted. People make mistakes. WTF? Come on! I don't think I was being a nut because I was upset and saddened to see my baby girl like that. She has a baby so I figured she would understand. But nope! I doubt that I will talk to her anymore about stuff concerning Madison.

Relaxing Day Comes to a End

My BFF, Sarah, her husband and my goddaughter, Danielle visited my church today. It was nice having them there even though we didn't get to sit with them since both Rob and I have jobs to do during the service. I love seeing my goddaughter. She's becoming such a smart, beautiful little lady. I would love if they starting coming to our church, but we will see. Sarah's husband, Todd, would prefer a more traditional service over the contemporary service they visited today. So that would have them going to an earlier service, but it still would be nice to have them there sometimes. We had a nice lunch after church at a Chinese buffet. It's not like I needed to eat Chinese because I always retain tons of fluid after eating Chinese. So now I'm sitting on the couch watch a marathon of Nanny 911 and drinking lots of water to hopefully flush my body out. Tomorrow is the start of another long, busy week at work. It's almost the beginning of the 2nd quarter of the year which means lots and lots of tariff filings to prepare for our promotions from our marketing department. I hate the beginning of the quarter because no matter how much preparation our department puts into finding out all the promotions the company plans to offer, marketing will always come up with something else as soon as we get all of our filings done. I hate double work!!! Assholes!

2WW

Most people that are ttc, trying to conceive, understand what the 2WW is, and know that 7 dpo is just about the halfway point. To everyone else I am currently 7 days past ovulation and I have at least 7 more days to go before I can even think about taking a pregnancy test. This lovely time is referred to as the 2 week wait. This seems like it's the longest 2ww I've had in a long time. I try not to get my hopes up too much, but it's hard not to on your 1st medicated cycle. I just hope that the meds are all my body needed to get us a healthy baby. Every twinge, every headache, every food craving, every wave of nausea makes me wonder if we've been blessed this time. If we do get pregnant this cycle I will be due around December 20, but my doctor and I would be shooting for a Thanksgiving delivery. I would be over the moon if our home had a baby in it for the holidays. That would be so amazing.

Hello and Goodbye

Today one year ago I miscarried my 2nd child. I was sitting at my desk at work and my stomach started to cramp. I was hoping and praying it was just something I ate. I went to the restroom and I was bleeding. I freaked out. I knew in my heart that I'm not a bleeder. I didn't bleed at all with Maddie. I knew what was happening and that there was nothing I could do. Only weeks before we had seen the beginnings of our baby. I was only 3-4 weeks along so all we saw was the sac, but I knew you were there. And before I knew it you were gone. I think you were a girl, but I'm not sure. It's just a feeling that I have. Just know that mommy and daddy love and miss you so much, but I know Maddie is being a wonderful big sister to you. I will see you again one day, my darling.

A Part Of Me

As I sit and remember

When you were still a part of me

I try to forget...

Your life was never meant to be.

You were given a life, a soul, a name

But now things will never be the same.

You were mine to give life to

Though only for a while

Things had changed...

I will never see your smile.

Yet my love for you

Will never disappear

Though your voice, your laugh,

I will never get to hear.

You will always be my baby

Though I've never seen your face.

Not a thing in this world

Can ever take your place.

(c) Felicia Glik All Rights Reserved

My Angel Baby

To the baby that I carried

But never seen your eyes

Or tell you how much I loved you

Or ever to hear your cries.

You will never be forgotten

The excitement we had for your coming.

When I realized I'd never hold you,

The feeling I had was numbing.

My angel baby is who you are.

My angel baby you'll always be.

Your loving memory will live in my heart

So you will always be right here with me.

(c) Lori Jager All Rights Reserved

This could be me

Freakish

I start the 3rd medicine of my first medicated cycle tonight. This one is prometrium, which is a progesterone supplement to help my body up it's progesterone levels after taking the clomid and estrodiol. It should help thicken the uterine lining and support an embryo. I'll take this one until I get a positive or a negative pregnancy test. If it's positive than I will keep taking it until the doctor tells me otherwise. But if this cycle is a bust then I will stop and the evil witch will come on in a few days. I feel like such a freak for having to take drugs in order to possibly get pregnant. It doesn't help that I watched a bunch of baby shows today and it seems like getting pregnant is the easiest thing in the world for everyone else. You hardly if ever see a story about someone that had to take drugs or any other fertility treatments on the television unless it's a special on Discovery Health channel. I don't want to be an oddity. I just want to be normal sometimes. But I can't bear to keep trying on our own and just hoping that things will work out.

