40 Days on Purpose Update

Well, like normal life and things got in the way. I let stress derail me a time or two or three. You get the point. I did lose 5 pounds which is great, but I know it would have been better if I didn't cave to my emotions so often. We've had a rough few weeks with Jackson and some serious behavior problems. I let food comfort me when I should let God. I get angry and upset about something and instead of always going to my workouts to release my tension I would have a drink or some Wing Stop or something like that.

I'm doing better, and making better choices. I still haven't gotten back on the workout train yet simply because I don't have time right now. Things should slow down and return to our normal schedules next week so my goal is to start back then.

I hope everyone had a happy Easter. We did. The kids had a great time with all the festivities. We had several very good church services during Holy Week that we participated in. Now I'm moving toward preparing for all of the activities that we have in the next few weeks like Jackson's graduation, Bella's ballet recital, Bella's visits to her cardiologist, end of the year events, surgery prep, and the list goes on.

Some Easter week pics :)

40 Days on Purpose

Today is my Day 1 on my Lent Wellness Plan. I've lost over 70 pounds the last year and a half, but I've been kind of coasting for a few months. I got comfortable and let a little indulgence here and there become a regular occurrence. I'm about halfway to my ultimate goal so I need to re-light that fire so to speak. So along with giving up some things for lent I will be giving up some more pounds and inches. I will return to my cleaner eating and daily exercise schedule. I will take some starting pictures tonight, and my goal is to update you all on my progress as the weeks pass. If any of you use My Fitness Pal, I invite you to add me. I'm Maddiesmom513. Also since I will be back cooking most days, I'll share some recipes that I love. I hope you all will join me during my "40 Days on Purpose"!

The Stranger Reappears

Hello to anyone that's still around. I see I failed at my goal for last year and let my blog go dormant. I'm sorry about that. I let what we all do happen. I let life, work, family, sleep, eating, exercise, and whatever else get in the way to checking in here on a regular basis. I hope to do better this year because this has been such a cathartic place for me over the years and I don't want nor do I need to let it go. Just because we have been blessed to give birth to a healthy baby and finally adopt our son doesn't mean that my journey is complete. It's far from complete. New challenges are before me. Sooner or later we will start trying to expand our nest. I'm not sure if that will be through foster/adoption or birth. We're still licensed and get calls fairly often about placements, but we're not ready to go there yet (if ever).

I'm about halfway in my weight loss journey. I would like to lose another 70-80 pounds this year. I got flat out lazy this holiday season and gained instead of at least maintaining, but it's nothing that I won't lose again. Arabella has finished her 1st semester in preschool, and loves it. It's wonderful to see how she has blossomed in just a few months. I'm so glad that we put her into a school instead of leaving her in daycare for another year. She's also taking ballet, tap, tumble once a week

Jackson is doing great in kindergarten. He's been on the Principal's List each 6 weeks. He's learning to read too. We're still trying to find a good medicine/therapy combo for his ADHD. Right now he's on target and focusing the 1st half of the day, but goes downhill after that. We've had a few problems with acting out, but as far as the aggression we saw last school year he's a different child. His teacher says he's one of the sweetest kids she has in class :) He played flag football this fall. I'm not even going to get into how much I disliked that event, and the main problem was the parents. So many people don't realize that it's just a game!

Jack will be having corrective surgery in the summer to lengthen his Achilles tendons since they are too short because of his years of toe walking. I'm not looking forward to him being operated on, but I am looking forward to him being able to walk normally and run without a problem.

My other goals for 2014 include being more involved at church and at the kids' schools, doing more fun activities with the kids as a family, take more time for me like actually reading a book beside a bedtime story, and work on our finances so we can hopefully move to a bigger home in 2015.

So I will do my best to come by at least once a week to update or complain or brag or something like that.

And last but not least some new pictures of my loves ♥ and one from Halloween too lol.

Take care everyone!

Finalization

We finally closed another chapter in our book of life on July 23, 2013. We finalized the adoption of our son who we had been fostering since September 10, 2008. After an almost 5 year battle, we are finally free to share with everyone that Fuzzy is an official, legal member of the Douglas Clan!

I am overjoyed to introduce everyone to Jackson Cole Douglas!

We had a great adoption judge. The kids loved her.

All the grandparents were able to attend. We even had Robert's grandmother there too which was wonderful. 

After we finished the formal stuff we took the kids to an indoor arcade/ fun park to continue the celebrations. Our attorney brought her nephews along, and Jackson made a new friend :)

A few days later we had a big birthday/adoption celebration for Jackson. I haven't uploaded those pics from my camera yet, but I will soon. So more pics coming soon!

1 Week!

This will be my mantra for the rest of the week. It's been such a long time coming that I just want the day to be here NOW!!!! I'm busy working on Fuzzy's birthday and adoption party. All of the pieces are slowly falling into place. I have the cake ordered. He's going to freak out when he see's it :) I have the caterer booked to make most of the food so that I don't drive myself nuts trying to do it all the night before. I'm still searching pinterest and the net for ideas for centerpieces, games, and little extras. I'm trying not to stress but that would be beyond me to not stress lol. Well, back to work for me. I'll update again soon :)

Guess who?

Guess who got lost or bogged down with life again? My husband mentioned that I hadn't posted in a while, and I realized that every time I planned to post something came up. So now I'm just stopping and taking a quick break to post. So what's happened since my last update? We celebrated Madison's 7th Angelversary or Angel Day. We wanted to do a random act of kindness in her memory so we went shopping for supplies that families staying at our local Ronald McDonald house would need. We took them 2 big baskets full of toothpaste, tooth brushes, shampoo, soap, paper plates and plastic utensils, stationary, envelopes, tape, etc. We had a nice visit and learned more about the house while we were there. It felt good to help someone in Madison's memory.

We also now have a date that we will finalize our adoption! On July 23 we will be able to walk away from this whole foster parent thing and just be a family with no strings attached. We were hoping to get things finalized before Fuzzy turned 5, but we will miss that date by 4 days. So this year we will celebrate his birthday on July 23!

Fuzzy finished his 1st year of school, and will be going to kindergarten in August. This summer we are trying hard to get his medical issues dealt with while he's out of school. He was diagnosed with ADHD this spring, and we were trying to get the right mix of medications so he will be able to calm down and focus better this year. Pre-K was a lot more lenient than kindergarten will be, and I want him to have a level playing field if at all possible. We're also dealing with some aggression issues with him that we have to get under control.

Miss Bella is doing great. We're in the process of getting her potty trained so she can attend a Pre-K3 program in September. But she is stubborn!!!!! In my opinion if you can tell me to clean up your poopy pants then you can get your butt on the potty to poop in it! She will pee all day in the potty, but nothing else. I'm trying to not let her know that she is stressing me the hell out!!!!

Let's see the latest with me is that I got off track and just plain lazy the last month, and haven't lost much. But I have my eating mojo back and I'm back on the healthy, clean eating bandwagon. Hopefully I will get my exercise groove back soon too.

Robert is still the same D&D playing, video game, computer nerd he's always been. :)

I hope to update again this month, but I will make sure that I do update once the adoption is done for sure!

Still Waiting

It's been almost 5 months since Fuzzy's bio mother had her rights terminated, and he was freed for us to adopt him. We've had a bunch of mistakes and people dropping the ball to get this adoption done, but I'm trying to stay positive. Hell after almost 5 years why not? I'm praying that we will get a date this month or at the latest next month. I want him to be official before his birthday in July. I want to officially close this chapter, and put so much of it behind us all. I want to share his cute face and smile and his name with everyone! I'm ready to be just his mom not his foster mom. So keep praying and keep your fingers crossed that we can get this done asap!

Day 4

Woohoo I'm still keeping up with posting!

My favorite childhood memory I think is one Christmas when we did all sorts of fun things. I got to pick out my own dessert to make for Christmas dinner. I had never been allowed full control of something so "important". I picked a brownie triple chocolate trifle. It was rich, ooey, gooey, and yummy. I still had a little belief in Santa. Basically I wanted to err on the side of caution just in case he was real lol. We watched the nightly news that had the "Santa Tracker", and made sure to be in bed before Santa was in our town. There wasn't anything under the tree before we went to bed, but woke up to a wonderful assortment of toys. My mom slipped into my room while I was sleeping, and put a bag of fruit and candies at the foot of my bed. There were so many little things that meshed together to form a wonderful Christmas that I will always remember.

Day 3

What makes me happy?