We had Chinese take out for supper tonight, and this was my fortune:

The path of life shall lead upwards for you.

I really hope it comes true soon.

I hope everyone is having a nice Easter with their family and friends today. I'm so tired from the past few days that I'm going to crash soon and take a nice long nap this afternoon.

Stupid Doctor

I was supposed to have my HSG done yesterday at 1:00 PM. Rob and I got to the hospital about 30 minutes before my appointment to go through admissions. I didn't freak out too much about being in this hospital. It did bother me when they put a name bracelet on me. I got a quick flashback to all my hospital stays when I was pregnant. But Rob was there which made things better. We got to radiology about 12:50 and waited to be called back. Rob couldn't come with me since the room was going to be too small for him along with the doctor and nurse. The nurse asked me what cycle day I was on, and I said 13. She then tells me that she thinks it's too late in my cycle to do this procedure. She went to talk to the doctor, and he came out and said the same thing. This procedure is usually done between day 7-10 of your cycle to avoid any chance of radiating an embryo. UGGGHHHHH! I took off half of my work day to get this done and so did Robert and now we can't get it done. I don't know why my doctor or his nurse scheduled this procedure so late in my cycle. I saw them on day 3 so they knew I needed to get this done quickly. I hate wasting my paid time off. My doc's office was closed yesterday afternoon and today, but he will get an ass chewing when I see him again!

The one good thing was that Robert went to the records area and talked to someone about possibly getting a color copy of Madison's picture that they took for records. They took about 5 Polaroids of her and managed to take the one really clear one. What the fuck? Why would you take that from the parents? The only pictures they will ever have and you take the good one. I haven't been able to go get it myself. I know my anger and temper and I would be in jail if they gave me any crap about it. But Rob says that this lady seems to really be trying to help us get a copy since they can't give us the one in the file. I might be able to get myself calm enough to ask about a trade where we give them the blurry pic and we get the clearer one. So we will see in a few days when we hear back from them.

Happy 1st Angel Day, Sweet Ella

I remember March 18, 2007 like it was yesterday. I was sitting at my desk and I logged onto one of my message boards. I was hoping for an update on how Mesa and her baby were doing. I was praying at the same time I saw the update post. I opened it and my heart broke once again. I couldn't even control the tears nor the no I yelled at my desk. I could care less what anyone around me thought. I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to run outside and scream. Why did this have to happen to another person? Why did another little baby get their wings far to early? I read the post a 2nd time hoping that I had read it wrong. But no it wasn't wrong. The baby that had been prayed for by so many people all over the country, the baby that so many women on a weight watchers message board had hoped for was gone too soon. Just months before I cried tears of joy when I found out that Mesa was expecting after such a long hard battle to conceive. And now I was sobbing uncontrollably because Mesa had been inducted into a club that no one wants to be a member of. I knew almost immediately what I needed to do. I needed to reach out to her like only another mother of an angel can do. And over this year I've gained a wonderful, beautiful friend. I know today will be a hard day for her. I will pray for her and Will today. And I will remember their angel, Ella Gwen, today and always. You are very loved and very missed.

I did not die young,

I lived the span of my life within your body,

And within your love.

If you would honour me,

Then speak my name and number me amongst your family.

If you would honour me,

Then strive to live in love,

For in that love I live.

Never ever doubt that we will meet again,

And until that day I will grow in Heaven and wait for you.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow,

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight.

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room,

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there, I do not die.

Mary Elizabeth Frye

On Hold! Grrrrr!

I'm on hold with my medical insurance company trying to find out if my HSG will be covered by them. This isn't my first call. I called last week only to find out that I needed to call my doctor and get a medical billing code since the insurance company couldn't figure out which hysterosalpingogram I was having. How the hell are you supposed to know all this shit. It's just a ploy on the insurance companies' side to frustrate you to no end and that way they can deny all of your claims and keep their profits nice and high. I still hate this company for making us fight with them for months to get Madison's medical bills paid. They tried to claim that I didn't add her to my policy within the 31 day time frame. I was ready to drive up to their office and open fire! So since my procedure is this Thursday I need to find out now how much will be covered! So while I wait on hold listening to the lame music, I decided to blog.