There's a lot that makes me happy. Off the top of my head there are my kids, Robert, McDonald's chicken nuggets, ice cream, massages, pedicures, music, my recliner, and sleep. I'm usually happy after I work out. Days off with just my hubby bring me joy and happiness. Unsolicited hugs and kisses from my babies always make me smile. Bella has gotten into knock knock jokes, and can actually make me laugh. Paid vacations from work make me happy too! I'm happy that we should finalize our adoption next month :)

Challenge Day 2

Today's challenge is My Favorite Quote. I'm not sure I have one quote that comes to mind as my favorite. I have quotes I like at different times depending on my mood. I think the one I will pick today is:

"You don't have to love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear."
- Oscar Wilde

This is one quote that I feel like really fits Robert and I. We don't "match" each other at all. He loves jeans, t-shirts, and old army surplus vests. You wouldn't catch me dead in something like that. He loves big, old Dodge kidnapper vans. I love all sorts of new cars. I call Rob a Scottish Dwarf Hobbit. I'm a 5'9 hot chocolate diva. But despite it all he completes me. He's the one that was put on this earth for me :)

My Weight Loss

I guess it's better late than never. I was asked a while ago to blog about how I've lost my weight so far. I am down 68 pounds so far, and I have about 80 more pounds to go to hit my goal weight. I started getting serious in July 2012. I tried weight watchers because it had worked for me in the past, but for some reason it didn't work for me this time. I think it's because I was more focused on the points and less on the whole nutrition/exercise picture. So in August I started using My Fitness Pal to track my food. I started eating "cleaner" by getting rid of my dependence on easy foods which was normally processed foods. I went back to cooking as much as I could. I also started a Veggie of the Week. I would buy a new veggie each week and we would come up with a healthy way to cook it.

The tracking of my food really made me take notice of what I was eating. I started to choose things based on more than just calories and fat. I started to pay more attention to my food as a whole.

I also started using my elliptical that I purchased several months before on a regular basis in addition to doing some workout DVDs to keep my interest. I get bored easily so lots of options help me stay on the bandwagon. Also in August I started taking ACE (stands for Appetite Control and Energy). It's an all natural weight loss pill that I ran by my doctor to get his ok on. It helped me get over my cravings for sweets and starches. Plus it gives me that extra boost I need to come home from work, take care of home and the kids, and then put in a workout.

I drink a LOT of water. I usually get in about a gallon a day. Once I started drinking more water the weight started coming off consistently. Now I choose water over just about any drink, all the time. 

I started seeing the changes in my body and my clothes got bigger and bigger. I started to look forward to trying new healthy foods, and coming up with ways to make my favorite foods healthy. The biggest success for me was when my mom told me how proud she was of me. I've struggled for so long with my weight, and for my mom to stop and say that was HUGE!!!!!

Here's a picture of me Easter 2012 and one from Easter 2013. Down from a Size 24/26 to a Size 14/16 :)

30 Day Challenge: Day 1

I found a 30 day blogger challenge on Pinterest yesterday, and guess what I'm already behind LOL. But that's ok. I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to blog on a regular basis again. So here goes:

Day 1: Post a self portrait and 5 random facts about yourself.

This was last night after my walk/jog time outside with the kiddos.

Random Facts:

1. I had a dream I was dating Robert and I was finally happy. I hadn't really had a conversation with him in years when I had this dream. But I decided to act on it anyway. So I got dressed up one night and showed up at the convenience store he was working the graveyard shift at. And we've been together ever since :)

2. Arabella is named after my favorite and most dear to me Dungeons and Dragons character. I looked up the meaning of her name while I was pregnant and knew it was meant to be. Arabella means "Answered Prayer".

3. I pick up songs really easily. It's perfectly normal for me to sing along with the animes we watch in Japanese.

4. My middle name before I got married was Frededrian (try to pronouncing that one). And yes my daddy's name is Freddie. I still thank God my mom didn't make that my 1st name.

5. I collect fairies and turtles. Love them!!!

Catching Up

I just noticed that I had a comment on a earlier post this year wanting me to blog about how I am losing weight. I will hopefully get that up in the next couple of days :)

Finally

We went to court this past Friday for a TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) hearing, and we were successful this time. Fuzzy has been freed for adoption after 4 long years in the foster care system, and no progress on his mother's part. The judge also terminated her rights on his younger sibling who is 16 months old. When I finally heard the words come out of the judge's mouth, I cried and cried. It was what I had dreamed of hearing for years now. We are finally moving forward. We can finally give Fuzzy a forever home with us. I'm not exactly sure how much longer we will have to wait for the adoption, but thankfully we have a friend that is willing to be our attorney for this process. This will speed things up for us :)

I am still happier than I can put into words. It is like my heart is finally free. I can't wait until I can post a picture of my little man and shout to everyone his new name!!!!