I'm glad that I'm done with my round of clomid this cycle. That shit makes me a raging bitch! I probably could have easily beat someone down without a care in the world. I would get mad at the drop of hat and have little to no remorse about it. Now I'm on my round of estradiol for the next couple of days. Here's what I've heard about estradiol:

Your body tends to naturally select or favor one follicleFollicle development
Fsh
Hair follicle
Hair follicle anatomy
Hair follicle sebaceous gland a month and hold the others backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment while it matures. The estradiol supresses this mechanism, allowing multipleMultiple myeloma
Multiple sclerosis
Multiple sclerosis - resources
Multiple system atrophy folliclesFollicle development
Fsh
Hair follicle
Hair follicle anatomy
Hair follicle sebaceous gland to mature, and making your clomid or other drugsChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension a better shot at producing multipleMultiple myeloma
Multiple sclerosis
Multiple sclerosis - resources
Multiple system atrophy eggs.

My doc has me acting like I'm already pregnant. So my beautiful, well stocked bar is going to wast right now. I'm not a lush, but I do love my booze. LOL!

I guess I'm still bitchy.

Here's to hoping that all the mood swings will yield us a Christmas miracle.

New meanings

I always find it interesting when I run across a song or poem that takes on a whole new meaning after a life changing event.

"Dreaming With a Broken Heart"

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

By: John Mayer

It's been so long

It feels like it's been a long time since I was pregnant with Madison even though it was only 2 years ago. I just think back to what I was doing this time two years ago. I probably was at home sick as a dog or at work trying not to get sick. I hadn't gotten far enough along yet to feel her movements yet, and we didn't even know for sure she was a girl yet. The world was so full of hope and promise then. It's hard to watch my friend's little boy grow up and hit milestones since he was born only a couple of months after Maddie. I just look at him and think of where she would be now. She would be very vocal and opinionated by now. She'd be driving the dogs crazy and probably trying to ride Olaf like a horsey. She would light up a room when she came running in. She would be a huge handful, but we'd love every minute of it. Damn, I miss her so much.

My 2nd Reading

I got my 2nd reading last weekend. This one is really in depth and I'm hoping and praying it comes true.

Hi Ashely

Thank you for being patient with me while I got back to your reading.

They are showing me JULY and GIRL so this is either birth month, concieve month or the month you find out in. They also show her with a brother just over 2 years younger than her

When it comes to your daughter, would tell you that i see her as very beautiful. Someone who is confident in herself, is always easy going and always looking for the good in any situation or person. It hink that you will find that shes often inspired by many things in life and is always showing othe rpeople how to change things for the better. Shes someone who thinks before she speaks, would never hurt anyones feelings intentionally, but is also strong minded as well that shes certainly not going to be taken advantage of/

I would say that your duaghter is going to be tall for her age, always in the top 5 of her class in height. Shes got very long legs, her hair usually just past her shoulders and always left down. Shes fairly good about taking good care of her apperance, she likes to look presentable and feels more confident when she has taken care of herself. I think that you will find that there are people who are jealous of her, but your duaghte rnever understands why. She never takes her looks for granted and often does not rub it in anyones face that she knows that she is pretty.

She loves animails, has a very soft spot for dogs and cats and always asking to take all these strays that she insists follow her home each time lol.

I think that you will find that shes got a good eye for design, someone who lovse to organize things and has good confidence in herself and her abilities. always offering to help out around the house, lvoes to clean up, and just loves things look ing fresh. I think that you will find that shes someone who I would consider to be business oriented, and around the age of 18 comes up wtih her own business plan to do birthday parties and events. I believe that this starts as more of a "fairty tale" birthday party idea, and runs her own company. I do bleieve that her father has a hand in helping to get this off the ground. I think that you will find that eventually she takes on wedding parties, and other bigger events, and hires 2 other girls ot help her with this.

When it comes to marriage I see her closer to 26, they will have one girl and one boy of their own.

Let me know if you have any questions

Thanks

Cheri

Busy, busy bee that would be me

I've been going and going and going for the last several days. I was already worn out from the time change so I'm just running on gas fumes right now. Monday I had a visit with my doctor. My blood tests from last week showed that I did ovulate last cycle. Which is good, but it just leaves more questions as to why I'm not getting knocked up. I'll be going in next week to a HSG, hysterosalpingogram, say that 3 times fast. A hysterosalpingogram is an X-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes which allows visualization of the inside of the uterus and tubes. The picture will reveal any abnormalities of the uterus as well as tubal problems such as blockage and dilation. Rob is going to be tested too, just in case. But my doctor doubts that it's a problem on his end since he's gotten me pregnant twice before. I've also started clomid/estradiol/prochieve this cycle. I'm praying this will do the job so we don't have to go on to more invasive procedures. Because Fertility Treatments = Lots of Cash $$$

The clomid is really helping my attitude problem. I've been a mega bitch for the last couple of days. I warned Rob before I started taking the meds, but I'm just trying to stay in a different room to keep the arguments to a minimum.