New Again

Where have I been? Why did I disappear? Not really sure why. I've been busy with life and the kids and all that jazz, but I know I could have taken a few minutes out and spilled my guts. But I guess I didn't really want to. I felt like there wasn't much changing or happening out of the ordinary so I didn't stop to say anything. Sometimes I just didn't feel like talking about what was going on in my head or around me. Now it's a new year, and I'm back. I hope to stay around, but I won't make any promises. Here's the last half of 2012 in as few words as possible:

1. Fuzzy turned 4 and started Pre-K. He loves being in school and being a "big kid".
2. We moved Bella to a new babysitter, and she is doing great. No more fighting to make sure her food allergies are taken into account so no more mystery rashes.
3. We went to court several times, and will have a termination of parental rights hearing Jan. 18. We're praying this will end it all and move us to adoption.
4. The kids had a huge, awesome Christmas. Tons and tons of toys and gifts.

5. I'm doing pretty good on my weight loss goals. I'm down 59 pounds so far.

 So now it's 2013, and I am fired up over everything that I have planned. I made my list of goals for the year on New Year's Eve. I'm posting them here to make them "legit" lol.

Goals for 2013:

1. Get to my goal weight.

2. Continue paying down and off debt.

3. Do at least 1 more half-marathon.

4. Teach myself to use my sewing machine.

5. Construct a major cosplay outfit for an anime convention.

6. Continue attending a Sunday School class.

7. Take the kids out at least once a month for an outing just for them.

8. Have more me activities like mani/pedis and massages.

9. Not have to renew or foster license ever again.

10. Try at least 1 new recipe each week.

11. Have a Date Night/Couple Time at least 2 times a month.

 

Happy New Year everyone and hopefully I will be here more often :)

Neglected

I have been gone far too long. I have said over and over that I will write tonight or tomorrow, and it's been months. I had to make myself just stop what I was doing (watching TV on my lunch) and just write. Let's see what has changed since I last wrote:

Fuzzy turned 4 years old back in July. He had his Avengers themed party with a bunch of friends at Chuck E Cheese.

We went back to court and finally the judge has changed the goal from reunification to adoption. Now we wait for our next hearing to hopefully finally terminate his birth mother's rights. That will be an amazingly happy day for us and a lot of people. It's hard to get too hopeful, but I feel like we are finally seeing some light that may be the end of this tunnel we have been in for far too long.

Fuzzy has started Pre-K, and loves it. He's learning so much, and it's awesome to watch. His teacher refers to him as her little ball of loving energy. Yep, he's hyper as all get out.

Arabella turned 2 on September 1. We had a huge Dora themed luau for her. It was a lot of fun especially when the sno-cone truck showed up. Everyone loved making their own treats.My brother and his family were able to come into town for the party and it was great getting to spend some time with them.

I personally have been working on losing weight and getting healthier. I am down 40 pounds since Easter!!! I'm eating so much better and exercising consistently. I really feel like I have finally turned a corner and I can do anything I set my mind too.

I will try to do better and update more often as things change and as Fuzzy's case progresses. I can't wait to actually call him by his actual name!

My Song

I've blogged about music a couple of times before, but this time is different. I've been perplexed for a couple of months about a song. Everyday no matter what I do I hear the same song at some point during the day. Days when I don't listen to music much, I will get in the car to run a quick errand and this song will come on. This song has a very deep importance to me. It's the song that I heard the night, God took hold of my heart and pulled me away from my destructive path. Many people have no clue of the deep, angry, dark depression I sunk into after Madison died. I did things that to this day make me tear up thinking about. I hated God. He had abandoned me and my daughter when we needed him most. I begged to die. I seriously contemplated taking my own life. I hurt my mother by refusing to listen to anything she said about God and throwing the bible she brought me. I was trying to dull the hurt and anger in any way I could which included a lot of alcohol.