Back to the drawing board

The witch reared her ugly head early this morning. I was hoping this would be the cycle since today's our 4th anniversary of dating. I found out about my last 2 pregnancies on or around special days. We found out we were blessed with Maddie on Christmas morning. And our other little angel gave us a positive test a couple of days before our dating anniversary. So I was really hoping this was going to be our month.

On a happier note, I should be getting my 2nd baby psychic reading today hopefully. I found out about 2 ladies that do readings online that focus on trying to conceive and babies through some online friends. They've all gotten readings from these ladies, and so far one of the psychics has a 100% accuracy on her predictions, and the other is at about 70% accurate.

My first reading was from Brooke. This was her prediction from the tarot cards:

Hi Ashley.....so sorry for your loss, first of all.

The cards are showing you conceiving your second child between April and June. Now, a boy AND a girl come up around you. They show you with these two children next year. So I strongly feel this will be a full-term healthy baby!

Let me know when you get your BFP!

-Brooke

I'm waiting to hear back from Cherie on her prediction. She says I will hear from her by today so I'm hoping to know something soon. So we will see if both predictions correlate with each other.

Snow Day!

It's snowing here in Louisiana today. It rarely ever snows here and when it does it will usually melt before it hits the ground. Earlier this week it was in the 80's and yesterday it was sunny and pleasant outside. Today it's in the low 30's, and about 11:00 it started snowing. We were out to lunch for my boss's birthday, and most of us had to go outside to see it. Someone even stood out there eating the snow that was falling. The best thing about this is when we got back to work at 1:30 we were told that the office was closing at 2. WoooHooo! An adult snow day!!!

I DON'T CARE!!!!

It's been a couple of days since I've gone on one of my rants so get ready. I'm so fucking tired of people coming up to me asking me if I've talked to J today. "How did her baby's first haircut go yesterday?" Why the hell do I care? Why the fuck do you feel the need to ask me? I don't give a flying fuck how it went. Walk down there to her desk and ask her yourself. I'm sure she has plenty of pictures to show you. Don't ask me! Don't you see the big March of Dimes sign on my desk that has In Loving Memory of Madison Sherina Renee Douglas written on it? Do you see any recent pictures of her or another child on my desk? Do I look like I have a baby at home with me which would automatically make me give a shit about someone else's kid's first haircut? Nope. I don't give a fuckity fuck fuck. So take your blind idiotic ass down the hall and ask someone who cares!

Hummm....that felt good. Wish I could say it out loud.

Infertility?

I was reading an article while I was waiting in the doctor's office today about secondary infertility. I always assumed that I fell into that category since I have gotten pregnant and I gave birth to a child. But now we're having problems getting pregnant and staying pregnant this time around. But per this article's definitions of secondary vs. primary infertility I don't really fall into either category. It said that primary infertility is the inability to get pregnant and carry to term. Secondary is when you've had a child, but you can't get pregnant again and carry to term. The part about "to term" is a tricky one. I didn't carry to term, but I did get pregnant and give birth to a child so am I suffering from primary or secondary infertility. It's not like someone with a brain or that values their life would call Madison a miscarriage. And even though she was so early she fought to stay with us for 10 hours outside of my body. So she was very much born and very much her own person, and my child. So I wonder what category I fit in? Maybe I should make up my own category called something like screwedup fertility. I think that fits me just right.

Blogging Good for Your Health

I ran across an interesting article online that talked about how bloggers seem to feel more connected to a community and less isolated. It also states that bloggers are more satisfied with their friendships both online and face-to-face. After 2 months of the study, test subjects felt that they had better social support and friendship networks than those who didn't blog. I think that future studies should have a much larger test group. But it's interesting none the less.

Blogging for Your Health

Standardized Testing

I'm started my first set of tests on the road to getting knocked up again. I went in today for lab work to check my progesterone levels. After some researching online I learned that a level over 10 ng/ml indicates that ovulation did occur. I'm just going to go with that number since every site I've looked at has a different number. I thought this was going to be a nice short trip to the clinic, but NO! I got there and signed in at 8:50 AM and it was almost 10 AM by the time they called me in the back. I picked this office out of 3 locations that I could go to since it's right down the street from my office, and usually it's pretty empty compared to the other locations. Even though there were only 2 patients in the waiting room when I got there, I still had to wait forever just to have my blood drawn. It's not like I had to see a doctor or nurse. Nope just went straight into the lab when they finally called my name. Damn large clinics suck sometimes.