But one late night on my way home from the liquor store, this particular song came on the radio. And it's hard to put into words the exact feeling, but I knew it was God touching my heart. It was so powerful and so real that all I could was cry and ask for forgiveness. I realized that I was one that had left. God had never left me the whole time. I just didn't want to hear his voice.

And now this song is making itself a part of my daily life all of a sudden. A friend told me to pray and ask for God to reveal to his message and to give me the strength to handle whatever storm will come my way. I can't help but wonder if this is all to prepare me for court next week. We will meet the new judge and no one has any clue what could happen with this case. But no matter what I know that I will not fall or have to go through anything alone. God has never left me. He was there when I lost my sister, Sherina. He was there when we lost Madison, and He will be there next week when we walk back into the unknown.

Drug of Choice

I was listening to the radio on the way back to work from lunch today, and caught part of a daily devotion. They were talking about how food is some people's drug of choice just like cocaine or heroin. The words drug of choice rang in my ears over and over. Drug of choice....drug of choice.... I've known for years that food is my drug of choice.

I've fought it for more than half my life. But I always go back to it when I'm depressed, happy, angry, anxious, or bored. And it's always there waiting for me like an addict and their favorite dealer. There is no need for me to hide in the shadows because my drug is an acceptable one in the eyes of society. It's everywhere from my office to church. We all know church is somewhere to find some really good food. Food and fellowship go hand in hand.

I spend so much time planning and trying to always give my kids healthy foods especially Bella. I fear that since she shares my genes that one day she may have to battle her weight. That fear brings tears to my eyes. I don't want her to ever have to be the little girl that's promised a new wardrobe of anything she wants if she will just lose 50 pounds over the summer. I don't want her to give up anything she loves because she's tired of being the fluffy one in the group. I need to beat my addiction so that food never becomes her drug of choice. But how?

This brings me to thinking about what I will give up for Lent. Originally I was considering giving up fast food, but with our busy lives that may be impossible. Fast food is not my problem. It's what I choose when I go there. So instead of giving up fast food, I am giving up fried foods. So starting tomorrow, if it's not grilled, steamed, sauteed, raw, or baked I will not consume it. No McDonald's nuggets (oh how I love them) and no deep fried golden sticks of wondrous french fries.

I'm praying that taking this time to actively focus on removing this from my life and giving this struggle over to God will move me in the right direction overall.

A friend mentioned to me that they add something to their lives instead of giving up something during Lent. I like that idea so I will be adding back my morning prayer time before everyone wakes up and we get wrapped up in the day ahead. Some one on one time with my Father sounds like a good thing.

2011

With about 7 hours left in 2011, I am sitting in my recliner holding one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. My Bella is napping before heading to Nana's house for the night. I'm excited because it's been a few years since Rob and I have gone out for New Year's eve. It's hard to keep a marriage strong if you don't take time to nurture it. I am looking forward to 2012 and the chance to start anew. I've got a lot of big plans on the horizon and with God's help they will come to fruition. We're praying that 2012 will bring a close to Fuzzy's case and allow me to introduce him on here as my son.

So everyone be safe and see you next year!

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Hiding

It's been way too long since I've posted. I really should write more often to just release everything that's going on in my head and in my heart, but I end up burying things away under piles of work. It's easier to hide rather than face things. I spend most of my time away from work doing other things like cleaning, organizing, selling, basically anything that will keep me busy. Busy equals no time to think. I feel like my life is in a constant state of uncertainty. I've let myself go. I don't remember the last time I exercised or even really cared about what I eat. I cringe at the sight of myself in pictures. I need to get things back under control. I need to get myself on a real schedule and stop just flying like a leaf in the wind.

A few years ago I gave up on making resolutions and changed to setting goals for myself for the coming year. I think if I write them out here they will become more real to me. Some of my goals for 2012 are:

1. I will lose 20% of my body weight in 2012.
2. I will take time for me.
3. I will set-up automatic drafts into our vacation and Christmas savings accounts.
4. I will make time for a date at least once a month with my husband.
5. I will walk a mile or do some form of exercise at least 3 times a week.
6. Pay off more debt.
7. Take the kids outside to play more often.
8. Blog more
9. I will read at least 10 grown-up books in 2012.
10. I will participate in a group bible study.

Ok. It's out there, and now I will use my blog to keep track and keep myself motivated. Well, if I don't make it back here this weekend I wish everyone a happy and blessed new year. The best is yet to come!